| Lo Fun Fact #1 |
| "Lolita Files" is my real name. It is not a pen name, as incredible as that may seem. There are plenty of Files family members and people who have known me for years capable of validating this. As for the "Lolita" part, my mother named me after the movie based on Nabokov's book, although she saw or read neither. For as long as she lived, she had no idea there was anything sexual or seedy about being called "Lolita". |
| Lo Fun Fact #2 |
| I love fried chicken and fabulous shoes (although obviously I can't eat fried chicken nearly as much as I'd like). If you ever want to get on my good side, send Popeye's or Church's (that's right, I said Church's) and a pair of
Christian Louboutins. |
| Lo Fun Fact #3 |
| Never show up unannounced or without a Pepsi. Better yet, how about not showing up at all? |
| Lo Fun Fact #4 |
| I hate the telephone. Don't get mad if I don't call you or take a long time to return your calls. I don't call anyone. Don't call me asking why I don't call. Just don't call, okay? (Exception: I will happily take all calls related to business or to share fun/exciting/major news. I'm just not one for jawing on the phone just to be jawing.) |
| Lo Fun Fact #5 |
| I love the internet!!! I love communicating through the internet!!! You can e-mail me and odds are I'll e-mail you right back (if I'm not in the middle of a major project). Makes up for my hangup about the phone, doesn't it? See, I'm not so bad after all!!! |
| Lo Fun Fact #6 |
| I can't stand IMing. Please don't IM me. I'm always on my laptop and connected to the internet as I work and when IM's pop into my screen out of nowhere, they break my concentration and often startle the sh*t out of me in the process. So don't do it. You will get the cold shoulder. I don't like giving people the cold shoulder, so please don't put me in that position. |
| Lo Fun Fact #7 |
I have four five six wonderful, slap-happy dogs and a cat, all of whom I love to pieces. I had a bird (a Roller pigeon that I rescued in LA on New Year's Day in 2004) named B-Bird (what? that's a good name!) who passed away in February 2009, which broke my widdle heart in half. He loved me so, as I did him. If you meet me and ask me about my dogs and cat, we'll be instant friends, and if you ask about B-Bird, I'll probably hug you (unless you smell...wash first). If you meet me and ask me why the f*ck I have four five six dogs and a cat, see the above fun fact for how I will respond. |
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| Feliz Anos Nuevo, Bitches!!! |
| Friday, December 30, 2005 |
I'm out, folks. It's a half-day for me. Thanks for welcoming my new blog into the world. I'm so grateful for y'all giving me a place to rant. Hope to see you right back here again on Tuesday, January 3rd. Bring friends. A gang of 'em.
In the meantime, get out. Get your party on. Bring in '06 like you've got fire shooting out of your ass.
 Or not.
Oh yeah...there's this KILLER BOOK coming out in a few days. You should check it out. (That means "buy it" where I come from.)
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posted by Lo @ 3:00 PM   |
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| Mexico Is The New Bungalow 8 |
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 Expect to see stars standing on the backs of burros instead of banquettes, punching holes into the skins of the hapless creatures with their stiletto Manolos as they pop Cristal and pop-lock to the vinyl stylings of DJ AM or the like beneath the Cabo sky.
Per (who else?) Page Six:
THE hottest place to be for New Yorkers in the know right now just might be Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Arriving at Las Ventanas resort this week were Smokey Robinson, Jerry Della Femina, Kelly and Gilles Bensimon, Julie Chen and Les Moonves, Joe Roth, Berry Gordy and the Grubman family, including papa Allen, mom Deborah and daughter Lizzie. Nearby at the One & Only Palmilla was new James Bond Daniel Craig and his steady sweetie, a "hot American brunette," Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky and Joel Silver. Hotelier Jason Pomerantz and his honey, Ali Wise, bunked down at the Hotel Esperanza. And Jay-Z and Beyoncé Knowles were spotted boogeying at a Cabo bar called Squid Row the other night to songs by Destiny's Child. The highlight of the weekend is expected to be Jay-Z's impromptu return to the mike in a south-of-the-border take on one of his biggest hits. Stars will be encouraged to chime in as Hova raps about his 99 Problems. He's still got 'em, but a burrito ain't one. (I juss keeeeeeeeeding...)
Page Six: New Yorkers Cabo-Crazed For New Year |
posted by Lo @ 9:24 AM   |
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| Stars Anxious To Procreate And Spit Out New Generation of Degenerates |
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Brace yourself. It's about to be F*ckfest 2K6. Celebrities are itching for a scratch, desperate to make babies, families, and short-lived love.
Per Page Six, a shitload of couples are doing the do-si-do: * Naomi Watts is desperate to get pregnant. The "King Kong" cutie, 37, and boyfriend Liev Schreiber are said to be hard at work trying to get Watts in a motherly way while on vacation in Australia.
* Believe it or not, Britney Spears wants another baby with shiftless hubby Kevin Federline. Spears is set on a daughter to go with her son, Sean Preston. According to InTouch Weekly, she thinks a second child will bring her and Federline "closer."
* Sheryl Crow is hoping to get impregnated by fiancé Lance Armstrong. The singer has checked out fertility treatment centers, sources tell PAGE SIX, as potential daddy Armstrong had testicular cancer and froze his sperm.
* The bump watch is also on for Angelina Jolie. Us Weekly printed a series of photos of the sexy star wearing loose-fitting clothing and looking as if she'd gained weight. Supposed daddy-to-be Brad Pitt is already in the midst of trying to become the official father to Jolie's adopted children, Maddox and Zahara.
* Another rumor in Hollywood is that Tori Spelling got engaged to her new man, Dean McDermott, so fast because she's with child. Spelling isn't even divorced from her hubby of one year, Charlie Shanian, yet. We don't know for sure because her rep, Cece York, didn't return our calls.
* Jennifer Aniston, Pitt's ex, is also said to yearn for children. The actress, who has claimed in interviews that she wants kids soon, is currently holed up at the Montage Hotel and Spa in Laguna Beach with boyfriend Vince Vaughn, our spies say. Premarital babymaking and ill-advised marriages. Stars...they're f*cked up just like us!
Page Six: Celeb Baby Boom On The Way |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| Why Bloggers Are Going To Hell |
| Thursday, December 29, 2005 |
While reading Defamer.com, run by the triple-forked tongued, no-shame-in-his-game gossip golden boy Mark Lisanti, I came across the following from his more than able-bodied associate editor Seth Abramovitch, who must be holding down the fort during the holidays. Words in bold are my emphasis:For those of you who care not to get crunk with Erik Paladino on the Paramount lot, nor does the thought sound appealing of watching Dick Clark pretend he didn’t have a stroke as Ryan Seacrest, his frosted-haired, dwarf replacement, stands at his side, eager to snatch the Rockin’ Eve baton from his now perma-clenched hands[...] ROFL!! ROFL!! ROFL!! ROFL!! OMG!! I'm drowning in a river of my own sick tears of hilarity!!
I'm going to hell just for laughing at that shit. Madness, it's madness, I tell ya. "Perma-clenched hands." What will you crazy kids think of next?
Defamer.com: A Read Along New Year's With Carson Daly Los Angeles Magazine.com: The Big Mocker |
posted by Lo @ 6:55 PM   |
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| This One's For Willie D... |
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...holding it down up in Oaktown (and San Fran).
A blast from the not-so-distant-but-different-past. It's an oldie, but still a hella-funny goodie.
"I'm hotta than a ni**a that's wearing fo' sweaters."
Classic.
B.A.T. |
posted by Lo @ 5:05 PM   |
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| Pass The Chronic(les) |
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I know I'm probably the last person in cyberspace to talk about this, but that was by design. I've been purposely saving this for a slow news day like today. None of the bloggers have any juice left, it's a drought now for all of us, and everyone else shot their wads with this when it first happened. But not me!!! I'm a wad-saver. I don't bust nuts unless I have to.
So now I'm finally busting my Chronic(les) nut. Yup. I'm the one in the room with the big fat blunt when everyone else is reduced to trying to get a pull off a tiny-ass roach. Puff, puff, what, bitches? I don't think so.
For those of you who didn't catch this wild slice of comedy magic on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago, it was THE FUNNIEST thing I saw on SNL all year. Heck, maybe even in a few years. Cast member Chris Parnell and newbie Andy Samberg busted out with a video called "Lazy Sunday" (it's official name) that, uh, 'chronicled'---Beastie Boys-style---their adventures in idle nothingness as they ate and talked shit while making their way to the movie theater to see the blockbuster religio-fantasy film, The Chronicles of Narnia.
This thing was sheer genius, the kind you hope to capture at least once in a lifetime, and I haven't stopped talking about it or chanting the hook since I saw it the Saturday night it aired. I Tivo'd it, so sometimes, just for shits and giggles, I watch it to get my Chronic(les) hit, or I just pull it up on the 'net. I bugged one of my friends about the video so much, constantly asking her if she'd seen it yet, that she finally pulled it up on her own Tivo (which had automatically recorded the show...don't you love it?), and now she's singing the Chronic(les) too. The piece has launched Samberg and Parnell into the internet stratosphere of runaway fame, with over a million downloads of the video the week after it first aired. SNL has now officially added it to their website.
The best part of the catchy rap song? The hook:
We love that Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia!!! Pass that Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia!!!
If you haven't seen it, go here...
...or here to get your hit.
Just remember to honor the time-worn chronic(les) tradition of spreading the goodness: puff, puff, pass, bitches...puff, puff, pass!!!
Saturday Night Live.com: Chronicles of Narnia Slate.com: The Chronicles of Narnia Rap - It won't save Saturday Night Live, but it could save hip hop. |
posted by Lo @ 11:50 AM   |
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| Totally Predictable |
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 Jamie Foxx's new cd came out swinging, racking up 128 BILLION sales in its first week of release, second only to the 58 TRILLION Mary J. Blige moved of her new cd.
Per Rolling Stone:R&B star Mary J. Blige hit a runaway career high during a strong final week of holiday shopping when her latest studio album, The Breakthrough, sold a massive 727,000 copies, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Blige's third Number One on the pop chart, her new effort moved nearly three times the number of copies in its first week in stores than any of her previous CDs -- including her last chart-topper, 2003's Love & Life. Also making big waves this week as one of only a handful of major year-end releases was Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx's musical debut, the R&B album Unpredictable, which features guest spots from hip-hop superstar Kanye West, Twista, the Game, Ludacris, Common and Snoop Dogg. The Ray star's first time out moved a seriously impressive 598,000 copies to take second place. Alright, so I exaggerated a little, but that's how we do it up in this piece...my piece, I might add. My rules. My distorted facts. Still, no matter how you do the math, Jamie rocked that shit, even though it wasn't a surprise. Not to me, anyway. The title cut, Unpredictable, is sexy as hell. So far my favorite joint, however, is Extravaganza. It's about Jamie and his boys doing what they do best: getting their mind-numbing party on, plowing through much liquor, weed, and stank-ass hoes along the way. It's fun and it's funny, and the flow is just sick.
Cop this joint if you don't have it yet. Legally. At the store. Or through iTunes, or whoever's selling it online.
You won't be disappointed. Jamie's got chops and the cd's jam-packed with delicious, "alright, just f*ck me already" grooves. And it doesn't hurt having Kanye along bringing great production value and added fun.
Rolling Stone: Blige, Foxx Conquer the Chart Amazon.com: Unpredictable |
posted by Lo @ 10:02 AM   |
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| WWOD, Part 2: Oprah's Not A Bird Brainer |
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After a full two days of the widely-reported story of Oprah's private plane being grounded after braining a bird and getting a cracked windshield as a result, word comes that there was no bird, dead or otherwise.
Per Forbes.com:Officials now say that it was wear and tear, and not a collision with a bird, that damaged the windshield of Oprah Winfrey's private jet and forced it to return to the city airport.
"There was no bird involved, but the pilot did tell my captain that he felt it was a fatigue thing with the glass," Battalion Chief John Ahlman, a Santa Barbara City Fire Department spokesman, said Tuesday of the previous afternoon's incident. You got that, people? Neither Oprah nor anything associated with her would ever harm a living creature, let alone do something as heinous as crack a critter's skull. The windshield was "fatigued." It just broke on its own.
Oprah is the goddess of all things good. No dead birds allowed. As a matter of fact, there wasn't even a plane, okay?
And Oprah wasn't there either.
Oprah who?
Forbes.com - Update 2: Officials Backtrack on Oprah Plane Mishap Oprah's Jet Grounded After Striking Bird Previously: The Lo Zone: Oprah Makes Santa Claus Look Like Sh*t |
posted by Lo @ 9:27 AM   |
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| Paris Brings Her Own Crabs To The Beach |
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Yuck.
She's a walking herpetic petri dish. Just as we suspected.
The Superficial.com |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| Countdown To A Box Office Bomb (Or, "What You Won't Do...") |
| Wednesday, December 28, 2005 |
...you do for love. Yup.
Seriously, people...how long do you think it will take for this one to fail?
Marc Anthony and his wife Jennifer Lopez have been shooting the film, El Cantante, based on the rocky, drug-and-booze-infused life of legendary Puerto Rican salsa singer Hector Lavoe, who was known as El Cantante de los Cantantes ("the singer's singer"). Marc Anthony stars as Hector. Jennifer, natch, plays Hector's wife Puchi. She's also a producer on the film.
 Marc Anthony the singer is quite talented, extraordinary even. I've been listening to his music for the past ten years and love to get my salsa on whenever I hear it. My fake salsa. Made-up steps. I can't salsa for real, y'all. I mean, c'mon.
Jennifer on her own produces make-do musical fluff that's good enough, but nothing to write home about. (Although, I must admit, she has had a few standout songs that I've genuinely enjoyed, "Waiting For Tonight" being one of them.)
Marc has been pacing himself with his film career, taking small roles and building decent, if sometimes forgettable, momentum.
Jennifer was on a nice roll with her box office efforts---Selena, Out of Sight, The Wedding Planner, Maid In Manhattan (we'll just pretend that The Cell and Enough didn't happen)---successfully securing herself as an A-list actress who was box office gold, for the most part. Then she did Gigli with then-lover Ben Affleck. And she's been a box office shitstain ever since. Shall We Dance? Meh. For a brief moment, with the success of Monster-in-Law, it seemed the curse had been revoked. Then An Unfinished Life arrived D.O.A. The curse was still in effect. You'd think the girl would get the message. It's not like the universe isn't trying to give her a warning. A fire even broke out on the set of her and Marc's movie earlier this month. Per Hollywood.com:The couple, who have been filming the Hector Lavoe biopic together since the beginning of the week, were briefly evacuated from the set yesterday after an electrical fire broke out underground—beneath Lopez's trailer. Beneath her trailer, y'all. Her trailer. The message couldn't be any louder or clearer: never collaborate with a lover. Ever. Never. Never-ever. Never-ever never-ever never-ever never-ever never. Ever. It's bad news all around.

It might seem great in theory, and there are instances where it can work out. Most of the time it doesn't. Most of the time it fails so miserably, you and your (now) ex-lover never speak again. Do your thing and let him do his. Be supportive of each other's efforts and leave it at that. Just because you're good in bed doesn't mean it will translate to other areas. If I've learned nothing else in life, it's to never collaborate with a lover. It's a sure-fire recipe for disaster, especially when the relationship starts to go south. More often than not, the reason it goes south is because of the failure of the damn collaboration that never should have happened. Finger-pointing can be an ugly thing.
But has Jennifer lear ned? No, no y no. She and Marc tried this let's do something together crap once before at the Grammys earlier this year and it was disastrous, an absolute farce. They were a laughingstock. And now they're doing it again for a longer stretch of time. Feature film length. Ay dios mio.
You know he's making her do it. Marc has been running the show ever since they got married. Jennifer no longer wears those half-open outfits she wore in the Diddy days. Marc's got her dressing like a Spanish matron. And he goes everywhere with her. Look at how he's holding her hand in that picture where they're singing at the Grammys. You just know he's chanting in her ear as she sleeps, "You love Marc...you'll never leave him...he's so sexy...he's the sexiest man alive...his bones are actually muscles...you married the sexiest, most muscular man alive...you hate wearing skimpy clothes...and your ass is way overrated, try to keep it covered."
Marc's no dummy. He's keeping his woman close, on lock and in check. Better she make bad movies with him than do a project with someone else and end up leaving him for the guy she's working with. She's does have a bit of a track record for that.

Go on, Marc Anthony, wit' your bad self. You've been studying at the Tom Cruise School of Hold-A-Bitch-Hostage, haven't you? Ol' girl crapped out when she rolled the dice on you. I'll bet you've got her learning this same trick. It's not just for blowing out candles anymore.

The Internet Movie Database: El Cantante |
posted by Lo @ 2:45 PM   |
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| My Book!!! My Book!!! My Book Is ON FIYAHHHHHH!!! |
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Burn, mickeyfickey, Burn!!!
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posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| Make It Stop. Make It Stop Right Now. |
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posted by Lo @ 10:49 AM   |
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| Can't Buy Me Love(ly) |
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Daddy's money can buy a husband and another new husband before the old husband is even gone; it can buy a great body and lots of toys...but it just can't seem to fix that mug, can it?
 Oh, come on. I'm just saying out loud what you know you were thinking.
