| Lo Fun Fact #1 |
| "Lolita Files" is my real name. It is not a pen name, as incredible as that may seem. There are plenty of Files family members and people who have known me for years capable of validating this. As for the "Lolita" part, my mother named me after the movie based on Nabokov's book, although she saw or read neither. For as long as she lived, she had no idea there was anything sexual or seedy about being called "Lolita". |
| Lo Fun Fact #2 |
| I love fried chicken and fabulous shoes. If you ever want to get on my good side, send Popeye's or Mr. Chicken (my favorite spot in Cleveland) and a pair of
Christian Louboutins. |
| Lo Fun Fact #3 |
| Never show up unannounced or without a Pepsi (preferably Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream). Better yet, how about not show up at all? |
| Lo Fun Fact #4 |
| I hate the telephone. Don't get mad if I don't call you. I don't call anyone. Don't call me asking why I don't call. Just don't call, okay? |
| Lo Fun Fact #5 |
| I love the internet!!! I love communicating through the internet!!! You can e-mail me and odds are I'll e-mail you right back (if I'm not in the middle of a major project). Makes up for my hangup about the phone, doesn't it? See, I'm not so bad after all!!! |
| Lo Fun Fact #6 |
| I can't stand IMing. Please don't IM me. You will get the cold shoulder. I don't like giving people the cold shoulder, so please don't put me in that position. |
| Lo Fun Fact #7 |
I have four five six wonderful, slap-happy dogs, a bird (some kind of dove/pigeon mix), and a cat, all of whom I love to pieces. If you meet me and ask me about my dogs, bird, and cat, we'll be instant friends. If you meet me and ask me why the f*ck I have four five six dogs, a bird, and a cat, see the above fun fact for how I will respond. |
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| So Tired of Ted and Toothy |
| Tuesday, December 13, 2005 |
 Why won't Ted Casablanca just come on out and say, "Jake Gyllenhaal is Toothy Tile" and be done with it already. Damn. It's not like we all haven't done the math. Rather, those of us who read Ted's The Awful Truth gossip column at E! Online.com, especially the part he calls One Blind Vice, his dangerously-retarded blind item section where you're supposed to figure out what celebrity he's talking about. And ol' reckless, just-itching-to-spill-the-beans Ted doesn't hold back anything but the name. He gets way graphic and stank in his descriptions.
Anyway, after nearly a year of toying with us, we know who Toothy is, alright?
 We get it. Good grief, let it go. Still, nary a column goes by without Ted referencing poor, persecuted Toothy, even if the blind item has nothing to do with him.
See what I mean? Check out the way he weaves him into today's blind vice:Stealth Stud-Poof has it all. He's got a decent bod; a procreating, talented gal; and a well-respected and sizzling career. Not to mention a great ass and a boyfriend who knows what to do with it. The butt, that is, not the job stuff.
See, Toothy Tile is not (by far) the only homo in Hollywood who likes to push the fruitcake-covered envelope. Uh-uh, no way.
Whereas our loveable, somewhat confused Tooth is constantly trying to figure out just what the hell he wants to do with his life--sexuality being not the least of his concerns--Stealth has known from his relatively flashy get-go what he wanted in life: a glitzy career, a wife and family and--most definitely--a b-f on the side. Enough!! Enough!! At this point, it's no longer shocking news, if it's true. You kind of hope Jake is Toothy. At least that will explain his being so willing to get brokeback in Brokeback.
So there's someone gayer than the sexually-confused Toothy. *Yawn.* Seriously, Ted could be talking about half of Hollywood with this. Closeted gay and bi people in show biz are about as shocking as snow in Alaska. Leave Toothy and his friends alone, Ted. Before they wave their gay wands and take your Technicolor away. Of course, Ted is (per his own admission) just as flaming, so I guess he could just wave his own gay wand and put his color right back. Hmmm. I wonder...do two gay wands neutralize each other? What happens when they both wave at the same time? Do planets collide? Does the universe shift? What exactly happens?
Oh yeah. That's right.
E! Online.com: One Overly Cozy Blind Vice
Previously: The Lo Zone: The Brokeback Effect: Gays Will Become The New Mean Girls and Heteros Will Become Total Nerds |
posted by Lo @ 4:30 PM   |
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