| Lo Fun Fact #1 |
| "Lolita Files" is my real name. It is not a pen name, as incredible as that may seem. There are plenty of Files family members and people who have known me for years capable of validating this. As for the "Lolita" part, my mother named me after the movie based on Nabokov's book, although she saw or read neither. For as long as she lived, she had no idea there was anything sexual or seedy about being called "Lolita". |
| Lo Fun Fact #2 |
| I love fried chicken and fabulous shoes. If you ever want to get on my good side, send Popeye's or Mr. Chicken (my favorite spot in Cleveland) and a pair of
Christian Louboutins. |
| Lo Fun Fact #3 |
| Never show up unannounced or without a Pepsi (preferably Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream). Better yet, how about not show up at all? |
| Lo Fun Fact #4 |
| I hate the telephone. Don't get mad if I don't call you. I don't call anyone. Don't call me asking why I don't call. Just don't call, okay? |
| Lo Fun Fact #5 |
| I love the internet!!! I love communicating through the internet!!! You can e-mail me and odds are I'll e-mail you right back (if I'm not in the middle of a major project). Makes up for my hangup about the phone, doesn't it? See, I'm not so bad after all!!! |
| Lo Fun Fact #6 |
| I can't stand IMing. Please don't IM me. You will get the cold shoulder. I don't like giving people the cold shoulder, so please don't put me in that position. |
| Lo Fun Fact #7 |
I have four five six wonderful, slap-happy dogs, a bird (some kind of dove/pigeon mix), and a cat, all of whom I love to pieces. If you meet me and ask me about my dogs, bird, and cat, we'll be instant friends. If you meet me and ask me why the f*ck I have four five six dogs, a bird, and a cat, see the above fun fact for how I will respond. |
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| King Dong |
| Wednesday, December 14, 2005 |
 I was just wondering, you know, while I was working on other things, about the new King Kong movie that's dropping today.
The reviews have been universal raves---it's Peter Jackson, after all, and his style of filmmaking has already firmly placed him in a pantheon of cinematic greatness alongside the likes of Spielberg and Lucas. What I appreciate most about Peter Jackson is his way of getting things just right, down to the most intimate detail. You can just tell that he wants to make sure the visual dream is fully realized for the audience, and he never once disappoints. I was a huge Tolkien fan and had been since my childhood. I almost didn't want to see Jackson's adaptations of the books because I didn't want to be let down in any way if he didn't render Middle Earth the way it was laid out in my mind. But he surpassed anything I could have conceived. The hobbits in LOTR looked just the way I imagined hobbits would, and then some. The Ents were letter-perfect. And Gollum...
 Wow. All I could think after seeing the LOTR trilogy was that a sampling of Peter Jackson's gray matter should be extracted and put in the Smithsonian. The man's mind is extraordinary.
So I've been extra-hyped about seeing his interpretation of King Kong, especially after learning that this was the movie that mattered to him, the one he'd dreamed of doing all his life, since he was 9 or 10 years old. Peter Jackson goes all out when he makes a movie, so this must be "all out" to the nth degree!!!
Then suddenly, the thought hit me:
Would the ape be anatomically correct?
I mean, think about it, now that you're thinking about it. That's a giant gorilla up there on the screen---much, much bigger than your average zoo-bound ape. According to Wikipedia (yeah, yeah, I know they've been having some credibility problems of late), the adult gorilla's erect penis is 1.5 inches long, smaller than both an adult chimpanzee and a human penis. (I might beg to differ on that, though, because I swear I've personally seen some 1.5 inch...well...I'll leave that for another post...)
Anyway, tiny pee-pee taken into account, that's a number that has to be increased accordingly. Jackson's Kong is big, about 24 feet tall, the last of its gigantic kind on Skull Island. Per Animal Info.org, the average male gorilla (the one with the wee willie), standing upright, is 4.1 to 5.75 feet and weighs 300 to 600 pounds. So let's do some fuzzy math here, folks. 1.5 inches times, what, about 5 (Kong is nearly five times the size of a regular ape)...okay, that gives us about seven-and-a-half inches of ape weenie the new Kong should be packing. (A somewhat disappointing number considering his size, but it's not like I haven't been disappointed before.) Now place that up on the big screen. That should magnify it at least, what, twenty or thirty times more, right? (My blog, my math.) That makes it about---(let's see, 20 x 7.5 inches)---oh my!!! That's 150 inches!!! Which is about 12.5 feet!!! Which means we should be seeing some MAJOR SWINGAGE as Kong leaps from branch to branch, chases people, and scales the Empire State Building. We should be seeing big-time schlong on this big-time Kong. Imagine it in IMAX!!!
But wait. This movie's rated PG-13, isn't it? Which means Kong's dong will probably be hidden inside a bunch of ape bush to keep from scaring the kiddies, making size queens drool, and setting off the world's most massive case of penis envy. Damn. Oh well. I was just wondering...
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posted by Lo @ 9:33 AM   |
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