US Weekly: Tori Spelling Tells Us: "I'm Engaged!" |
posted by Lo @ 10:12 AM   |
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| De-Pimp My Ride. Or Not. |
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West Coast Customs will no longer be doing the bodywork for the cars featured on the popular MTV show, Pimp My Ride. (Aw, quit your cryin'!! Somebody else will just have to twist your brokedown hooptie.) Besides, West Coast's owner claims he doesn't want to be known for doing outrageous things to raggedy rides anymore. Huh? Now he decides this?
Per the New York Post: "We're looking at taking it to the next level, doing more of a grown-up show," West Coast Customs owner Ryan Friedlinghause told The Post. "If it wasn't for MTV we wouldn't be able to do this, but I'd rather we be known for what we really do — I really don't put coffee machines into cars."
West Coast is currently involved in several high-end auto projects that better represent what the company does, he says, including collaborating on 25 limited edition Ford Mustangs with legendary car builder Caroll Shelby.
Friedlinghause said he is in early talks for a new show featuring West Coast Customs in which his company would be shown tricking out yachts, helicopters, private jets and tour buses.  Oh wait, so you do still trick out stuff, you just don't want to be known for tricking out tor' down shit. So it'll still be like Pimp My Ride, but no longer associated with the Pimp My Ride on MTV. Right? It'll be more like Pimp My Plane, or Pimp My Pontoon. Is that it? This is a class thing, isn't it? Ol' stank ass Friedlinghause has suddenly become a snob. Why not go all out then? Why not a Pimp My Planet? You and your crew can give the earth a good shellacking and mount some Sony Playstations along The Great Wall. You know. Since you're trying to go all next level and whatnot. I'm just sayin'.
On the real though, somebody needs to do a Pimp My Pimp. Get together a gaggle of grade-A street pimps, unleash them in a warehouse full of psychedelic furs, fuzzy hats, fishbowl shoes, and velvet everything else, and let the funktastic fun begin!! It'd be like Pimps Gone Wild...on each other. Can't you see it? Pimps tricking each other out? Now that's what I'm talking about!! Who needs stupid car makeovers when you can get some glam-slam pimp-on-pimp action? Yeah, I'd watch that. Bring it on!!!
'Pimp' Punked Pimp My Ride West Coast Customs |
posted by Lo @ 9:33 AM   |
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| Sean Lennon Wants YOU!!! |
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The question is, would you want him? Yikes!!!
Get a load-a that mug. Maybe it was just a bad picture day. He's obviously his father's son, but somebody needs to hold him down and mow his face real quick. And maybe do something about those eyebrows. And brush his hair. No, cut it. And what's going on with that outfit? Thank goodness we can't see much of it.
Anyway, this furry beast is wookin' pah nub, and he's put out a call for help...to Page Six, no less:"Any girl who is interested must simply be born female and between the ages of 18 and 45," John Lennon's singer/songwriter son, 30, told us. "They must have an IQ above 130 and they must be honest. They must not have any clinical, psychological disorders . . . and a kind heart. Clearly beautiful - but beauty on the inside is more important - but no deformities, third legs, fifth nipples . . . I'm completely alone and I'm completely miserable. So please send your request to [PAGE SIX]." If this isn't a joke, I'm sure it soon will be. There's probably a reason Sean can't get a sane woman. Maybe it's because only the crazy ones can get past Mama Yoko. She put the 'block' in cockblock. Broke up a world class band, arguably the greatest band ever, with her knobsquashing skills. So just imagine her as a potential mother-in-law. You're sitting across the dinner table from her, trying to daintily cut your smoked tofu, and she looks at you and quietly says, "I destroyed the Beatles," then takes a sip of wine. That's code for GITDAFUGOUT...NOW. Which is probably why Sean is alone. Which is probably why Sean will remain alone. Except for crazy girls. He'll always be a magnet for the apeshit chicks.
New York Post: Page Six |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One = One |
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 |
The entire cast of Lost was named Entertainer of the Year by Entertainment Weekly last week. The whole cast. A thousand people. (I exaggerate at times.) It was a lot of folks, all rolled into one. Entertainer of the Year? WTF? Couldn't EW just splurge a little and throw an 's' on the end of 'Entertainer' just for their ego's sake?
Per EW.com:Viewership has risen in season 2 — 17.8 million, up from last season's 15.9 average — and Emmy voters crowned Lost TV's best drama, unprecedented kudos for a serialized show with a geeky pedigree. Even [executive producer] Lindelof is perplexed by the show's success: ''For many reasons, this thing should not work.'' But it does — ingeniously and poignantly — and for that, EW has chosen the cast of Lost as our Entertainer of the Year. So give the cast their 's' already. They earned it. Jeez.
Entertainment Weekly.com: 2005 Entertainers of the Year Yahoo! News: 'Lost' cast named entertainer of the year |
posted by Lo @ 3:09 PM   |
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| The Only Kind of Whoopie I'm Makin' |
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Yup. A pie, people. So sad.
I read about these whoopie pies in an article in The New York Times, and like the true orally-fixated glutton that I am, with no control over even the most basic food impulses, I immediately wanted some. This is the part of the article that got me: Gradually, she expanded the selection of flavors, going from traditional chocolate devil's food with vanilla cream filling to cake flavors like strawberry, pumpkin and oatmeal cookie, and fillings with peanut butter cream and raspberry.
"I didn't invent the whoopie pie, but I like to take something and make it better, then make it great," Ms. Bouchard said. So I commenced to Googling (surprisingly, the Times didn't list the website for the company), and I found Wicked Whoopies and ordered myself a grip of these bad boys right away.
I got some Whoop-de-Doo's too. I'm not even a big fan of chocolate, but I stared at this picture so long, I temporarily became one.
 I expect to be makin' whoopie real soon. With a pie. So sad.
Wicked Whoopies New York Times - One Bakery Owner's Dream: Taking Whoopies to the World |
posted by Lo @ 1:52 PM   |
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| Regis Will Outlast Cockroaches, Nuclear Winters, and You |
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 While we weren't looking, back in September no less, Regis Philbin apparently renewed his contract for another four years of Live with Regis & Kelly. So that means one of two things will happen: we will either watch him drop dead on tv, or he'll be what's on our tv screen when we bite the dust. This man ain't going nowhere soon, except for the one day a week he gets off, which he had negotiated into his contract.
Per Webindia123.com:Philbin did not reveal financial details, but told the New York Post he inked the deal back in September when the other ran out.
In addition, Philbin, 74, said his new contract with Buena Vista gives him an out if he decides he has had enough of his syndicated talk show after two years.
That's basically the contract, he said. The big deal is for me to get a day off a week.
The news quashed any speculation Philbin would leave Live, which he has hosted since 1985. I have a sneaking feeling that he will never leave the show. Even when he bites it, he's probably got it in his contract to be stuffed and propped on his stool and the show will be called "Dead with Regis & Kelly." Can't be much different from what it is now.
Webindia123.com - Regis Philbin inks 'Live' contract |
posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| Things That Make Authors Cry |
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The following was in last night's Publisher's Lunch Deluxe, an online newsletter whose sole purpose is to make authors see how much they suck compared to other authors, and to show how much those other authors are getting in deals so that the authors who suck can, in turn, torment their had-it-up-to-here agents who've been contemplating dropping them for the past six months because they do, in fact, suck:Diane Setterfield's debut THE THIRTEENTH TALE, about a reclusive novelist, to Jane Wood at Orion, in a major deal, reportedly for about $1.4 million, for two books, for publication beginning in September 2006, by Vivien Green at Sheil Land Associates. A US auction is coming soon. Across the country, legions of struggling authors who had rice cakes for dinner simultaneously cried and dreamed. Then they put the twistie back on the Quaker rice cake bag, lest the urge to eat a second rice cake hit them, thereby bankrupting their food supply for the rest of the month.
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posted by Lo @ 12:05 PM   |
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| Austria Takes One For Team Tookie |
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In what has to be one of the most incredible "when we say we mean business, we mean business" stands on principles ever, the people of Graz, Austria---Arnold Schwarzenegger's hometown---have taken his name off the soccer stadium they renamed in his honor in 1997.
This thing is hilarious. Seriously. It's like a bad breakup. The kind that takes place on the street in the midst of a bunch of passing people. The kind where you throw your cellphone at your ex and it bops him upside the head and he responds with some bitch-ass gesture like spitting on you and calling you the c-word. It's The War of the Roses, and neither Graz nor Arnie intends to go out like a punk.
It all started when Gubnah Ahnold refused to give recently-executed death row inmate Stanley "Tookie" Williams a stay of execution. Capital punishment, as it turns out, is illegal in Austria, and Graz's official slogan is "City of Human Rights." Hmmm. Maybe that's why Arnold left. Anyway, Arnold said 'no' to Tookie, and after that, it was on.
Per USATODAY.com:After Williams' Dec. 13 execution triggered a firestorm in Europe and reignited calls for Graz's stadium to be stripped of Schwarzenegger's name, the governor opted for a pre-emptive strike: A week ago, he dashed off a letter to local officials ordering his name to be removed and said he was returning an ornate ring of honor that Graz officials gave him in 1999. Once Arnold jumped bad, the Grazians, Grazielas, Gracias (f*ck, I don't know what to call them) jumped bad in return. And they were slick with it too... Late Sunday night or early Monday, authorities in the southern Austrian city unbolted the 20 letters spelling out the action star-turned-politician's name from Arnold Schwarzenegger Stadium. They timed the work to take advantage of the Christmas lull to avoid attracting attention "and keep the media from taking photos," a local city hall official who declined to be named told Austrian television. Bitch-ass cities and the bitch-ass dignitaries they honor (then dishonor). What I want to know is what are they going to do with all those giant letters they took off the stadium? Expect the world's largest Scrabble game---held in Graz, natch---to be announced some time this spring.
USATODAY.com - Schwarzenegger's name off of Austrian soccer stadium Previously: The Lo Zone: Arnold Said "No" New York Times: Gov. Schwarzenegger Denies Clemency for Crips Co-Founder |
posted by Lo @ 10:28 AM   |
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| Can't Get UnHitched |
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The movie Hitch has been in heavy rotation on cable for the past two weeks on the Starz channel, and I think I've seen it every single time that it's come on. It has become a part of my daily ritual: get up, brush teeth, feed dogs, wash ass, find Hitch. It might not come on that morning, but I at least locate when it will come on that day so that I can make sure I'm in front of the tv to see it. And make no mistake. It has been coming on every. damn. day.
I try not to cheat. How could I cheat, you ask? Well, thanks to the wonders of the ever-expanding cable horizon, I have something called Starz On Demand (tv is the devil, y'all), which means I don't have to wait to see Hitch. I can conjure it up any time I want. I have Charter cable and Starz On Demand is on channel 988. All I have to do is turn to channel 988, select "Top Hits," and scroll through the alphabetized list until I find it, in this case, sandwiched between Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (the unrated version), and Hostage. All I'd have to do is push the blue select button on my remote---push it twice (once to select the movie, and one more time to actually view it)---and then it would be over.
 I would be in Hitch Hell.
Because just knowing I can see the movie with the push of no more than four or five buttons would trap me in a very sick pattern. I'd become that hamster on a wheel, the masturbating monkey, the creature that discovers the feel-good zone and spanks itself ad infinitum because it doesn't possess the inate ability to turn away from the pleasant sensation. For some reason, my shut-off valve doesn't work with this film. I'm an enormous fan of movies and tv...always have been. I have my favorites---When Harry Met Sally, Dr. Strangelove, Something's Gotta Give, Lolita (of course), The Godfathers 1 & 2, North by Northwest, Shadow of a Doubt, Rebecca (pretty much anything by Hitchcock, Kubrick, or Frank Capra)---but I've always been able to say 'enough' and turn away. At some point, I get sick of a movie if I watch it too much, even if it's a favorite. But for some inexplicable reason, I'm missing that 'I'm-sick-of-you-now' gene when it comes to Hitch, and it's scaring me. I'm afraid that if I keep watching it, I'm going to lose touch with reality, as well as my ability to naturally relate. I won't be able to leave my house for fear of being unable to function. These fictitious people---Hitch, Sara, Albert, and Allegra---have become my touchstones. How tragic is that?
 I was in the grocery store the other day and a strange man said hi to me. My first thought? "What would Hitch do?"
I'm a big fan of Will Smith. I've got a tremendous amount of respect for him as an actor and a person, him and Jada both, actually. I don't know them personally. I just watch how people lead, and they lead by example very well and seem to have solid values, as evidenced by their humanitarian involvement and willingness to be role models. Plus Will is a fellow Libran with the same birthday as mine (September 25th), and that's a bonus. For the record, there are some pretty cool September 25thers out there (Barbara Walters, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Heather Locklear, even the great William Faulkner was one of us), so it's a nice club (that doesn't know it's a club) to belong to.
All that said, that still doesn't explain why I'm bugging the f*ck out over this freaking movie. From the moment it opens with an animated record playing the Sam Cooke song "Wonderful World (Don't Know Much)" and the record turns into the Overbrook logo (Will's production company), I'm swooning. It's like the first time, even though it's the hundredth time. Even though, at this point, I can practically say the lines with Alex 'Hitch' Hitchens (Will) as he describes to us, the audience, the mechanics of the feminine psyche.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Perhaps this is the first stage of what I hope won't become a bonafide cry for help and I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up in case I'm unable to do so when the time calls. I'd like to think that Hitch has touched something hopeful in me, re-awakened that magical place that the hard knocks of life can sometimes beat into submission (or a coma). It's not like I hadn't seen the film months before, prior to its current cable run. I didn't see it when it was released in the theater (I was under a writing crunch), but I did buy the DVD the day it came out. I watched it back then and loved it. But I hadn't pulled the DVD out since. This time around, however, Hitch has hit a nerve. What does it all mean? Who knows?
And while Alex Hitchens' lovely phrase Life is not the amount of breaths you take...it's the moments that take your breath away is a great maxim for me to keep in mind as I'm about to enter a new year, the truth of the matter is this:
Somebody just needs to turn my f*cking tv off.
Sony Pictures.com: Hitch |
posted by Lo @ 10:07 AM   |
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| Oprah Makes Santa Claus Look Like Sh*t |
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What a great best friend Oprah Winfrey is!!!
Alright, so that's not news. For the past twenty years, we've witnessed what a loyal best friend she is to Gayle King, and Gayle to her. The two are poster girls for sisterhood and the true camaraderie that can exist between women. But apparently Ms. Winfrey has taken things a step further. She's not just looking out for her friend's well-being, she's also taking care of her heart, having reportedly hand-picked her friend a man:
Per Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher column in yesterday's New York Daily News: A source close to the best buds say that the queen of talk has hooked King up with none other than one of her other pals, gospel star BeBe Winans.
"Gayle and BeBe have known each other forever. But Oprah figured that since both are divorced and looking to date, why not date each other?" the source tells us.
After King spends time with her kids and ex-husband in Connecticut, she and Winans will meet up with Winfrey and her boyfriend, Stedman Graham, at the talk-show host's Santa Barbara estate, where they plan to ring in the New Year together. Now I don't know if any of this is true because it came from a gossip column, and we know how they do. But if it is...great job, O!!! BeBe's a cutie and he's man of God. He's got his own thing and he's quite successful at it, so Gayle doesn't have to worry about him being all threatened. Ms. O., when you look out for a girl, you reallllly look out for a girl!!!
See...why couldn't Oprah have been my best friend? No offense to my current friends...I love y'all dearly...but, well, you haven't exactly been forthcoming with gifts like these. A couple of you have, but those gifts turned out to be utter duds. Superchumps. Insecure guys who were all up in my grill and inside my pocket, and their money was always funny. None of them were who they claimed they were. On top of that, they weren't exactly the most attractive sorts either. What were you thinking setting me up with these guys? What was I thinking for even going out with them? Boredom is a bitch. You do all kinds of dumb shit to fill your idle time.
In the future, if any of you are considering matching me up, just use this as your guideline: WWOD---What would Oprah do? We should probably be saying that anyway in regard to everything in our lives. The woman is as powerful and magnanimous as the Pope, and way more practical. The Pope's not a matchmaker. If it were up to him, our private parts would dry up and rot off. That's not very nice, Your Pope-i-ness. We're only human, after all. WWOD?
New York Daily News - Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher: Oprah pushes BeBe love for pal The BeBe Winans Radio Show |
posted by Lo @ 9:39 AM   |
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| Eva Longoria Goes Temporarily Insane; Forgets That She and Her Boyfriend Aren't White |
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She must have. Otherwise she wouldn't have allegedly blown a gasket when they got pulled over by a (bicycle!) cop in San Antonio early Saturday. She and her man, San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, would have known the drill "people of color" typically adhere to when sidelined by the fuzz: 1) shut the f*ck up; 2) have license and registration at the ready; 3) speak only when spoken to; 4) be prepared to offer one's mate for the officer's sexual amusement should said officer require sexual amusing; 5) shut the f*ck up
I mean, what, didn't Eva and Tony see the movie Crash? Per the New York Daily News, Mademoiselle Longoria and Monsieur Parker went absolutely batshit:The incident happened about 12:45 a.m. Saturday. After seeing a car stopped, a bicycle officer said it was impeding traffic. When the car didn't move, the officer rapped the hood with the palm of his hand, according to a police report.
Parker, who was behind the wheel, questioned why the officer touched the car, and the couple "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," police said. Longoria called the police report "highly inaccurate."
Police say Parker then began to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby. After being told to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said.
The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: "This is all the cops do, just mess with people," and that Longoria shouted from the car: "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."
Longoria denied making the comment. Of course she did. Who'd admit to something like that? She further defended herself:"It's a shame that one officer conducted himself in such an inappropriate and disorderly manner. I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as a Mexican myself," Longoria said through her publicist. Right. Because a Mexican would never hurl a Mexican aspersion at another Mexican. It just wouldn't happen. People of color don't break on their own like that. I myself have never used the N word, nor told an ex as I was breaking up with him to keep his black ass away from me.
Somebody needs to tell Eva that tv is not real. Everyone might live in murderously sexual harmony on Wisteria Lane...
...but once they leave the studio lot, shit gets real. Real racial. It sucks that it be's that way, but sometimes, that's just how it is. Not that the cop got racial on them or anything. Actually, it sounds like Eva was the one who took it there. She needs to get a clue. But then, this isn't the first time she's tripped during the holiday season. She went a little medieval on an unsuspecting parking lot attendant around Thanksgiving, a mere month ago.
Makes you wonder what she's got up her sleeve for New Year's. She just might bust a cap in your ass.
New York Daily News - Parker, Longoria Stopped by Police Defamer.com: Happy Thanksgiving From Your Favorite Desperate Housewife! |
posted by Lo @ 9:15 AM   |
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| Ain't No Ni**a Like The One I Am |
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So much has happened since I last posted. So many people trippin' in so many ways. May as well begin the beguine right here, starting with the simple burning question---what was this girl thinking?
Foxy Brown, who---according to her attorneys---is "pretty much totally deaf," stuck her tongue out at the judge while in court this past Friday on charges of smacking down some nail technicians and walking out on her bill.
So apparently she's not just deaf. She's deaf and dumb.
Per E! Online News:[...]Brown was said to be preparing to undergo a second surgery to fix the problem. The procedure was to be performed prior to Friday's hearing.
But on Friday, another Brown attorney, Joseph Fleming, told Judge Jackson that Brown couldn't hear her.
If Brown's hearing problem remains, her impairment wasn't earning her sympathy from the judge. "I don't like her attitude," Jackson told the rapper's lawyer, according to the wire service.
In addition to chewing gum, Jackson accused Brown of "making faces," the AP said.
All of this led to Brown being handcuffed, which led to Brown reportedly scuffling with a court officer, which led to the threat of jail. The judge ordered Brown to apologize, or else be held in contempt. Perhaps with Christmas looming, Brown caved, announcing to the court, per the AP, "I apologize for my actions." Apparently Lil' Kim hasn't been writing Foxy from jail giving her the skinny on life in the clink, otherwise Foxy wouldn't be doing her best to get a first class pass to the nearest cell. Oh, that's right...Kim and Foxy have been feudin' for years. Well, somebody'd better tell her. Write it on a wall if she can't hear. Judges are quick to give a disrespectful rapper some slammer time. I'm sure Foxy knows at least ten or twenty people who can confirm that. At least.
E! Online News - Foxy "Making Faces," Not Friends Foxy Brown - the Foxy Brown Palace |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| All I Want For Christmas Is My Freedom |
| Friday, December 23, 2005 |
I know this picture's made the rounds on the 'net already, but I just thought I'd post it here as a reflection of what I'm thankful for this holiday season.
 At least I'm not a prisoner of love. Be careful, Katie. First it starts out with a hair-hold. Next thing you know, he's got his foot up your ass.
Defamer.com: Katie Holmes Turns 27 Amongst Other Imprisoned Playthings |
posted by Lo @ 4:28 PM   |
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| M.I.A. For A Reason |
| Thursday, December 22, 2005 |
Sorry people, I had to finish writing a novella, which I've now done. I took the day off for some needed R & R. Be back with more bizarro public behavior tomorrow.
In the meantime, have you heard about this great new book...
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posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| 50 Cent Shoots Canada In The Face |
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Damn. I like that headline. It sounds like something that could happen for real.
Apparently, 50 mocked Canadian officials who didn't want to let him into their country because his music promotes violence. How did he mock them, you ask? By giving a monster concert in Toronto featuring a host of songs about buckshots to the body and the head.
Per TMZ.com (again!):Some politicians tried to keep him out, saying his raps promote gun violence. But 50 Cent did his hits like "Up Gangsta," "Gunz Come Out" and "I'm Supposed to Die Tonight." Don't mess with 50 and his songs about guns. They're inseparable. Like peanut butter and jelly. D*cks and balls. Eyes and lashes. Some things just can't be pulled apart.
TMZ.com: 50 Cent Mocks Canada |
posted by Lo @ 11:20 AM   |
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| Kong's Dong Too Tiny For Naomi |
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...which explains why she may be marrying her beau (who the hell says 'beau' anymore?) Liev Schreiber.
Per Jeannette Walls' gossip column The Scoop:With wedding rumors swirling around Nicole Kidman, the buzz is that her best buddy Naomi Watts is about to get hitched, too.
The “King Kong” actress is “ready to walk down the aisle” with “Manchurian Candidate” star Liev Schreiber, according to Star magazine, “maybe soon.”
“Liev doesn’t want to waste anytime,” a source told the tab. “He is absolutely thrilled Naomi is going to marry him.” Poor Kong. Can't win the box office. Can't win the girl.
The Scoop - MSNBC.com Previously: Kong Has Performance Issues |
posted by Lo @ 10:15 AM   |
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| It's A Baby, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! |
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I guess messing with bananas will get you babies. Thus Gwen Stefani must be a hollaback girl after all, because she's knocked up three months deep, so somebody must have been hollering back at her.
Per TMZ.com:Five-time Grammy-nominated Gwen Stefani appears to be approaching a much-needed break from her musical career. The pop star is reportedly three months pregnant.
According to US Weekly, family members close to both Stefani and hubby Gavin Rossdale confirmed the news.
It would be the first child for Stefani, 36, the No Doubt frontwoman, and the second for the former Bush frontman, 38. So it was her husband doing the hollaback. Just kidding. Of course it was Gavin. Who else would it be?
But if it wasn't, that would bananas...
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!
I just wanted an excuse to say that, okay? I'm sure I'm not the only blogger out there who's going to run Hollaback Girl puns into the ground today.
TMZ.com: News - Gwen Stefani's Secret |
posted by Lo @ 9:20 AM   |
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| Nip/Tuck Has Lost Its Rabbit Ass Mind (*No Spoilers*) |
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I won't give anything away. I'm sure there are plenty of people who Tivo'd the season finale or are planning on catching it when it repeats.
Just suffice it to say that the people behind Nip/Tuck---the creator Ryan Murphy and the writers---those are some bored sick f*cks. They just pull stuff out of their asses. They twist you around all silly, then loop-de-loop you back, then stand you on your head. They are masters of the Jedi Mind Trick, making you think you don't know what you know you know, you know? Then they do some extra sh*t, just for good measure. For no reason at all. They go clean off the rails. Bonkers.
Yeah, Nip/Tuckers. You're some sick f*cks.
Which is exactly why I love this show.
Nip/Tuck |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| Microsoft Is A Bitter, Vindictive Bitch |
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Damn you, Microsoft. So now Mac users don't even get Internet Explorer support anymore?
Per Informationweek.com:Although the Redmond, Wash.-based developer stopped work on the Mac edition of IE more than two years ago, its previously published lifecycle for the browser set Dec. 31, 2005 as the end-of-support date. No security or performance updates will be issued after the end of this month, Microsoft said in a bulletin on its Mactopia site.
A month later, Jan. 31, 2006, the browser will be pulled from the Mactopia site, and will no longer be available for downloading. Yeah, whatever. You guys are just pissed you didn't come up with these:
 That's alright. I don't need your stinking browser. I was using Firefox anyway.
informationweek.com: Microsoft To Mac Users: Ditch Internet Explorer Now |
posted by Lo @ 1:45 PM   |
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| $950 Cocktail Gets You $950 Worth of Cock |
| Monday, December 19, 2005 |
Ladies, the next time a guy offers to buy you a drink, find out what the drink is first. There's a $950 libation out there, and another one for $1500, and yet another for $2200. Ballers trying to flex to impress a girl or celebrate a deal or just show off in general are eager to drop big bucks for outrageously expensive bar drinks. Per an article in this Sunday's New York Times:The Seablue restaurant in the MGM Grand Las Vegas has a martini made with super-premium vodka and Beluga caviar at $275. At Duvet, a restaurant-lounge in the Chelsea area of Manhattan, the price of a Duvet Passion - an off-the-menu drink made with aged cognacs, vintage Champagnes and garnished with a vanilla orchid petal - is meant to astound: $1,500. The club says it has sold five or six Duvet Passions since introducing the drink Valentine's Day.
Not to be outdone Teatro Euro Bar, a nightclub at the MGM Grand Las Vegas, has the High Limit Kir Royale, a $2,200 after-dinner drink. "So far nobody's one-upped us," said Catherine Bingue-Hawkins, the general manager. "And we have no gems in ours either. We just have good liquor," including Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne and 140-year-old Cognac.
Big spenders with stacks of hundreds to burn and business executives on expense accounts apparently don't blink at paying those top-dollar prices for cocktails with top-shelf spirits. Even some people in the cheap-beer and wine-in-box crowd occasionally indulge in them. So be careful, girls. Find out if the guy's just celebrating and wants you to join in the fun, or if he's looking for something more. Because you can best believe that if a man---the average city-dwelling professional type---drops that kind of loot on a drink for you and it's not being charged to his expense account, he's got more than sharing cocktails on his mind. He just bought your services for the night. Just try saying "thanks for the drink" and walking away. It's gonna be ugly. Your best bet is to just give it up. Work that stripper pole he expects you to slide down. Do the booty shake. Bounce, baby, bounce!
I hope you shaved.
New York Times.com: Hey, Bartender, Can You Break $1,000? |
posted by Lo @ 3:34 PM   |
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| You Shit Rocks. |
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 A very, very dear friend sent me an e-mail on Saturday. He'd just received a copy of my brand-spanking-new book, Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame., which will be dropping shortly. He loved the way it looked. Actually, he loved everything about it. In his excitement to convey those sentiments, (I think) he left the letter "r" off the word "you." I believe he meant to type "Your shit rocks." I don't know, I kind of like "You shit rocks" better. That's like the ultimate compliment, don't you think? I'd have to be a bad bitch to shit rocks and live to tell about it.
Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. Previously: The Lo Zone: Sex! Lies! Murder! Fame! Previously: The Lo Zone: Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. (Part 1): The Sample Chapter!!! Previously: The Lo Zone: I said, "IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!!!!" Previously: The Lo Zone: Yeah, You Know What This Is...
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posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| Ticktastic |
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How cool is THIS? Kill Bill star Daryl Hannah is creating an amazing new line of fashion accessories: faux insects that can be fastened onto various parts of the body for dramatic effect. The first piece to be introduced is a tiny bejeweled tick that Daryl herself sported on her back at Hollywood's fabled hotel, the Chateau Mar...huh? What? What's that you say? Oh. You mean it's not a line of fashion accessories? What? That was a real tick she had on her back? Gitdafugout!!
This weekend's Page Six reports:DARYL Hannah may have Lyme disease. The leggy actress, wearing a backless top, was having lunch with pal Christine Peters at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. last week when Peters noticed a tick on Hannah's back. Worse, there was a red ring around the tick, a telltale sign of the disease. When Peters told Hannah she had to see a doctor, Hannah said, "But I have to go to Cambodia tomorrow!" Our source explained, "Daryl is doing a documentary about prostitution and underage sex workers in Cambodia." At Peters' insistence, Hannah backed down. She put the tick's body in her pocket and said she would take it - and herself - to a doctor before leaving for Cambodia. Note to self: Always keep a pair of tweezers and some alcohol swabs in my purse so I can pick ticks off my friends when the moment requires. Fortunately, I don't hang with ticktastic people. Even my four dogs roll tick (and flea) free.
New York Post: Page Six |
posted by Lo @ 10:25 AM   |
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| Beware the Dark Crusaders |
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 Don't know if this is real, but it scares me. Don't want no trouble from nobody. I'm a good little black girl (for the most part). If this is true, these people are really powerful. They freaked out Dave Chappelle. Made him shut down his show. Can't say more. Eyes may be watching. Read it for yourself. I'm already scared they might get me. If this site is down tomorrow, send help. ...and fried chicken.
The Chappelle Theory |
posted by Lo @ 10:00 AM   |
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| Ashlee Simpson Fell The F*ck Out. |
| Friday, December 16, 2005 |
In Tokyo, no less. The poor girl is "exhausted." (Back to that catch-all term in a minute. On second thought, I'll just do a separate post on the topic. Lord knows it warrants one.)
She's obviously imploding. First it was the McDonald's incident last month, then that what-the-fucktastic performance last week at the Billboard Music Awards...
...where she was disastrously, comically, and ridiculously paired with R&B hot boys Pretty Ricky. (Who's the fucktard that came up with that bright idea?).
And now this. Per Us Weekly Magazine:The singer, whose album I Am Me, debuted at Number 1 last month, had just performed hthe album's title track before the audience when she told the crowd she felt unwell, and said to them, 'I love you guys.' She then collapsed in an elevator at MTV Japan and was rushed by ambulance to an undisclosed hospital where she has remained. Poor Ashlee's been wound up and desperate to get her street cred back ever since she was outed for lip-synching on SNL. She's probably running herself into the ground trying to prove she's a genuine performer. She should just get over it already. We're gonna think what we think about her ("she's whack") no matter what she does. Her records are still selling like crazy despite all the drama, so she might as well roll with it already.
I know this is all somehow her daddy's doing. That man and his antics are an episode of Oprah and a tell-all book waiting to happen.
He's already suspect, having gone from preacher to musical sex peddler with no stops in between. Someone needs to give Creepy Joe a talking to. He's destroying these girls, bit by bit, in the name of fame and the almighty dollar. Jessica's been buckwild all year, supposedly having done everyone from Jackass and fellow Dukes of Hazzard co-star Johnny Knoxville, to Viva la Bam's Bam Margera, to Maroone Five's Adam Levine. I think these girls are acting out. We all know that something ain't right about the Simpson family, and ten-to-one it starts and ends with "Daddy." The Simpsons are like a white version of the Jacksons. Minus the little boys and the runaway tit.
Just wait, though. Jessica will eventually f*ck up her nose and start sleeping with little boys. And Ashlee will flash us some unwelcome tit. Soon enough, people. Soon enough.
Because that's what happens when you have a creepy, controlling, maniacal manager daddy named Joe.
These mean Joe-daddy-managers always look so normal and friendly in public. What the hell is that all about?
usmagazine.com |
posted by Lo @ 5:30 PM   |
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| ...and Starring Paris Hilton as The Beetlejuice |
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Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton, Paris... See? We should have stopped right there. It was that third time that did it. Someone spoke her name one too many times into the ether and up she rose, from the sulphuric depths of Planet Skank, and a plague was unleashed upon us. We haven't been able to shake her off since.
And now she's here, running amok, trashing everything in sight, sucking us into her whoring vortex of evil. Just like Beetlejuice. Remember him?
Remember how he seemed so harmless at first (albeit weird and goofy), offering to help the newly-dead couple rid the living from their house? "Just call my name three times," he said. The dead couple was wary of him, skeeved out by his general demeanor and appearance. But then they became desperate and called on him as a last resort. And up he came, seemingly eager to help, but then, in an instant, he turned on them and became dangerous and crazed, a demonic presence determined to beguile at first, and then destroy...just for kicks. Just because he could. The dead couple, by conjuring him, had inadvertently given him the power. And once he had it, it was virtually impossible to get it back.
Sound familiar?  We did this. This is all our fault. We're the ones who summoned her here. Sure, we didn't know what we were doing. We thought we were just curiously gazing upon another minor socialite's train wreck. But this is no minor socialite. This is the devil's spawn, and that train wreck of a sex tape was just a trick to get us to conjure her up, and we fell for it. And now we're stuck. We flung the door wide open for the beast. She's been chewing up the scenery ever since she got here, and soon there won't be anything left.
Her most recent trashfest came just two nights ago (you can count on her for at least one a week). As she was leaving super-hot club-of-the-moment, LAX, Paris ragged the place to the paparazzi as they clamored around her, hungry for photos and attention.
From TMZ.com:Last night, when TMZ caught Paris and her sister Nicky running from the club to another one nearby (Mood), Paris flat-out dissed Club LAX to the sea of paparazzi, saying that "LAX is the worst club in the world."
Then she said, "It's full of D-list celebrities." (If that's not enough for you, here's the actual video that goes with it.) And so, just like that, Paris probably set in motion the imminent folding of Club LAX, which, not-so-coincidentally, happens to be co-owned by DJ AM, Nicole Richie's ex who recently broke her barely-beating heart by calling off their engagement and summarily dumping her. The buzz on the street is that Paris did this for her estranged BFF. She knew that if she dissed the joint, LAX would be toast, and DJ AM would suffer for what he did to Nicole.
Seriously, folks...we've gotta do something about this girl. Before she destroys us all. Before she f*cks up everything. Before there's nothing left but scorched earth, rampant chlamydia, and thousands of herpetic walking wounded with the psychic scars of half-a$$ed sex.
It's going to take a collective effort on our part, a mind-meld of gargantuan propor...Heyyyyyyy. Wait a second. We already have the answer!! It was right here in front of us all the time!! The Beetlejuice in the movie was ultimately destroyed. There was something that was able to take him out. All we have to do is use the movie as our guide, replicate what they did, and we can be rid of her!!! Yes!!! Perfect!!! We can make her go away!!!
Anybody know where we can get one of these?
AOL.com: Video - Paris Disses Club LAX TMZ.com: Paris Disses Club LAX |
posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| Kong's Dong Not The Only Thing Tiny |
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Peter Jackson's long-awaited, $200-million dollar, impossibly-ballyhooed, guaranteed Savior Of The Hollywood Box Office Slump, King Kong, apparently came in like a lamb on Wednesday. A blind lamb. A blind lamb that was bound, gagged, and about to be sheared.
Per Yahoo News:LOS ANGELES - "King Kong," Peter Jackson's remake about the giant ape in love, took in $9.8 million domestically in its first day, solid for a Wednesday debut but far below the king-size premieres of other action epics.
Distributor Universal called it a good beginning that will generate audience word-of-mouth on top of stellar reviews for "King Kong."
"My little monkey's doing great," said Nikki Rocco, Universal's head of distribution. "We're convinced with all the information we have that this is the big guy, and he's going to be around for a long time."
The first of Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" films, "The Fellowship of the Ring," opened on a Wednesday in December 2001 with $18.2 million, nearly double the take of "King Kong." I'm sure this was just a blip. This is Peter Jackson, after all, and everything he touches turns into forty-five different DVD versions of the same film. The movie will do ridiculous numbers this weekend---I predict $500 billion---so there's nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.
(Yeah, I said $500 billion. This weekend. The movie will do $500 BILLION at the box office this weekend. That's Billion with a "B." My blog. My insanely-projected stats.)
Just go out and see the big ape, for criminy. Boost his ego. The poor thing is probably just little screen-shy. You'd come in slowly too if you were up there on an enormous screen standing twenty-four feet tall with just a seven-and-a-half inch pecker. It's not like he's Superman or something.
Yahoo News - 'King Kong' Takes in $9.8M in First Day Previously: The Lo Zone: Superman Is Super-Packing Previously: The Lo Zone: King Dong |
posted by Lo @ 10:05 AM   |
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| Finally. |
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And even with a perfect record and the universal adoration of his fellow contestants, it was still touch-and-go. They couldn't just give it to him flat-out. Immediately after hiring the much-loved Randal, who jumped up and cheered and rushed over to hug his peers, Trump called him back and posed the unthinkable: hiring both Randal AND Rebecca. Wha????? Never had this option come up before. It would have been a first in the four-season history of The Apprentice. Why now? So it wouldn't have been all about a black person finally winning? To reassure the viewing audience that just because a black person won, that didn't mean a white person had to lose? Trump asked Randal if he should also hire Rebecca. Randal responded with a resounding NO, reminding Trump that it was The Apprentice, not The Apprentii. There was some booing from the audience at his response, like Randal was supposed to be the bigger person and share his hard-earned victory. As if. Trump deferred to Randal's decision, but not without clearly stating that if Randal had said yes, he would have hired Rebecca too, thus placing Rebecca's loss squarely on Randal's shoulders. I guess that was his clever way of saying, "Hey people, I tried. Blame it on the selfish black guy."
Damn. I'm not one to see racism, subtle or blatant, in everything, but this was ridiculous. I mean, what's a brother gotta do to win without resistance? And they wonder why we riot.Congratulations, Randal!!! You rocked that sh*t!!!
And, oh yeah...
FUCK YOU, DONALD TRUMP.
The Apprentice 4 Previously: America's Next Top Rehab Patient |
posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| Scores: The Rock Opera |
| Thursday, December 15, 2005 |
A few hours ago, I was sitting here doing work and had the tv on in the background, as usual. I was deep into writing, but something about whoever it was that was singing on tv made me look up. Live with Regis and Kelly was on, and it was the last segment of the show. On tv was the oddest-looking band---part symphony orchestra, part rock band, part girl group. A sort of uber-ABBA-meets-Queen-meets-The Boston Pops. I cocked my head and was like, WTF? What the hell is this?
Three blonde, buxomy Jessica Simpsons in vixenish black, tight-fitting halter dresses and boots were up front. The lead Jessica was singing this very robust version of some hallowed Christmas song, something that seemed very spiritual and God-revering. The girl had a truly amazing and powerful voice, but there was something about those skankalicious outfits that completely threw me off. They were so vampy, so I-used-to-work-at-Scores-and-still-pop-in-on-occasion, that I couldn't help but think, Oh, the devil is so clever!! He's got strippers singing holy holiday songs, and when the guy (or girl, if that's your thing) watching suddenly finds himself turned on, it's really going to mess with his head!! Because the gospel and stripper-inspired boners, they don't exactly go together. (Wait. I forgot about Kirk Franklin. Maybe they do.)
When they finished, Regis and Kelly came over and were just gushing about this band---Trans-Siberian Orchestra (double-WTF?????). Reege, obviously a fan, fawned over a guy who appeared to be the leader like he was Jesus...or Bono. Meanwhile I was like, who the f*ck are these people, and what's up with those pole-swinging singers upfront?
I was so baffled by it all that I immediately commenced to Googling and hunted them down. As soon as I got to their site, I clicked the "About The Band" link just to get a further look at this whole freaky Trans-Siberian thing. A page chockful o' folks pops up, a cast of thousands, a real Cecil B. DeMille production. (Not quite, but there's a helluva lot of 'em). Apparently singers rotate throughout the varying performances and TSO (Trans-whatever-the-f*ck) is famous for putting on a real spectacular show with pyro and lights. Who knew? Still, imagine my surprise at discovering that there were more than just the three blondettes I saw on Reege and Kell. There's a whole menagerie of musical kittens in the Trans-Siberian family, and my suspicions only grew when I noticed they each seemed a tad bit "Scores-ish." I took the liberty of assembling their individual photos together for you in one photoshopped snapshot, just so you could get the full effect of what I'm trying to explain. Ladies and gents, meet the gallery of Trans-Siberian Orchestra babes:
[click photo to enlarge] Hmmm. Something about this seems sooooo familiar...
[click photo to enlarge] Right!!! Just as I suspected!!! Trans-Siberian Orchestra is a friggin' travelling strip show, with strippers who can sing gospel, play instruments, and do the booty shake, all at the same time!!! Rock opera, my a$. This, my friends, is Scores in concert.
Trans-Siberian Orchestra.com www.scoresnewyork.com Previously: The Lo Zone: Somebody Please...Make Me Understand: (Part 1) |
posted by Lo @ 5:25 PM   |
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| You're Not Ordinary People |
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This is week-old news, but I keep forgetting to say it. I'm doing it now while it's on my mind.
Last week, R&B artist John Legend received eight Grammy nominations. That's pretty impressive for a debut album. Yup. Sure is. Even he knows it. He certainly looks mighty smug.
So cut the 'ordinary people' bullsh*t, John. I don't have eight Grammy nominations, and neither do any of my friends (that I know of). You're not ordinary, alright? So stop saying it already. I know what ordinary looks like, and trust me, you're not it.
www.John Legend.com |
posted by Lo @ 3:00 PM   |
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| My Technicolor Theory, Confirmed At Last |
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Good lord!! Anyone who can even commit them all to memory---let alone recognize their meanings when used in public---is worthy of a MacArthur Genius Award.
I told you The Gays were better than heteros at a ton of things. I also told you they're the ones who brought color to our world. Boy, was that an understatement. Too bad there aren't any straight guys walking around with mustard on the left (you'll see what I mean in a minute).
Click the link and prepare to be amazed (unless you're gay, in which case you're probably laughing at us stupid, drab, easily excitable heteros). Careful...viewing this might not be suitable for work.
Heteros, we need a color code. And I'm not just talking about white, black, red, and yellow. Those are races, okay? We can do a little better than that.
Gay Hanky Codes Previously: The Lo Zone: So Tired of Ted and Toothy Previously: The Lo Zone: The Brokeback Effect: Gays Will Become The New Mean Girls and Heteros Will Become Total Nerds |
posted by Lo @ 12:05 PM   |
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| Celebrity Books: Not Just For The Remainders Table Anymore |
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You can just save that $4.98 you were going to spend on that deeply-discounted copy of Valerie Bertinelli's memoirs. Go on, buy yourself a mochachoca-latte something-or-other from Starbucks instead. Because now you can have your painfully short-shelf-lived celebrity books and your high-priced coffee too, thanks to the Bravo channel.
In a programming maneuver that teeters somewhere between stupid and stupendous, the basic cabler will air a show tonight called Celebrity Autobiography, produced by Eugene Pack. The premise? Stars doing readings from the autobiographies of other stars.
I'm already loving this, just for the fuctitude factor, if nothing else. It's a potential self-sucking celebrity moment of meta proportions. Celebrities reading about celebrities...out loud? Revisiting events in the faded lives of stars most people have long since stopped caring about or can't even remember without an assist from IMDB? Huh? Some of the books being read from are fairly recent, but the bulk of them sound like they're straight from the has-been bin.
Per the story in The New York Daily News:The show, tonight at 10 on Bravo, has actors including Cheryl Hines, Jay Mohr, Kevin Nealon and Doris Roberts reading from the autobiographies from the likes of Joan Lunden, 'N Sync, Madonna, Kathie Lee Gifford, Sylvester Stallone and David Cassidy.
Talk about being hoisted on your own petard.
"You couldn't make this stuff up," said Pack.
And yet it is rather unbelievable to know that Stallone wrote meticulously about the contents of his refrigerator, or that Lunden thought readers would like to know her technique for laying out her clothes the night before or that Gifford deemed a poem to her unborn son Cody worthy of mass distribution. ("His little boy thoughts are a mystery to me, Long before I know him, my little Co-dy.") C'mon now. This one's strictly niche, people. For Hollywood castoffs and downsliders and the starf*cking folks who care about them. And people like me, who love a good train wreck when we see one. Plus there's that whole book factor thingy, and I am an author, after all.
That said, I'll tune in, just for sh*ts and limited giggles. Who cares if this isn't for The Simple Life crowd? Besides, who needs Paris Hilton when you can hear Jay Mohr reading about Red Buttons in a geriatric three-way?
New York Daily News - Daily Dish & Gossip - Making book on celeb bios bravotv.com: Celebrity Autobiography |
posted by Lo @ 9:45 AM   |
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| Superman Is Super-Packing |
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It's the talk of the 'net, so I'd be remiss, flagrantly negligent, and an all-around poor sport if I didn't mention it here, just in case some of you missed it on the billions of other sites that can't stop chattering about it:
The new Superman is hung like a blue whale.
I'm nothing if not specific. I didn't just want to say he was big like everyone else was doing. I wanted dramatic effect. So I did a little research. Blue whales have the most gi-normous peckers in the animal kingdom. Eleven feet...OUCH!!!
And while this might seem related to yesterday's post about King Kong's IMAX-sized unit, it's actually not. The only thing the two posts have in common are the fact that they both involve movies and big willies. Hmmm. I guess they are related. It appears Superman might actually have the schlong that should have been on King Kong.
Though you can't tell from the above picture, Brandon Routh, the actor playing the Man of Steel in the upcoming Superman Returns, is obviously so cocktastic, he had the studio execs running hysterically through the halls like a bunch of screaming girls over what to do about it. True to form, they did what any progressive major studio headed by execs who run hysterically through the halls (like a bunch of screaming girls) would do---they ordered his whopping wanker to be digitally wiped out.
Per Ananova.com:The new Superman is giving movie bosses a headache - because of the size of his bulge.
They fear Brandon Routh's profile in the superhero's skintight costume could be distracting, reports the Sun.
Hollywood executives have ordered the makers of Superman Returns to cover it up with digital effects.
The Sun's source said: "It's a major issue for the studio. Brandon is extremely well endowed and they don't want it up on the big screen.
"We may be forced to erase his package with digital effects." Everybody's in on this party. Everybody's got d*ck jokes. Check out Page Six's spin: "Superman Returns" star Brandon Routh is supposedly giving the suits at Warner Brothers fits because of his prodigious package of masculinity. The 26-year-old beefcake's extra-large endowment is said to be so distracting through his skin-tight costume that producers may have to shrink him during post-production. Poor Brandon, saddled with the burden of too much lunchmeat. What an albatross to bear. Still, there apparently was a very real fear that his Supersnake would actually reach beyond the screen and poke out the eyes of entire audiences, resulting in the industry's first audience class action suit. For eye-pokage. From Super-joints. Thus the digital wipeout. Whew!! Aren't you glad the suits are looking out for you?
Best wishes and simultaneous condolences to Brandon's girlfriend, whoever she is. Meanwhile, a very long line continues to form outside Brandon's crib as willing human receptacles offer themselves up in patriotic sexual sacrifice. Because Superman and cockage...the two just go together naturally. Like models and moguls. Like baseball and apple pie.
Fly on, Man of Steel. Just watch where you point that thing.
Ananova.com Page Six Superman Returns Previously: The Lo Zone: King Dong |
posted by Lo @ 9:20 AM   |
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| I'm...Coming Clean. |
| Wednesday, December 14, 2005 |
Alright, here it is. I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I miss Laguna Beach.
I still haven't figured out how a grown-a$$ black woman like me got strung out on these over-indulged, out-of-touch, hoe-hopping beach teens. It's an equation that just doesn't add up. We have nothing in common, but I'm drawn to their drama like...like...like...like stupid Jessica is to pathologically lying and unfaithful Jason's horny flame.
But their season is over and has been for a month now, yet still I jones for them, and sometimes forget they're not going to be there in a new episode at 10pm on Monday nights. And I feel a little sad. You see, all the whining, the cheating, the backstabbing, the balls-out consumerism of those kids---it made me feel alive!!! And just when I was beginning to feel good about myself after realizing how f-d up they were in comparison...POOF!! It was over. At least until the start of season 3, when the next batch of scary-rich Laguna kids show up. But I don't know if I'll like them as much. I've been with most of these people for two whole seasons. I miss Lauren, Stephen, Talan, and Jason. And dumba$$ Jessica. I even miss that skank rat Kristin.
See me in this picture below? Just to the right of Jessica (who's in the black tank top)? I'm the one who's very, very badly photoshopped in (and I'm the only black). I'm so badly photoshopped, I actually have an Adam's apple. My desperation to be with them knows no bounds. *Sigh* Yeah, I love my cool white beach friends...
...my cool white beach friends who would probably ask me to clean their houses if they ever met me for real. Because there are no black people in their Laguna Beach. Not even a half-black. Or a quadroon. Or an octoroon. Or a macaroon (...macaroons are cookies, people!! sheesh...know your racial breakdowns!!!).
Oh well. At least we're friends in TV Land. Because in TV Land, anything is possible. Even trying to fit a square (me) into a circle (Laguna).
Let the rain fall down...!!!
Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County |
posted by Lo @ 3:30 PM   |
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| Don't Mess With The Missionary Bitch |
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Annie Lennox is mean. And I'm a longtime fan of hers, but she's mean. And she's obviously crazy too, because when a fan came up to her and asked for an autograph, she abruptly snubbed him and told him to "get a life." Turned out the fan was this guy...
WTF??? How the hell do you snub Orlando Bloom? As gossip blog The Superficial reports, if you have any sense, you don't:When Orlando asked for her autograph, she allegedly told him: "I just want a quiet night. Please leave me alone and get a life." A source told the Daily Star that "It was like watching a car crash unfold. Nobody could understand why she was being so rude to Orlando of all people. It was difficult to believe she didn't know who he was. But it turns out she genuinely thought he was an unusually good-looking fan." Annie was said to be horrified when she realised her mistake, and rushed over to apologize. She quickly gave Orlando an autograph and he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. A kiss on the cheek? Annie should have gotten The Fist and a swift kick in her Eurythmic a$$. But that's just me. Shows what a gentleman Bloomie is. But Annie is still a straight-up beeeeeyotch.
The Superficial |
posted by Lo @ 11:45 AM   |
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| Finally...An Explanation For The Last Guy I Dated |
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posted by Lo @ 10:30 AM   |
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| King Dong |
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I was just wondering, you know, while I was working on other things, about the new King Kong movie that's dropping today.
The reviews have been universal raves---it's Peter Jackson, after all, and his style of filmmaking has already firmly placed him in a pantheon of cinematic greatness alongside the likes of Spielberg and Lucas. What I appreciate most about Peter Jackson is his way of getting things just right, down to the most intimate detail. You can just tell that he wants to make sure the visual dream is fully realized for the audience, and he never once disappoints. I was a huge Tolkien fan and had been since my childhood. I almost didn't want to see Jackson's adaptations of the books because I didn't want to be let down in any way if he didn't render Middle Earth the way it was laid out in my mind. But he surpassed anything I could have conceived. The hobbits in LOTR looked just the way I imagined hobbits would, and then some. The Ents were letter-perfect. And Gollum...
Wow. All I could think after seeing the LOTR trilogy was that a sampling of Peter Jackson's gray matter should be extracted and put in the Smithsonian. The man's mind is extraordinary.
So I've been extra-hyped about seeing his interpretation of King Kong, especially after learning that this was the movie that mattered to him, the one he'd dreamed of doing all his life, since he was 9 or 10 years old. Peter Jackson goes all out when he makes a movie, so this must be "all out" to the nth degree!!!
Then suddenly, the thought hit me:
Would the ape be anatomically correct?
I mean, think about it, now that you're thinking about it. That's a giant gorilla up there on the screen---much, much bigger than your average zoo-bound ape. According to Wikipedia (yeah, yeah, I know they've been having some credibility problems of late), the adult gorilla's erect penis is 1.5 inches long, smaller than both an adult chimpanzee and a human penis. (I might beg to differ on that, though, because I swear I've personally seen some 1.5 inch...well...I'll leave that for another post...)
Anyway, tiny pee-pee taken into account, that's a number that has to be increased accordingly. Jackson's Kong is big, about 24 feet tall, the last of its gigantic kind on Skull Island. Per Animal Info.org, the average male gorilla (the one with the wee willie), standing upright, is 4.1 to 5.75 feet and weighs 300 to 600 pounds. So let's do some fuzzy math here, folks. 1.5 inches times, what, about 5 (Kong is nearly five times the size of a regular ape)...okay, that gives us about seven-and-a-half inches of ape weenie the new Kong should be packing. (A somewhat disappointing number considering his size, but it's not like I haven't been disappointed before.) Now place that up on the big screen. That should magnify it at least, what, twenty or thirty times more, right? (My blog, my math.) That makes it about---(let's see, 20 x 7.5 inches)---oh my!!! That's 150 inches!!! Which is about 12.5 feet!!! Which means we should be seeing some MAJOR SWINGAGE as Kong leaps from branch to branch, chases people, and scales the Empire State Building. We should be seeing big-time schlong on this big-time Kong. Imagine it in IMAX!!!
But wait. This movie's rated PG-13, isn't it? Which means Kong's dong will probably be hidden inside a bunch of ape bush to keep from scaring the kiddies, making size queens drool, and setting off the world's most massive case of penis envy. Damn. Oh well. I was just wondering...
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posted by Lo @ 9:33 AM   |
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| Prince Has New Music!!! Prince Has New Music!!! |
| Tuesday, December 13, 2005 |
Release the Kraken!!! Prince has new music!!! (...and it's damn purty too!!!)
Prince has new music!! Prince has new music!!
Damn. I'm acting like it's the 80's and sh*t.
Windows Media.com Media Guide: Prince - Te Amo Corazon |
posted by Lo @ 6:02 PM   |
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| So Tired of Ted and Toothy |
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Why won't Ted Casablanca just come on out and say, "Jake Gyllenhaal is Toothy Tile" and be done with it already. Damn. It's not like we all haven't done the math. Rather, those of us who read Ted's The Awful Truth gossip column at E! Online.com, especially the part he calls One Blind Vice, his dangerously-retarded blind item section where you're supposed to figure out what celebrity he's talking about. And ol' reckless, just-itching-to-spill-the-beans Ted doesn't hold back anything but the name. He gets way graphic and stank in his descriptions.
Anyway, after nearly a year of toying with us, we know who Toothy is, alright?
We get it. Good grief, let it go. Still, nary a column goes by without Ted referencing poor, persecuted Toothy, even if the blind item has nothing to do with him.
See what I mean? Check out the way he weaves him into today's blind vice:Stealth Stud-Poof has it all. He's got a decent bod; a procreating, talented gal; and a well-respected and sizzling career. Not to mention a great ass and a boyfriend who knows what to do with it. The butt, that is, not the job stuff.
See, Toothy Tile is not (by far) the only homo in Hollywood who likes to push the fruitcake-covered envelope. Uh-uh, no way.
Whereas our loveable, somewhat confused Tooth is constantly trying to figure out just what the hell he wants to do with his life--sexuality being not the least of his concerns--Stealth has known from his relatively flashy get-go what he wanted in life: a glitzy career, a wife and family and--most definitely--a b-f on the side. Enough!! Enough!! At this point, it's no longer shocking news, if it's true. You kind of hope Jake is Toothy. At least that will explain his being so willing to get brokeback in Brokeback. So there's someone gayer than the sexually-confused Toothy. *Yawn.* Seriously, Ted could be talking about half of Hollywood with this. Closeted gay and bi people in show biz are about as shocking as snow in Alaska. Leave Toothy and his friends alone, Ted. Before they wave their gay wands and take your Technicolor away. Of course, Ted is (per his own admission) just as flaming, so I guess he could just wave his own gay wand and put his color right back. Hmmm. I wonder...do two gay wands neutralize each other? What happens when they both wave at the same time? Do planets collide? Does the universe shift? What exactly happens?
 Oh yeah. That's right.
E! Online.com: One Overly Cozy Blind Vice Previously: The Lo Zone: The Brokeback Effect: Gays Will Become The New Mean Girls and Heteros Will Become Total Nerds |
posted by Lo @ 4:30 PM   |
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| The Truth About A Roni |
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Only tenderonies can give a special love... A special kind of love that makes ya feel good inside.
(*Everybody, sing it with me!!*)
And if you find a tenderoni that is right for you... Make it official...
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posted by Lo @ 1:06 PM   |
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| Sprint Is A Jerk (Or, "Just Because The Technology's There Doesn't Mean That You Should Do It") |
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Remember the Opti-Grab? That little thing Navin Johnson, Steve Martin's character in the movie The Jerk designed to keep eyeglasses from sliding down people's noses? The Opti-Grab gripped the bridge of the nose and kept the glasses securely in place. The thing became a hit, sweeping the country like a Paris Hilton sex tape. Everyone had an Opti-Grab---babies, dogs, you name it. The invention made the destitute Navin a millionaire practically overnight. He lived a fabulous life. His house even had its very own disco. (This was the seventies, folks, so that was a big deal).
Then Opti-Grab customers, one-by-one, began to complain. They were becoming cockeyed, they said, because their eyes kept being drawn to the little contraption that was gripping their noses. They couldn't stop looking at it, and soon their eyes became stuck that way. Navin found himself in court facing his legion accusers. In one of the greatest rags-to-riches-to-rags moments in cinematic history, the hapless Navin lost his money, his big mansion, and all his possessions, and was out on the street with nothing but the raggedy clothes on his back, the pants around his legs, and a chair.
You'd think somebody would learn from this. But then again, I guess it's just like they say...unless we study history, it's doomed to repeat itself.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new Opti-Grab:
You probably already have one. It's just a cameraphone, but now it's about to become so much more.
Sprint just announced that they will soon allow movies, FULL-LENGTH MOVIES, to be downloaded by their customers onto their phones.The offer would be for unlimited shows and movies for a monthly flat fee of $6.95 in addition to the regular service charges. This news comes at a time where Video is becoming a major feature addition to everything from gaming consoles to digital music players. Sprint along with many other wireless phone services are looking to video content like TV programs, music and sports to bring in more revenues. Just think of it. You'll be able to watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith on your train ride home. Or maybe sneakily check out Wedding Crashers during your boring staff meeting. A solid hour-and-a-half of staring at your cellphone. More, if you're watching any of the three Lord Of The Rings.
And then it will happen. Your eyes will get stuck.
I just hope Sprint's got some raggedy clothes and a chair hidden somewhere. Because once this one hits the fan, they're gonna need 'em.
TechWhack News: Sprint Planning To Offer Full Movie Download On Mobile Phones |
posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM   |
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| Somebody Please...Make Me Understand: (Part 1) |
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This is a post that I plan on featuring from time-to-time, whereupon I'll pose a question regarding those things in life that I just don't get. Perhaps one of you will have an answer for me. Maybe there's more than one answer. Maybe you can just make me understand.
And now for my first question. We'll file this under, "A$$, With A Side of Lobster":
"Why do men eat in strip clubs?" Okay, I'll leave it to you to help me wrap my brain around this. You can post your responses in the comments section, but I would prefer for you to send your answers...or wild stabs...to me at TheLoZone@aol.com(there's also a link to e-mail me on the left side of this blog). I'll collect the best responses and post them here. And don't worry, people, I'll maintain your anonymity. I'm just looking for answers to the mysteries of life. |
posted by Lo @ 10:20 AM   |
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| The Brokeback Effect: Gays Will Become The New Mean Girls and Heteros Will Become Total Nerds |
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Once this movie sweeps the feet out from under the coming awards season and everyone accepts that a love story is just a love story---big rusty cowboys be damned---heterosexuals will finally lose their last thread of cachet and suddenly find themselves the odd ones out. If you're not a Big Gay Fashion Designer, a Big Gay Musician, or a Big Gay Writer working on a Big Gay Book...a Big Gay Hair Stylist, a Big Gay Director, or a Big Gay Actor in a Big Gay Flick---if you're not a Big Gay Something doing Something Big and Gay, well then, honey, you're a Big Fat Nobody. A Loser. So yesterday. Didn't you know?
And no, I'm not a homophobe. Me? Please. I owe so much to The Gays. I'm just trying to help the other heteros prepare themselves for the big shift in balance. All that Queer Eye stuff was barely a tremor. This will be the real earth-shaking thing. We might as well face reality. All the cool people, all the cool movies, all the cool places, all the cool stuff...will be Gay. Or made by The Gays. The Presidential speeches? Written by a Gay. Your clothes, your shoes, your sense of style? Several Gays will be behind all that. Your fragrance? You guessed it. A highly-sensitive Gay nose came up with that scent. Your fabulously decorated house? The Gays. Your dog? Groomed by a Gay. Your cat? Your cat IS Gay. That tasty dish of braised salmon with pesto-glazed orzo that you and your date just devoured? Gay. Gay. GayGayGay.
So you see, heteros? We're outnumbered here. It'd be a drab world and we'd look and smell like sh*t if it weren't for The Great Big Gays. So take your straight a$$es somewhere and sit down. Don't worry, I'll be going with you. We can all gather in a tiny hetero huddle and reminisce about the days when The Gays weren't bringing out the perky and vibrant in everything (or at least we didn't know it was them). We'll do this quietly, of course, getting our fix in the back of a dull grey closet. And once we emerge from our sad little nostalgic moment, we'll open that closet door and be greeted by a blinding dose of one of the greatest gifts The Gays ever gave us:
 Show your appreciation, people. Have you thanked a Gay today?
(...oh, and don't try to tell me the man who invented Technicolor was straight. I'm not buying it. Besides, I make up the facts on this blog, not you. Check this out: the first movie to be developed in Technicolor was an adaptation of Madame Butterfly. Madame Butterfly? Uh-huh. Just like I said. Gay. Gay. So Freaking Gay.)
The Internet Movie Database: Brokeback Mountain
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posted by Lo @ 9:15 AM   |
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| America's Next Top Rehab Patient |
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How long will it take for Nicole to crack up and become cracked out once she realizes that she'll never really be the next Giselle or Naomi? Top Model is just the title of the show, and it's an overhyped title at that. Eva Pigford's the only one to truly spin the opportunity off into something halfway decent. Oh, and the girl from season one. Yeah. She was a real showstopper. Ended up on The Surreal Life and then became engaged to, and is possibly marrying, fellow cast member Christopher Knight (aka "Peter Brady") on yet another train wreck of a show.
Besides, we all know the other Nik should have won. She was an Angelina Jolie-meets-Lisa Bonet dark horse (save the puns, please) who came out of the shaky distance and proved herself to be more than worthy of the crown.
I think Tyra was just scared to have three "blackish" women win in a row (remember Naima won last season, right after Eva). Maybe Ms. Banks thought it would appear racially-skewed and also seem as though she was picking girls who looked like her, although I always thought Naima looked more like a bronze Winona Ryder than anything.
The choice between Nicole and Nik should have had nothing to do with race, and who's to say it did? Maybe Nicole was the better girl of the two (yeah, right). And Tyra's trying to appeal to a broader, mainstream audience of young girls (then what the hell am I doing watching the damn show?), so I guess she must tread lightly to appear fair and balanced.
Screw that. Next time, Tyra, just go with your instincts. White people having been winning things more than three times in a row for years. Haven't you ever seen The Apprentice or the presidential race?
UPN.com: America's Next Top Model |
posted by Lo @ 1:15 PM   |
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| A Moment of Silence... |
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 ...to appreciate God's handiwork. Let the church say "Amen."
Prison Break
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posted by Lo @ 12:52 PM   |
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| Flames In Heaven |
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Every time a celebrity couple comes together, an angel's wings catch on fire.
You can blame the newest burnt angel on this freaknasty couple. This weekend Page Six reported that red-hot up-and-coming face suckers actors Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, onscreen lovers in the super-saccharine chick flick The Notebook, are actually bumping uglies dating for real.
Page Six says...
With all the celebrity break-ups sweeping showbiz circles, we're happy to report on what looks like a blossoming romance between Hollywood hotties Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling.
Although representatives for both Gosling and McAdams refused to confirm whether they're hot and heavy, the duo have been spotted engaging in all manner of couple-like activities, from grocery shopping a deux, mutual dog-walking and even sharing a 48-ounce steak at a Morton's in Nashville. Yeah, Sixies, you may be gushing over these two sizzlebots and the adorable way they share bloody meat, but who sheds a tear for the frying angel upstairs? Does anybody down here even care? Don't these people know that you shouldn't sh*t where you eat? Somebody needs to put a stop to all these incestuous celebrity hook-ups, before heaven is filled with nothing but a bunch of burnt-back saints.
Page Six |
posted by Lo @ 12:32 PM   |
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| The Caveman Channel: Served With A Side Order Of Remote Hogging, Cheetos Stains, and 'Shut The F*ck Up Before I Stab You, Bitch!!!' |
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So Sawyer is your favorite character on Lost, and you love the fact that the seemingly tortured Dr. McDreamy is stringing along both his wife and Meredith on Grey's Anatomy. You get goose bumps of glee whenever Agent Jack Bauer blows away a whole building full of people with a targeted missile.
If Tony Soprano is your idol and Dr. Gregory House's raggedy-a$$ bedside manner makes you cheer, then you must be...A MAN, BABY!!! A Neanderthal man at that, because apparently these hardened antisocial tv protagonists are your freaking role models and make you feel okay about your own morally-dubious existence.
Yesterday's Sunday Styles section of the The New York Times reported what many women have suspected all along: that you men are brutish a$$holes (with a heart, of course) who love to act now and deal with the fallout later, maybe handing out a beatdown and/or killing or two along the way. Or at least you like to watch guys act like that on tv. Why? Because you can totally relate to them. You love characters who won't hesitate to stab, shoot, or murder at will. Because that's just how it be's sometimes. Those guys on tv aren't evil, you say. They're reflective of real men caught up in the human struggle. Because every now and then, a guy's gotta go all Tony Soprano on a mutha, ya know? Today's tv antiheroes having nothing in common with, say, Andy Griffith and Perry Mason (read, straight-laced heroes who always did the right thing and never caved). Hell no. Today's man can't stand that kind of character. Too much pressure.
Here's what the Times had to say:
The code of such characters, said Brent Hoff, 36, a fan of "Lost," is: "Life is hard. Men gotta do what men gotta do, and if some people have to die in the process, so be it."
"We can relate to them," said Mr. Hoff, a writer from San Francisco. "If you watch Sawyer on 'Lost,' who is fundamentally good even if he does bad things, there's less to feel guilty about in yourself." Not enough for you? Wait, it gets better...
"It's about comprehending from an entertainment point of view that men are living a very complex conundrum today," [Gary A. Randall] said. "We're supposed to be sensitive and evolved and yet still in touch with our Neanderthal, animalistic, macho side." Watching a deeply flawed male character who nevertheless prevails, Mr. Randall argued, makes men feel better about their own flaws and internal conflicts.
"You think, 'It's O.K. to go to a strip club and have a couple of beers with your buddies and still go home to your wife and baby and live with yourself,'" he said.
Hang on. This gets so much juicier...
Paul Scheer, a 29-year-old actor from Los Angeles and an avid viewer of "Lost," said that not even committing murder alienates an audience. "You don't have to be defined by one act," he said.
"Three people on that island have killed people in cold blood, and they're quote-unquote good people who you're rooting for every week," Mr. Scheer said. The implication for the viewer, he added, is, "You can say 'I'm messed up and I left my wife, but I'm still a good guy.'" How about that, fellas!!! The New York Times just gave you permission to go on a testosterone tear!!! Carpe knives!!! Get out there and bust some random caps in some random a$$es, then head straight for the nearest Scores, Spearmint Rhino, or shake-booty club of your choice!!! Blow some cash on a stripper, then go home and hug your kids. And if your girl gives you grief, just show her the article (the link's at the top and bottom of this post) and remind her that you're still one of the good ones---the New York Times says so!---although I'm not too sure she's going to buy into all this.
See, I know why I watch Prison Break...
I'm just sayin'.
But apparently the male psyche is seeing something different. All that stabbing going on in Gen-pop, guards picking prisoners off with sniper guns, and the digging, the digging!! Men digging their way out of prison. Hmmm. Sounds like there's a greater metaphor here (cough, "I feel trapped!!," cough).
Girls, if your man is a little too fascinated by Michael Scofield and his merry band of escape artists burrowing their way out of jail, I'd be checking my relationship for cracks, if you know what I mean.
Just be careful how you bring up the subject. Don't do it while he's watching Lost, 24, Prison Break, The Sopranos, The Shield, Nip/Tuck, or anything on Spike TV, FX, or The Sci-Fi Channel. Hell, just don't do it while the tv's on at all, because if you interrupt him, it's a crapshoot. He might be sweet and loving, reassuring you that all is well. Or not. Ask the wrong question at the wrong time, and he might get medieval on your a$$. He's just a man, after all.
And a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
What Men Want: Neanderthal TV - New York Times |
posted by Lo @ 9:40 AM   |
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| Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. (Part 1): The Sample Chapter!!! |
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And now, ladies and gents, begins the exciting inevitable---teasers from my HOT, EDGY new novel. (Yeah, I said it...my blog, my horn, I'm tooting it.) I wanted to do this gently, with elegant fanfare, like tender lovemaking in a room filled with candles and the sweet smell of, oh, I don't know, maybe lavender and crushed rose petals. But nooooo. My book insisted on a fast, furious, Tina Turner/Beyonce'-styled booty shake---an intense chapter filled with hot-boiled action just to get you started and riled up. And so, being but a slave to the word, I must comply with its wishes. There'll be no slow-paced lead-ins and tender caresses today. This is going to be a quickie against the wall.
And so, herewith below...a sample chapter from Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. Again, I was going to excerpt something subtle, something nice and easy. But around here we never do anything...nice and easy. No, uh-uh. On this blog, we like to do it...ROUGH.
*cue music: Luther Campbell's Shake What Ya Mama Gave Ya*
The sample chapter starts right NOW...
Coke would
…never go out of style. People could talk all they wanted about designer drugs, heroin, and crystal meth, but the powdery stuff---blow, snow, white girl, yeyo, toot, whatever one’s term of fancy---it was stalwart, as reliable as the sunrise. It had stood the test of much, much time. Nations had been founded on it, while others had become war torn over the stuff. It was the bread of life, both the giver and taker of dreams. Cut just right, it could deliver a blast of I-don’t-give-a-fuck-inducing numbness that was as liberating as a divorce decree.
Snuffed up in the right dose at a party, and it was on.
Snuffed up in the wrong dose, and the party was over.
Cocaine had gotten a bad rap in the nineties. Almost overnight, it had gone from being the rock star of narcotics to a shameful leper, much the way cigarettes were falling from grace. It was generally seen as an uncool habit for uncool people, even though the powerful and successful continued to do it on the sneak. For a moment, even heroin had become chic and crack wasn’t as whack, yet cocaine was the dirty whore with a dirty past. But there was a new generation of Hollywood hipsters, musicians, and celebutantes who were unabashed about letting the world peek into their sexual antics and recreational drug choices. Rappers and rockers alike bragged in interviews and videos about how much they loved weed, blow, and group sex, and piles of white stuff were once again making appearances on the mirrored tables and plates of the better house parties, alongside big fat blunts and rounds of X. People were once more dipping into their little vials of toot with their tiny silver spoons. “It” girls were photographed with insouciant traces of powder around the edges of their noses. Yeyo had been relegated to the bastard position behind Ecstasy and other amphetamine- and methamphetamine-based designer drugs for nearly a decade, but now it was stepping back into the spotlight to regain its rightful, time-weathering position.
Cocaine was, once again, the king of the room.
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“Cooooooooooooke…is a many-splendored thing.”
Sharlyn was singing as she dip-dip-dove her schnoz into a fluffy white mini-mound of the stuff in a folded piece of plain white paper she’d taken from her purse. She didn’t snort often. Miles didn’t know she did it at all. He’d never seen that side of her and would disapprove if he did, same as he frowned on the cursing.
Fuck Miles, she thought.
Diamond and Aurora didn’t know, either. At least, they never let on that they did. No one had ever seen her do it. Well, practically no one.
There was a knock on the door of her stall.
“Shar.”
It was her friend Tina, who was also her stylist. Tina was the one who’d hooked her up with the supplier of this most primo cocaine, a guy called Titty. Really. Titty Mebane. Miles didn’t like Tina. Natch.
“She’s too much of a free spirit,” he said, “and she’s always cursing. She’s good with clothes, but there’s something rather seedy about her.”
Fuck Miles.
Shar opened the door and let Tina in.
“All I want is a little,” Tina said, scooping a teensy bit with the glittery-blue acrylic nail of her pinky. She snuffed it up. “Yum.”
“I didn’t know you were coming,” Shar said, wiping her nose.
“I heard there might be cute boys here.”
“But you’ve had all the cute boys.”
“Not nearly enough,” Tina replied.
Sharlyn smoothed the front of her low-rise Frankie B.s and opened the stall door. She walked out into the always packed bathroom and squeezed her way over to the mirror. Tina followed her.
“That’s a cute top. Did I pick that out for you?”
“No, I got it today. I wanted something that made me feel good.”
“That oughta do the trick. Are your tits warm enough?”
“You’re such a whore.”
They both laughed and made their way out of the bathroom.
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Bungalow 8 was one of, if not the, most private nightspots in the city. Located in West Chelsea, it was the spawn of that entrepreneurial maven of club savvy, Amy Sacco, who also owned Cabana at the Maritime Hotel and the popular bar Lot 61. Lot 61 was a fun, funky, supercool lounge, with exquisite food, drinks strong enough to choke an ox, and damn good deejays playing damn good music. Over time, it had become less a gathering of the who’s who of the celebrity world and ultrahip scenesters, and was now more bridge-and-tunnel, full of non-Manhattanites and regular folks trying to flex as though they were actual denizens of the city. Imposter was written all over them, but no one gave a fuck. People could get loose and have a good time. If one didn’t mind hobnobbing with the hoi polloi, Lot 61 was a great place to be.
For those who wanted to leave the unwashed masses behind, Bungalow 8 was the antidote. Getting inside was a feat akin to winning a hundred-million-dollar lottery, although rumors (urban legends, perhaps?) were beginning to circulate of superattractive nobodies getting in on less-challenging Monday nights, the apparent Achilles’ heel of the doorkeeper’s week. There was a No Vacancy sign flashing in the window, lest anyone got the idea that they might have a chance at entry. Modeled after the glamour and style of the famous lair to the stars, Bungalow 8 at the Beverly Hills Hotel, this Bungalow 8 was an intimate setting filled with potted palms, murals, lots of big furniture, and skylights, all mixed with a tropical poolside theme. The place brought to mind images of everything from old Hollywood to something out of Brian De Palma’s Scarface. One would not have been surprised to see Tony Montana and his “liddle fren” burst into the room at any moment. (Big-time Tony, of course, after he became a major drug lord; the doorman would have never even made eye contact with Mariel boat lift Tony.) There was a concierge and a nearby helipad for the truly important who needed to lift off at a moment’s notice. Bungalow 8 put the “clu” in exclusive, and those who didn’t have a clue and insisted on trying to pry their way in were doomed to doing the walk of shame, back, back, back to the nobody worlds from whence they came, back to the tar pits and asphalt of the cruel city, back with the rest of the non-Amex Black Card-wielding, no-helicopter-having human dreck.
There would be no unwashed masses in Bungalow 8.
It was strictly the playground of the unwashed elite.
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Penn was standing a few feet down the block, calculating his move. A crowd of idiots hovered near the door, soon-to-be walk of shamers all, blocked by a bouncer whose forehead looked as though it could crush stone. These people had no chance of getting in and they knew it, but this was New York, and people liked to dream, and for some it was enough to be able to say they saw so-and-so going inside or coming out of such-and-such club. Mindless frivolity. Penn had greater things at hand, and it didn’t involve crowding around a door, begging entry. This would be a breeze. This kind of thing always was.
Sure enough, a small group of two beautiful girls and three men of assorted size and persuasion passed by him amid a cloud of cigarette smoke and laughter. Penn noticed that one of the girls was the actress Chloë Sevigny. He fell into step along with them as though he belonged and walked toward the club. Chloë and her friends realized what he was doing and welcomed him in. As they passed effortlessly through the door, Chloë turned to him and said, “You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“You owe me,” said Chloë. “I’ll collect later. Not tonight.”
“Done,” he replied with a nod, and disappeared into the party.
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“I want a lobster club sandwich,” Shar said.
“No you don’t. You want another Wardrobe Malfunction.”
Sharlyn burst into a profound round of giggles. She couldn’t stop herself. She kept laughing and laughing and laughing. Then she saw Diamond DeLane dancing with her husband.
“Look at them go,” Sharlyn said, growing somber. “At least she’s got her man.” Her eyes began to well up and her lip was in a pout. “Where’s Aurora?”
“I don’t know. But we need some more drinks.”
“Noooooo,” Shar whined.
Tina raised her right brow.
“All right,” Shar said, snapping out of her instant funk. “Just a couple more. Hey, I can’t feel my nose. Is it still there?”
“Oh yeah,” Tina said, pressing the tip of her client-buddy’s snout. “You definitely still have it.”
“And my cheeks. What about my cheeks?”
“Cheeks are in effect.”
Sharlyn went into her tiny purse and pulled out a compact. She still had her cheeks, even though she couldn’t feel them. And there it was. Her perfect brown nose. Not too wide and Negroid, but not so narrow that it looked retouched, which it wasn’t.
“Miles loves my nose.”
“Of course he does,” Tina concurred in a deadpan voice.
“What?” Shar said, snapping the compact shut. “Are you saying he doesn’t?”
“I’m saying you need another drink.”
“He loves my nose. He loves everything about me. And I love him.”
“Of course you do. Now let’s have another drink.”
Tina shined her pearly whites at Shar. The diamond stud in her left front tooth twinkled in the light. Shar stared at the sparkling jewel, cocking her head to the side.
“Did that hurt?” she asked.
“C’mon, Shar, you know it didn’t.”
“Are you sure?” She reached over and patted Tina’s shoulder with concern. “It looks like it was painful. You can tell me.”
“I was stoned when I got it. You ready for that drink? I told him to keep them coming.”
“Oh, awwwwwriiiiiiiiiight,” Sharlyn said. “Gosh, Tina, you’re such a bad influence.”
Shar wasn’t quite sloshed, but she was close. And she felt gidddddddddddyyyyyy, supergiddy, like maybe she could fly (or, at the very least, float around the room).
It was that weird feeling that came from mixing drugs and drink. It was a combination that required great care. Too much, and a person was apt to do very bad or embarrassing things.
Their libations arrived.
A Wardrobe Malfunction, or WMD (the D was for “drink”), was a chocolate martini with a splash of Everclear and a Hershey’s Kiss (faux nipple) floating on top. All it took was a few of them and bras inevitably came off. A fair share of starlets, A-list actresses, and their hangers-on had flashed their superbowls after one WMD too many.
Sharlyn grabbed one and drank it at once.
“Shar, slow down. You’re gonna get sick.”
“No I’m not,” she said with a burp. “And you’re a fine one to tell me to slow down when you’re the one that’s making me drink, you little skank.”
Tina laughed.
Shar sat back against the seat, her brow furrowed.
“I can’t stand Miles,” she said.
“Miles isn’t here,” said Tina. “So party, bitch. Like it’s 2005.”
Shar gave Tina a prolonged blank stare. Then she brought her legs up on the banquette, stood on the seat, and funked to the music until her Giuseppe Zanottis punched a hole in the upholstery and she went crashing, laughing, onto the floor.
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He spotted her across the room, over the sea of celebrity heads and reality-show throwoffs. Overpriced liquor was being sucked down like air and the scent of fame was rich, thick, and heady.
This is what it will be like, he realized. This is what it will be like to be one of them.
Random hands were feeling him up, faceless voices coming on to him at his ear.
Someone snapped his photo.
“You’re delish,” the girl said as she clicked away. “Who are you?”
“You’ll know soon enough,” Penn said as he smiled and pushed past her. There was his dark horse, heading toward the bathroom. She’d been dancing on the seat in her booth for the longest, flinging her arms around, her breasts barely contained in a strappy silk top. And the way her jeans hugged her ass. Penn had a rock in his pants and just watching her made it grow more granite by the second. Sharlyn Tate, right there in front of him, a sexy beast in the worst fucking way. It would be fun to nail someone this beautiful, this powerful. He reached into his pocket for some Kiehl’s, squeezed it on his finger, and smeared it on his lips. And then he was off.
Now was the time.
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Shar was wiping her nose when she walked out of the bathroom right into a solid body in a solid black shirt. The force of the impact knocked her back a little and she stumbled. A strong hand caught her by the wrist to keep her from falling.
“My bad,” she said, still not looking up. “I should watch where I’m going.”
“No, it’s my fault. I guess I was distracted.”
Sharlyn glanced up into the face of the guy talking.
He was smiling. There was a twinkle in his pupils as he held on to her wrist.
“Whoa,” she said. “Shit. Whoa.”
“Whoa, yourself.”
She staggered back a little, teetering on the stiletto Zanottis. He was still holding on to her hand as she ended up with her back against a wall. He was standing so close to her, right in her face.
Shar’s head, the room, her emotions, all of them were atwirl. She was so fucking high, and drunk, and horny, and this kid, this kid, ooh-wee, this kid was hot.
“You sure you all right?” he asked.
Sharlyn’s eyes were fixed on his lips. They were so moist, succulent even, like the flesh of some kind of juice-laden fruit. He had his hand pressed against the wall as he leaned over her. His hair was thick and blonde. She wanted to touch it, but those lips were calling first.
“Hey,” he said, his voice low and seductive, “you looked really good dancing over there.”
“Oh yeah,” she said, her eyes still on his mouth.
“Fuck, yeah. You’re gorgeous. But you know that, of course. I probably sound stupid even saying it. Everybody tells you that, right? You hear stuff like that every day.”
“Not as much as I’d like to,” she said. Which brought back thoughts of Miles. Miles and his mergers. Miles and his this, that, and everything else. Miles didn’t have lips like this, hair like this, eyes like this, skin like this. Miles was sexy, granted, but Miles was gone. She’d never wanted anything but her husband, but her husband obviously wanted more things than just her.
Fuck Miles.
“I think you’re really…”
Sharlyn cut him off as she pulled his face toward hers and pressed her mouth against those juicy lips. They were soft, fleshy, moist, delicious. And then his tongue was tangoing with hers and she was breathing him in and she was sure he could taste the WMDs on her breath and she couldn’t feel her face because her whole sinus cavity had gone numb, but miraculously her lips hadn’t, and neither had her tongue, and neither had that freshly bald place between her thighs because his hand was there now, pressing between the Frankie B.s, and she was wet, and getting wetter, and she was grinding against his hand and she didn’t even care, because she needed this, needed this night, needed to be felt up and sucked on and dry-humped by someone who seemed liked they at least might give a fuck, at least for a second, and although Sharlyn Tate had never cheated on Miles Tate before, right now, in this moment, it wasn’t about him. This was going to be all about her.
Fuck Miles, she thought.
“Fuck me,” she said.
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And he was about to.
He didn’t care. He would fuck her right there on the floor, in front of an Olsen twin, and all these celebs, models, and fashionistas. That would surely make a mark, get some attention. Look at what it had done for Paris.
But Sharlyn was apparently gathering her wits. He stroked his thumb across the jean-covered nub between her legs and she buckled a little, moaned a lot.
“We can’t do this here,” she said, looking around. “Too many people know me. I shouldn’t even be kissing you like this. It’ll be in the Post in the morning.”
He stepped back from her, following her eyes. Everyone seemed to be into their own thing. There was Naomi in the corner, showing off her legs. The Olsens were laughing and shouting over the music. Owen Wilson or Luke Wilson or that other brother of theirs, whatever, in any case, one of the assorted working Wilsons was talking to one of the assorted working Baldwins. Alec maybe. Maybe not. There were a lot of well-known faces around. So far, what Sharlyn was doing seemed to be slipping under the radar.
“What’s your name?”
“Penn. Penn Hamilton.”
“Penn Hamilton. I could eat you up.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Shit,” she said, talking to herself. He could see her thinking, could tell she was weighing the matter of next moves. He could touch her right now, touch her in a place of weakness, but that might be a bad move. Just let her be, he thought. Let her sort the what-ifs out for herself. This had to be her decision. It had to be all on her.
She reached into her tiny purse and pulled out a pen.
“You got some paper?” she asked.
“No.”
“All right. This is so high school, but here…”
She grabbed his right hand and jotted down a number.
“That’s my cell. Can I trust you to have my cell?”
“Of course, but don’t you think you should have asked me that before you wrote the number down?”
“I’m a little discom…”
“…bobulated?”
“Yeah.” She smiled, her lip pressed into a tight curve. “I’m a little discom-that.”
He cast his eyes toward the floor, a practiced move of sudden coyness, then lifted them again and gave her the full-on gaze. He knew his lashes would be framed just right, showcasing the inviting luminosity of his baby blues.
“Are you a spy for anybody?” she asked. “Page Six? Gawker.com?”
“Do I look like a spy?”
“Yes. You’re too perfect. This must be a trick.”
“I suppose I should say thanks, but I’m not sure that’s a compliment.”
“It is.”
“Well, I think you’re pretty perfect, too.”
It was Shar’s turn to cast her eyes to the floor. He could tell she probably hadn’t done the flirting thing in years. Penn realized this was a woman who was used to getting what she wanted and always had her needs attended to. Something must be missing. Her pupils were dilated when she glanced up at him. Just how high was she? Was she completely aware of what was happening, or would this be a blip, the dregs of an afterthought when the hangover kicked in? He’d tasted the chocolate and vodka on her breath and her tongue. She was steeped in drink. But Penn didn’t believe it was just the drugs and alcohol making her behave like this. This was a deliberate woman, a very intelligent woman, a woman whose work he’d read and recognized within that writing a shrewdness and an eye for detail that meant not much got past her.
There was something more going on here. Despite the fact that he needed something from her, Sharlyn Tate obviously needed something from him, too.
“Hold out your arm.”
He did.
She rolled up his sleeve and wrote the following:
I, Penn Hamilton, want nothing from Sharlyn Tate and have no plans to exploit or sue her.
The writing was wobbly and crooked, but legible. She was high, but not so high that she didn’t want to cover her ass.
“Now write the same thing on my arm,” she said. “Verbatim.”
“Damn. This is pretty elaborate, don’t you think? Next you’re going to want me to sign my name in blood.”
“That’s a thought.”
Penn gazed long into her eyes. He really did want to fuck her something fierce.
And a plan was a plan.
He took the pen and wrote the same words on her arm.
“Now sign them both. My arm and your arm.”
He shook his head and laughed.
“You’re crazy.”
“People are crazy. I’ve got to protect myself.”
He signed both arms.
She reached into her purse and took out her Sidekick.
“Now hold up your arm.”
He did. She snapped a picture of it.
He was still laughing. This woman was smart.
She snapped a picture of her arm.
Then she snapped a picture of him. His face.
“I need something to look at to remind me why I’m doing this,” she said.
“And what, exactly, are you doing?”
She glanced around.
“Meet me at the Sherry-Netherland in thirty minutes. You know where it is, right?”
“Of course.”
“Ask for Tina Turner’s room. They’ll give you a key.”
“Suppose it’s the room key of the real Tina Turner?”
“Then lots of luck. She’s got legs of steel.”
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The Sherry-Netherland was a landmark in New York City. Located on Fifth Avenue across from the southernmost entrance to Central Park, it was a historic piece of architecture from the Jazz Age, a gorgeous testament to luxurious living.
Sharlyn’s suite, the Grande Deluxe, was a study in moneyed elegance. There was the (standard) chandelier, a sumptuous cream-colored sofa, chairs done in a delicate salmon, an inviting chaise in a rich burgundy brocade, and a desk, the desk where she wrote, facing the window overlooking Central Park. A vast mirror hung over the fireplace, and a short-legged coffee table in deep mahogany sat just in front of the sofa. Fresh flowers were everywhere---just inside the door, by the window, on the mantel, in the center of the classic round dining table, in the bedroom, next to the sumptuous king bed, and inside the marble bathroom.
This was a place where she could find comfort and creativity. A place that brought out the best in her, when the best was there to be found. She hadn’t been very creative at the Sherry of late, but things, it seemed, were about to change.
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They were in the bathroom. She was standing on the toilet, the agile minx, in the Zanottis and nothing more.
His face was between her legs. She was biting her lip, moaning, her eyes tightly closed.
He was wet with her, pressed into her satiny brown hairless netherloins of wonder. He was eating book pussy, movie pussy, superstar pussy, and it was soft and scrumptious and should have come with a glass of nicely aged tawny port, because this was dessert, sweetness, heaven, the antithesis of the bony hell of Beryl’s mean snatch with its alien labia and sideshow clit. Penn realized that it was going to take everything in him not to fuck Sharlyn tonight. He had to wait, do this exactly right. Tonight he would eat her, there in the bathroom of her hotel hideaway, eat the shit out of her, and then leave her there, wobbly kneed, but just turned out enough to want to know him more, to need him more, to buckle every time she thought about his tongue darting in and out of her tight wet canyon, and lapping around that sea of brown softness. He would do what he had planned to do to Beryl, only this time he would get it right.
She was coming now, coming loud, on his cheeks, in his mouth. He grabbed her legs and carried her, crotch still in his face, into the bedroom and laid her down on the coverless bed, onto the cool, welcoming sheets. She was gasping, choking, spastic, reaching at him and his incredible hair, coughing, coming, and coughing some more. He was on his knees at the foot of the bed, still working on her, even though she was in the throes, in many throes, throes and stilettos, all kicking in the air.
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Sharlyn couldn’t feel her face.
None of it.
All the sensation had traveled out of her head and was down between her legs, which felt like some sort of dormant volcano that had at long last erupted.
When was the last time Miles had eaten her? She searched her mind, but couldn’t remember. It was a long time ago, whenever it was. So much time had passed, cunnilingus almost felt brand-new.
“You all right?” the handsome boy asked. He wasn’t a boy, Shar thought, correcting herself. He was a man. God. And what a man. He was lovely, golden, glowing, and he had a magical tongue.
The Magic Tongue. Yes. That could be the name of her next book.
No. That was silly.
The Magic Boy.
No.
A tune danced in her head.
Try, try, try to understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannd…
The Magic Man!
There.
That was better.
“Hey,” he repeated. “You all right?”
He was stroking her face, her breasts, her thighs.
“You’ve inspired me,” she whispered. She was in a reverie, her body throbbing and her mind refreshed. It was the first creative moment she’d had in months. She wanted to run to a computer, a laptop, some paper, something, and write it all down.
“Inspired you?” he asked. “How’s that?”
He was lying alongside her nakedness, but he was still clothed. Sharlyn realized she hadn’t even seen his dick. Hadn’t even felt it. Yet she was happy, sated, had experienced tremendous, necessary release. And he was so pretty, this guy.
And she’d just cheated on Miles! And she didn’t care!
Fuck Miles!
This was business, not personal. Her husband shouldn’t have been hunting down the Finlandian dollar and neglecting his business at home. See what happens when you set pussy free? Premium pussy? Ukrainian-yanked hairless pussy, the most exotic in the world? Miles had left his unattended. When you do what you do, you get what you get.
Fuck Miles!
“How did I inspire you?”
“Huh? Oh. You’re making my brain work. It’s been stuck on stupid.”
“You? Stupid? Never. You’re the shit.” He placed fluttery kisses on the side of her neck. “You’re a goddess…(kiss)…a beautiful…(kiss)…amazing…(kiss)…delectable goddess.” His lips were against her ear, his voice a gentle, barely audible wind. “A goddess with a pot of honey so sweet, I could drink from it forever.”
A jolt of electricity shot through Shar. Was it the drugs that were making her like this? she wondered. The alcohol? She still felt lucid, and yeah, her face was numb, but she was aware of everything around her. She knew she had cheated on her husband, and she had done so willfully. There were no pangs of conscience.
Fuck Miles indeed.
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He was getting up off his knees.
Shar opened her legs wider, expecting to welcome the rest of him in.
He went to the bathroom instead. Took a piss, checked his face in the mirror, turned on the faucet, washed his hands and splashed some water on his face.
He was fixing his clothes when he came out.
“What are you doing?” Sharlyn asked. “Get your sexy butt over here.”
“I’ve gotta go,” he said.
She bolted upward, her legs still splayed.
“What do you mean, ‘go’? We’re just getting started. Get over here.”
Penn walked to the bed. She pulled him closer.
“Now let’s get these slacks off,” she said, tugging at his zipper. “You have condoms, right?”
“No, seriously.” He took hold of her hands. “I have to go.”
Penn leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.
“So you’re just going to, to…,” she swallowed, “…to do what you just did and that’s it?”
“Believe me, I’d like to do more, but I’ve got to be somewhere really early…”
“Oh brother,” Shar said, flopping back on the bed, “tell me you’re not going to run that oldest of lines on me.” She clasped her forehead. “I can’t believe it. The first time I dare to do something like this, I get blown off.”
Penn sat on the bed.
“I’m not blowing you off. I so want to be here. I want to feel what it’s like inside of you...,” he ran his finger along her thigh, “…slide in and out of your…”
“Then why are you going?”
“Because I have some important business to take care of in the morning, and if I don’t go now, I’ll never leave. I know myself.”
“Shit,” Sharlyn said.
“But I’d like to see you again.”
She was looking at him, scouring his face with those dark, sexy eyes. He really did want to fuck her. Damn.
“You know I’m married.”
“Oh yes.”
“My husband is a very…”
“I know who your husband is.”
She wriggled her nose.
“He’s a very powerful man.”
“He’s not the one I want to fuck.”
She sat up, her face very close to his.
“But you will be fucking him,” she said in a low voice. “We both will.”
Penn pulled her mouth to his and kissed it hard, his tongue playing with the tip of hers.
“I can taste myself all over you.” She exhaled, her shoulders going limp. “Why can’t you just do me and be done with it? Let me get this out of my system.”
“You really think one time would get whatever ‘this’ is out of your system?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Not for me, anyway, and I’d dare to guess that it wouldn’t for you, either. We’re attracted to each other. All you did was bump into me, and look where it got us.”
“You bumped into me.”
“We bumped into each other.”
“Right,” she said.
She was playing with her hands. She glanced up, her eyes full of gravity.
“Not in public. Never in public.”
“We can do this however you want.”
“And I’ll need to see an AIDS test.”
“So will I.”
She leaned back, surprised.
“I’ve gotta protect myself,” he said with a smirk. “I’ve heard how wild celebrities can be.”
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He was at the door, about to leave.
She had all the pertinent information, where he lived, his phone number, his name, his cunnilingual abilities. She’d given him no further information of her own than what he already had: her cell number and her Tina Turner alias at the Sherry. She was a public personality. It wouldn’t be that hard to find her.
Her whole body was tingling as she watched him. She’d just had a tryst. That was the kind of stuff she wrote about, not the kind of thing she did. She was a bad girl, bad girl, such a dirty bad girl.
Beep, beep. Uh-huh.
“Keep the key,” she said. “Use it tomorrow. I’ll still be here.”
Penn nodded.
“Do you need me to send a car for you?”
“That’s not necessary,” he said. “The less spectacle the better.”
“I like that.”
“Awesome.”
“‘Awesome,’” she said with a laugh. “You’re such a white boy.”
“And you’re quite the black girl.”
“Girl?”
“Boy?”
“Young man.”
“All right then. Woman.”
“That’s better. There’s nothing girlish about me, young man.”
He was contemplating her now, checking the whole of her out. She was suddenly aware of her nakedness and the Zanottis, and the way she was sitting at the edge of her bed with her legs open. This was a porn pose. She wondered if she looked the part as much as she felt it. With her legs showcased like this, she was even feeling a little like the real Tina Turner, a pseudonym she’d come up with after her stylist suggested she go with something more inventive than the name she’d been using, which was Ben-Hur.
“I get tired of asking for that,” Tina had said after she’d come up to Shar’s room at the Four Seasons in Milan so she could get her dressed to attend Roberto Cavalli’s fall show. “Every time I say the name, images of Charlton Heston dance in my head.”
“That’s not a bad visual,” said Shar. “He was sexy in that movie.”
“That’s not the Charlton Heston I picture,” Tina said.
“Yecchh,” said Shar, who had been standing in nothing but a bra, panties, and strappy heels at the time. “Perhaps I need do need to come better than that.”
Tina was opening garment bags and taking out clothes as Sharlyn pranced about the room, unable to keep still, high on a quick whiff of some local blow.
“Look at you,” Tina had said. “Look at those legs. What a tall drink of water you are, Mrs. Tate.”
And Shar had checked her reflection in the mirror and looked at Tina, and put two and four together and, like that, her next all-purpose hotel pseudonym had been born.
“So what happens when you wake up tomorrow,” Penn was now asking, “and realize you were just a little too high and maybe drank a little too much? How do you know you won’t regret all this?”
“Because I’m forty-three years old, Penn Hamilton, and at forty-three, you know yourself and take full responsibility for what you do. No matter how high or drunk I get, which isn’t often by the way, I don’t lose my sense of awareness. I’ll remember what I’ve done. If I’m not here tomorrow when you put your key in that door, it won’t have anything to do with regret.”
“That’s good,” he said. “I think.”
“You just hold up your end and I’ll worry about mine.”
“Done.”
He opened the door and turned.
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” she said. “Hey, wait a sec. What are you, a model? An actor? You have to be someone to have gotten into the party tonight.”
“I’m a writer.”
“A writer?”
“Yes. A writer.”
Sharlyn was laughing now, and shaking her head.
“Of course. Of all the men I could have messed around with, it’s just my luck to find another scribe.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Not necessarily. You published?”
“No.”
Sharlyn laughed again.
Her Sidekick was ringing. At this hour? It was probably Tina, hunting her down.
“You going to get that?” he asked.
“I’d better,” she said. “Good night, Penn.”
“Good night, beautiful.”
The door was barely shut as she crawled across the bed and grabbed her purse from the nightstand. She pulled out the phone.
Miles.
She laughed again, this time even louder.
Fuck him!
She was zinging, every pore of her, full of liberation and rebelliousness and rich, rich thoughts. She waited until the call had rolled over to voice mail, scrolled through the directory, and found her assistant’s number. It was late, very late, but hey, that was what assistants were for. The groggy girl answered after three rings.
“Wake up, Brookie.”
“I’m awake, Mrs. Tate. Are you okay?”
“I want my laptop. I need you to go get it.”
“Yes, ma’am. Where is it?”
“It’s in my bedroom, sitting on the chaise. I need you to go over there and pick it up, and then bring it to me at my spot.”
“Your spot, ma’am?”
“You know, Brookie, where I hide out to write.”
“The Plaza Athénée?”
“I’m at the Sherry.”
“The Sherry, of course.”
Shar could hear the poor girl fighting back a yawn, trying to bring herself around. It was late. Or early, depending on how you saw it. After two in the morning. So what? she thought. It wasn’t like she made a whole lot of demands on Brookie (whose real name was Brookland, which ranked right up there with Milestone). Most of the time Brookie skated by, enjoying far more perks than she did practical labor. The girl, a twenty-three-year-old graduate of Spelman, was the daughter of one of Miles’s favorite cousins and was quite efficient and full of endearing charms and Southern ways, most of which Sharlyn appreciated, although she occasionally found that Southern graciousness grating when she needed to cut to the chase and Brookie insisted on being formal or going through unnecessary pleasantries.
The girl couldn’t help it, she’d been trained by legions of suppliant Southern women who believed in catering to others with beguiling civility, always making sure everything was “okay.” Shar had heard the phrases “Are you okay?” and “Do you need anything?” come flying out of Brookie’s mouth more times than she could count. One of these days, she had decided, she was going to say “No, Brookie, I’m not okay,” just to see what would happen. The girl’s head would probably fly off. Or not. Ol’ save-the-day Brookie had more tricks than a Swiss army knife. It didn’t help that she spoke with one of those sickeningly sweet, eye-batting twangs. The kind that, outside of the South, enslaved any man within earshot and made an independent woman’s skin do a crawl.
“How long do you think it’ll take you to get over here?” Shar asked.
“Is an hour all right?”
“Try to make it in thirty, forty-five at the most.”
“Yes, ma’am. Is the laptop all you need? Would you like me to…”
“Just the laptop, Brookie, and make sure you bring the power cord.”
“Yes, ma’am. Do you need any…”
“You don’t have to bring it up to my room. Just leave it at the front desk. They’ll be expecting it.”
“For Tina Turner, Mrs. Tate?”
“Yes, Brookie, for Tina Turner.”
Why was the girl taking her through this? Tina Turner was the only fake name she knew. Brookie hadn’t been around in the Ben-Hur days. Shar was sure Brookie was purposeful when she did stuff like this. It was standard passive-aggressive Southern-girl nitpicking. Breaking your will with sweetness under the guise of trying to be helpful.
“Mrs. Tate, do you need me to…”
“Thanks, Brookie. Hurry, hurry.”
Sharlyn clicked off the call before the overaccommodating Brookie could squawk out anything else. She already knew the girl would come with more than just the laptop. There’d be some ghetto shit like an ice-cold pineapple Fanta and a bag of crab-flavored Utz from the bodega on the corner of her block in Harlem.
Shortly after her arrival a year before, Brookie had somehow divined that Shar craved low-brow stuff as much as she did high end, and the girl appealed to that yen with a quiet maliciousness that Sharlyn didn’t know how to fight against. Shar was mortified the day Brookie “accidentally” left a greasy sack of cracklins on her desk, tasty pieces of salted fried pork fat with thick crunchy skin (far more low income and lard laden than those popular bags of air-puffed pork rinds that had somehow jumped class and become Atkins favorites). Shar had scarfed the cracklins down in toto, only to be stricken with an abysmal case of shame immediately afterward. Brookie had tapped into a weakness Shar didn’t even realize she had, but Brookie never said anything, she just kept, literally, feeding the guttersnipe in Shar, taking a bit of Shar’s dignity every time she did it.
Since then, Brookie, who also possessed superb culinary skills, had left Shar everything from popcorn with hot sauce on it to fresh-cooked hog maws (Shar didn’t even know what a “maw” was, but, damn, it was good!). Shar never ate the items in Brookie’s presence, but she never sent them away, either. The exasperating girl was always doing something, anything, to show Sharlyn that she wasn’t just another assistant, but one who paid attention to the little things, the ones that mattered, like what Shar liked to munch on when she was writing, treats that had a surprising way of making Shar creatively better, especially when she was properly motivated and the sex was great between her and Miles. But the sex had’t been good, even though she was still eating all the snacks Brookie brought around.
Shar wasn’t a big fan of exercise. She was lucky she had good genes and a high metabolism, even though she had put on a couple of pounds since Brookie’s arrival. Not enough to cause alarm, still, those unsolicited, unexpected ghetto snacks had the potential to do real damage, not just to her appearance, but on the health front---all those fried pork skins and hoghead cheeses and pickled entrails, disgusting shit, really, if you considered it objectively---which was why she did her best to deter Brookie from bringing them anywhere near her.
Shar picked up the room phone and pressed the button for the front desk.
“Yes, Miss Turner.”
“I’m expecting a laptop to be delivered shortly. Will you ring me before you send it up?”
“Yes, Miss Turner.”
“Make sure you ring me first.”
“Of course, Miss Turner.”
“Thanks.”
Shar hung up the phone, her legs stretched out in front of her. She studied her calves, which were lean and shapely. Her skin was smooth and blemish free. Funny how she hadn’t noticed how attractive her legs were, not lately. She was almost as bad as Miles, the way she’d been ignoring herself. Diamond and Aurora had done her such a favor, getting her out of the house like that. She ran her hand across her thigh. It was butter-soft in the wake of her afternoon at the spa.
She could still feel a gentle throb between her legs. The thought of what she’d done made it throb some more. The alcohol/coke buzz had mellowed into something quite nice. And she had a title now (and, perhaps, a muse?).
The Magic Man.
It was a start. That was all she needed.
After that, the rest would come easy.
Previously: The Lo Zone: I Said, "IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!!!!" Previously: The Lo Zone: Yeah, You Know What This Is...
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posted by Lo @ 9:25 AM   |
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| And The Snark-Attacked Winner Of The Week Is... |
| Friday, December 09, 2005 |
| My book editor at HarperCollins, Jennifer Pooley, for getting unceremoniously mocked by those ultra-nasties over at Gawker.com for buying a book of fashion-forward nursery rhymes called THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO PRADA.  Per Gawker:
The book is already out in Britain, and, according to British Vogue, it contains bits like this:
This little piggy went to Prada, This little piggy went to Cannes, This little piggy dined at Nobu, And this little piggy, Hakkasan. And this little piggy went ‘Wee wee wee wee!’ All the way home because she had a fat bottom!”
Which presents a ethical question: Do we think book burnings are ever morally acceptable?
So congratulations, Jen!! A skewering for you is a skewering for us all. You're on the move!! Soon you'll be divorcing Nick Lachey!! Because a mention in Gawker is like a night with Mike Tyson. It feels ugly when you're in it, but oh what a tale you can tell all your friends!!
Gawker.com: Sometimes, Publishers Lunch Makes Us Cry British Vogue: Vogue Stories www.thislittlepiggywenttoprada.com |
posted by Lo @ 6:34 PM   |
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| Eat, Drink, Laugh, Dance, and Be Way Too Damn Merry |
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If you're anywhere in the Los Angeles area, do yourself a favor and traipse over the hill and check out this supercool spot in Sherman Oaks.
L'Kesh Cafe has jazz on Saturday nights, comedy on Thursdays, and ridiculously delicious food six days of the week (except Mondays, dammit!). Check out the website. Every time I do I start licking the screen.
Run on over there and snatch yourself up a meal if you get the munchies. Not that you'd have the munchies munchies. I'm just sayin'. Not that there's anything wrong with having the munchies munchies. Well, legally there is. In this country anyway. But I hear Amsterdam is cool. But there's no L'Kesh Cafe in Amsterdam, so you should just get your butt over to Sherman Oaks. And check out some comedy while you're there, because from what I also hear, people with the munchies always like to laugh.
L'Kesh Cafe: The Southern Supper Club |
posted by Lo @ 3:39 PM   |
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| Ice Cube Still Terrorizing White People... |
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...by making them be black for six weeks. In a brilliant stroke of "I'ma infiltrate The Man's system, play nice for a few years, then flip it on his ass" genius, former gangster rapper turned family-friendly mini-movie mogul Ice Cube, aka O'Shea Jackson, recently paired with filmmaker R.J. Cutler ("The War Room", "30 Days") to put the smackdown on a hapless white family from Santa Monica, the Wurgels, by turning them black for six weeks. (I know, it sounds like a magic trick, doesn't it? "At the count of three, you'll feel your lips begin to swell...")
Alright, alright, so Cube didn't exactly force the Wurgels to go blackface, but would you say no if he asked you to switch skins?
The reality series, conspicuously entitled "Black.White.", was picked up by cable channel FX and will purportedly show just what a "divided nation" we are. (Uh...Katrina, anybody?)
Per the article at UPI.com, Cube and his partner Cutler are simply beside themselves over the project:"I'm really excited to be a part of a show that explores race in America," Ice Cube said. "'Black. White.' will force people to challenge themselves and really examine where we stand in terms of race in this country."
The Sparks family of Atlanta and the Wurgel family of Santa Monica, Calif., shared a home in Los Angeles for six weeks of filming during the summer.
"This series is an example of how television can be an extremely powerful and useful medium," Cutler said. "I believe the Sparks and Wurgels took a big chance but are better people for having done so." Cube and Cutler brought in an Oscar-nominated makeup artist to administer the color changes, which reportedly took up to five hours per family member. The Sparks allowed themselves to be double-dipped in makeup that transformed them into whites. The Wurgels were dunked in chocolate. Then both families were mashed up together in a house in the Valley (quelle horror!), and before anyone could even get settled, racial disparity reared its ugly visage. The newly-black Wurgels, armed with sudden street cred, immediately began looting the shared house and busting random caps at everything moving. The freshly-white Sparks, in fear for their lives, made one quick phone call and were instantly approved for an open-ended bank loan for a new, bigger home, far, far away from the scary fake-black Wurgels. The Sparks spent the remaining five weeks basking in the luxury of their big new crib, where they ate caviar on the hour, swam in a pool filled with pure Evian, and were given the secrets to the dominant race universe.
No, no, people. That's not what happened. Well, the part about the Oscar-nominated makeup artist helping the Sparks and Wurgels make the color transformation is true. But the rest of it? Well...I just made that part up. I'm a FICTION WRITER, remember?
 Besides, something that outrageous would never happen in America. Black people in disguise getting instant open-ended bank loans?
Only on tv, people. Only on tv.
UPI: Families flip race for FX documentary
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posted by Lo @ 2:19 PM   |
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| Love Me, Love My Dog(s) |
| Thursday, December 08, 2005 |
 Yeah, I got four dogs. And? So? What's your point?
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posted by Lo @ 10:49 AM   |
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| When Nerdy Girls Attack |
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There's a guy out there who's about to turn a whole lot of previously sophisticated, way-cool women into a bunch of comic-book convention-going, lining-up-on-Wednesdays (for new releases), nerdalicious fiends. You just might be one of them. And if so, you can blame it on him:
 Alright, alright, in the interest of full disclosure, let me come clean here. It's no secret that New York Times bestsellling author Eric Jerome Dickey is one of my favorite people in the world. He's a longtime friend who is extraordinarily talented and is, without peer, the most hard-working writer I know. He's ALWAYS writing. ALWAYS. When it was announced that Marvel Comics had enlisted him to do a limited edition six-issue series about the character Storm from the X-Men, I was gushingly proud of him and for him. This was truly something monumental, especially if you include the fact that Eric's a hardcore comic book fan. Since the announcement, the internet has been ablaze with chatter from both women and men who can't wait to get their hands on the damn things. Can you blame them? Get a load of the artwork:
When I first saw it, I thought, "This is awesome! Incredible! Eric's making history with this series." Then, today, for the very first time, I began to consider some very interesting potential repercussions.
First off, this is pretty much a home run all around---for Eric, for Marvel, and male and female fans. It's no secret that the world of comic books with superheroes as characters is typically male-dominated. Not to say there aren't legions of women out there who are hardcore comic book fans, but the men far outnumber them. (That comment is based upon no hard evidence whatsoever. Expect to see a lot of that from me. My blog, my made-up facts.) It's also no secret that Eric has an incredibly vast and loyal female fan base. Tons of men love his work too, but the women outnumber the men by a thousand to every twenty. (Again, I can't confirm that data. Don't plan to either.) These women will follow Eric anywhere, even if it means stepping into a world where the characters are made of rocks and catch on fire. On top of that, Eric's limited edition series will focus on the epic, previously untold love affair between the world's two most popular African-American superheroes---Ororo (Storm) and T'Challa (the Black Panther). So the women will get a love story to the nth power. They get SUPERHERO SEX (!!!), or at least get to imagine the possibilities of it, even if there isn't any. And the men will glom onto the series because they enjoy Eric's work as an author, they know the series will be an instant collectible, and as a bonus, there's the thought of Storm...
 ...getting nailed by someone with equally superhuman powers, which all men think they have anyway. Happy female readers. Happy males. In equal numbers. It's a publisher's wet dream.
I read quite a few comics when I was young, but that was because I had a brother who was both a huge comic book fan and a collector of them. I enjoyed reading his issues of Sub-Mariner and Silver Surfer, but he didn't let me near them much for fear that I wouldn't handle them with the care and reverence they required. They were just freaking comic books. Damn. Or were they? Years later, my brother's copy of Silver Surfer #1, Vol. 1, is worth enough to almost get me a decent pair of Blahniks. Damn. Who knew?
I eventually grew up and out of the comic book world, leaving behind Silver Surfer (dammit!!), Superman, Archie, Betty, Veronica, and a whole slew of what I considered cartoon characters in print. But once a man is indoctrinated into the comic book world, it seems to be something he holds onto forever. It's a way of life, not a rite of passage.
Well, I guess the women will be joining all those diehard men in comic-book land, now that Eric's Storm series is about to be unleashed. I just hope the ladies don't go all 'pocket protector' on me. And if they do, then I hope they at least remember to mix it up with a nice bag and the right pair of heels. 'Cause if I see even one of my friends in a pair of earth shoes, dammit...I'm coming after Eric myself. Friendship be damned!!
Marvel.com: Marvel Taps Award-Winning Author and New York Times Bestseller Eric Jerome Dickey To Pen Six-Issue Limited Series of Storm |
posted by Lo @ 10:05 AM   |
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| I Said, "IT'S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!!!!" |
| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 |
Oh. Sorry. Actually, no, dammit, I'm not sorry. Just thought I'd indulge in a little shameless self-promotion for a minute. It is my blog, after all. Besides, isn't this what you came here for?
HarperCollins.com: Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. Amazon.com: Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame.: A Novel Previously: The Lo Zone: Yeah, You Know What This Is... |
posted by Lo @ 5:37 PM   |
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| Famous People Are Bored And Stupid, Even When They're Having Sex |
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The New York Daily News' Rush & Molloy reported in their column today that super creeptastic rock musician Marilyn Manson got married this past weekend to his girlfriend Dita Von Teese, who bills herself as a "burlesque artist" (cough, STRIPPER!, cough).
But Dita should actually be billing herself as "retarded," which she probably soon will be---literally---if she keeps up this little game of hers and suddenly finds herself suffering from brain damage when her penchant for asphyxiation during sex (that's right, folks, choking) goes too far...
"I'm into bondage," Von Teese said shortly before heading to her nuptials last weekend in Ireland. "I think it's really fun, and I love playing the part of the damsel in distress. … The feeling is amazing when someone [spanks me] right."
She also admitted "dabbling" in the sort of erotic asphyxiation that cost INXS singer Michael Hutchence his life in 1997.
"I think it's exciting when you do it with someone you trust," the new Mrs. Manson told Steppin' Out magazine's Chaunce Hayden. "I know there are different gadgets people can buy to do it to themselves safely, so that when they pass out they can breathe again. You just have to do it safely." 'When they pass out'? 'Safe choking'? That's like 'safe shooting' or 'safe stabbing.' There's certain things you just can't do halfway. Or safely.
And while I can certainly understand Von Teese opening her eyes during sex and, upon seeing this on top of her...
...freaking the hell out and choking him in an effort to get away, I just don't get the asphyxiation-as-a-turn-on thing.
Where I come from, nobody chokes anyone "for fun." If you choke somebody, you'd better damn well kill 'em, because if you just jack 'em up by the neck real good---just for shits and giggles---and walk away, well, somebody's gonna get stabbed or shot before it's all over. And you can best believe it won't be "safe."
New York Daily News - Daily Dish & Gossip - Rush & Molloy: A spanking new marriage for rock's Marilyn Manson |
posted by Lo @ 3:50 PM   |
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| Mariah Dairy |
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I said I would post on random subjects on occasion, I just didn't expect that it would happen on my second post. But I just couldn't take it, people. I just couldn't keep quiet about this.
My new book, Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame., is about the great lengths and extremes people will go to in order to achieve fame and celebrity. Even love. Some go all the way to the edge, willing to kill or die to get what they want. It's not always easy to understand the psychology of a person with this kind of desperate need for attention. It's an all-consuming fire that destroys those afflicted with it from the inside out. Sure, we all like to feel important, that's human nature, but last night I saw a case of "look at me" in action that was one for the books.
I was watching the Billboard Music Awards, and Mariah Carey won the first of what would become another trough of trophies for her juggernaut of a comeback cd, The Emancipation of Mimi. She deserves them. The album is blazin'. But then Mariah made her way up to the stage, and suddenly I found myself staring at this:
Yeah, yeah, the dress was a bit tiny and tight, but that's so Mariah. I'm used to that now. What I still haven't gotten used to, though, are those CANNONS on her chest that seem to get exponentially bigger with every public appearance. My brain was clobbered with questions, too many to deal with at once. When did she become the bastard hybrid of Dolly Parton and Pam Anderson? Was it subtle or abrupt? Have I not been paying attention? What would prompt such mammary mania?
I was so bothered by it that I found myself questioning my own sense of recall. Mimi didn't always look like this, did she? I seemed to remember that first video of hers, Vision of Love, that was played ad nauseum, and she was a stick of a thing, a popsicle with colossal lungs and scads of curly hair. I had to make sure of it. Yes!!! I was right!!! See?
She was once not-so-busty, practically flat-chested, even. So what happened? Was it all those new girls coming on the scene, threatening to steal some of her "look at me" thunder? The Beyonces and Alicias and Ashantis and Christinas and Britneys? Is that what did it? Is that what caused her to resort to this?
I know it's hard out there for a pimptress, a girl's gotta protect her turf and all, but Mariah seems to have forgotten what we fell in love with her for in the first place: her voice. She's a pretty girl, but that's beside the point. What matters is that when she's on her mark, her voice can make your heart soar. It can make you run the full range of the emotional landscape, which is no small feat. That's why she's broken so many records, had staying power, and the ability to recover from dark times and emerge stronger, better, more talented than before. She's the Six-Million-Dollar Songstress, no dual front airbags necessary. She needs to remember that and be sympathetic to us at the same time. Because when I watch a Mariah Carey performance, it's for the music. I'm not trying to be distracted by her CANNONS all up in my tv screen.
And speaking of CANNONS and distraction, check out poor Nick Cannon, who co-presented along with Chris Brown.
These two had the great fortune/misfortune of handing Mariah her first award of the night. Look at them. It couldn't have been that long ago that they were weaned off the tit for real. Then to be faced with this, on national television, no less. At an age where their hormones are raging. The poor guys could barely contain themselves. Chris Brown has already staked out the nipple he wants. And what's Nick trying to do with his right hand?
Billboard Music Awards @ Billboard.com |
posted by Lo @ 10:47 AM   |
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| Yeah, You Know What This Is... |
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...it's a celebration, BITCHES!!!!!
Why? Because my brand new baby, Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame., is finally about to drop in the next few weeks. Ain't it purty?
It's been a year-and-a-half since my last book, Tastes Like Chicken, which was part of a continuing series featuring popular best friends, Misty Fine and Reesy Snowden. And while I do enjoy writing the Misty/Reesy books, the stories I most immerse myself in tend to be more complicated on many levels, particularly in the areas of life and death and the human struggle. I'm drawn to examinations of the darker side of existence, where some characters wrestle with their morality, while others don't even think twice about causing harm in the pursuit of satisfaction and self-elevation. That, to me, is the stuff of compelling storytelling, the stuff that makes you think. It's the stuff of real life. I never sacrifice the entertainment factor, though. It's important to me to keep the reader engaged all the way. Thus my new novel is a twisted animal unto itself, far far removed from the worlds of Misty and Reesy, much like my fourth book, Child of God---the film rights of which, by the way, were recently optioned by this guy:
So I'm happy, BITCHES---and I use that term as an endearment, with the utmost love and respect. It's the holidays, it's a party, and my new book is my Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Chrismukkah, and New Year's present to you. I bled into it, wrote myself sick and silly. The wonderful team of people at my publishing house, Amistad/HarperCollins, have made bringing this book to life an absolute dream. They've been creatively and enthusiastically behind me every step of the way, making me feel as though I'd written something truly wonderful, and I believed them, which is why I can't wait to share it with you. The book also recently got a really cool mention in a full page article on glam lit in the Wall Street Journal. Good times, y'all, good times.
For the rest of the month (and beyond), I'll be blogging about the book, along with random other things that cross my mind in the moment. I'll share sneak peeks and sound bites (yes, sound bites! this book comes with its own soundtrack of music inspired by the characters, with real artists doing real songs on a real cd produced by super-duper hitmaker Al "Butter" McLean). There'll be audio of sample chapters read by popular actors. I'll give you the heads-up on tour dates and scheduled appearances. Because I want EACH OF YOU to party with me. Stop by this blog as often as you like. I'll be updating it very regularly. Feel free to post comments. Tell your friends. Spread the word. It's a celebration, BITCHES!!!!! Grab a drink, grab a glass...
HarperCollins: Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame. Amazon.com: Sex.Lies.Murder.Fame.: A Novel hiphophotspot.com: News & Updates: Al "Butter" McLean |
posted by Lo @ 10:21 AM   |
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| About Me |
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Name: Lolita Files
Home: Wonderland, Midwest Central, United States
About Me: I'm the author of six novels. My novella, "Three For The Road," included in the three-novella anthology, You Only Get Better, was published in March 2007.
See my complete profile
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