| Lo Fun Fact #1 |
| "Lolita Files" is my real name. It is not a pen name, as incredible as that may seem. There are plenty of Files family members and people who have known me for years capable of validating this. As for the "Lolita" part, my mother named me after the movie based on Nabokov's book, although she saw or read neither. To this day, she has no idea what a "Lolita" is. |
| Lo Fun Fact #2 |
| I love fried chicken and fabulous shoes. If you ever want to get on my good side, send Popeye's or Mr. Chicken (my favorite spot in Cleveland) and a pair of
Christian Louboutins. |
| Lo Fun Fact #3 |
| Never show up unannounced or without a Pepsi (preferably Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream). Better yet, how about not show up at all? |
| Lo Fun Fact #4 |
| I hate the telephone. Don't get mad if I don't call you. I don't call anyone. Don't call me asking why I don't call. Just don't call, okay? |
| Lo Fun Fact #5 |
| I love the internet!!! I love communicating through the internet!!! You can e-mail me and odds are I'll e-mail you right back (if I'm not in the middle of a major project). Makes up for my hangup about the phone, doesn't it? See, I'm not so bad after all!!! |
| Lo Fun Fact #6 |
| I can't stand IMing. Please don't IM me. You will get the cold shoulder. I don't like giving people the cold shoulder, so please don't put me in that position. |
| Lo Fun Fact #7 |
I have four five wonderful, slap-happy dogs and a bird (some kind of dove/pigeon mix), all of whom I love to pieces. If you meet me and ask me about my dogs and bird, we'll be instant friends. If you meet me and ask me why the f*ck I have four five dogs and a bird, see the above fun fact for how I will respond. |
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| Feliz Anos Nuevo, Bitches!!! |
| Friday, December 30, 2005 |
I'm out, folks. It's a half-day for me. Thanks for welcoming my new blog into the world. I'm so grateful for y'all giving me a place to rant. Hope to see you right back here again on Tuesday, January 3rd. Bring friends. A gang of 'em.
In the meantime, get out. Get your party on. Bring in '06 like you've got fire shooting out of your ass.
Or not.
Oh yeah...there's this KILLER BOOK coming out in a few days. You should check it out. (That means "buy it" where I come from.)
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posted by Lo @ 3:00 PM   |
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| Mexico Is The New Bungalow 8 |
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Expect to see stars standing on the backs of burros instead of banquettes, punching holes into the skins of the hapless creatures with their stiletto Manolos as they pop Cristal and pop-lock to the vinyl stylings of DJ AM or the like beneath the Cabo sky.
Per (who else?) Page Six:
THE hottest place to be for New Yorkers in the know right now just might be Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Arriving at Las Ventanas resort this week were Smokey Robinson, Jerry Della Femina, Kelly and Gilles Bensimon, Julie Chen and Les Moonves, Joe Roth, Berry Gordy and the Grubman family, including papa Allen, mom Deborah and daughter Lizzie. Nearby at the One & Only Palmilla was new James Bond Daniel Craig and his steady sweetie, a "hot American brunette," Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky and Joel Silver. Hotelier Jason Pomerantz and his honey, Ali Wise, bunked down at the Hotel Esperanza. And Jay-Z and Beyoncé Knowles were spotted boogeying at a Cabo bar called Squid Row the other night to songs by Destiny's Child. The highlight of the weekend is expected to be Jay-Z's impromptu return to the mike in a south-of-the-border take on one of his biggest hits. Stars will be encouraged to chime in as Hova raps about his 99 Problems. He's still got 'em, but a burrito ain't one. (I juss keeeeeeeeeding...)
Page Six: New Yorkers Cabo-Crazed For New Year |
| posted by Lo @ 9:24 AM |
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| Stars Anxious To Procreate And Spit Out New Generation of Degenerates |
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 Brace yourself. It's about to be F*ckfest 2K6. Celebrities are itching for a scratch, desperate to make babies, families, and short-lived love.
Per Page Six, a shitload of couples are doing the do-si-do: * Naomi Watts is desperate to get pregnant. The "King Kong" cutie, 37, and boyfriend Liev Schreiber are said to be hard at work trying to get Watts in a motherly way while on vacation in Australia.
* Believe it or not, Britney Spears wants another baby with shiftless hubby Kevin Federline. Spears is set on a daughter to go with her son, Sean Preston. According to InTouch Weekly, she thinks a second child will bring her and Federline "closer."
* Sheryl Crow is hoping to get impregnated by fiancé Lance Armstrong. The singer has checked out fertility treatment centers, sources tell PAGE SIX, as potential daddy Armstrong had testicular cancer and froze his sperm.
* The bump watch is also on for Angelina Jolie. Us Weekly printed a series of photos of the sexy star wearing loose-fitting clothing and looking as if she'd gained weight. Supposed daddy-to-be Brad Pitt is already in the midst of trying to become the official father to Jolie's adopted children, Maddox and Zahara.
* Another rumor in Hollywood is that Tori Spelling got engaged to her new man, Dean McDermott, so fast because she's with child. Spelling isn't even divorced from her hubby of one year, Charlie Shanian, yet. We don't know for sure because her rep, Cece York, didn't return our calls.
* Jennifer Aniston, Pitt's ex, is also said to yearn for children. The actress, who has claimed in interviews that she wants kids soon, is currently holed up at the Montage Hotel and Spa in Laguna Beach with boyfriend Vince Vaughn, our spies say. Premarital babymaking and ill-advised marriages. Stars...they're f*cked up just like us!
Page Six: Celeb Baby Boom On The Way |
| posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM |
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| Why Bloggers Are Going To Hell |
| Thursday, December 29, 2005 |
 While reading Defamer.com, run by the triple-forked tongued, no-shame-in-his-game gossip golden boy Mark Lisanti, I came across the following from his more than able-bodied associate editor Seth Abramovitch, who must be holding down the fort during the holidays. Words in bold are my emphasis:For those of you who care not to get crunk with Erik Paladino on the Paramount lot, nor does the thought sound appealing of watching Dick Clark pretend he didn’t have a stroke as Ryan Seacrest, his frosted-haired, dwarf replacement, stands at his side, eager to snatch the Rockin’ Eve baton from his now perma-clenched hands[...] ROFL!! ROFL!! ROFL!! ROFL!! OMG!! I'm drowning in a river of my own sick tears of hilarity!!
I'm going to hell just for laughing at that shit. Madness, it's madness, I tell ya. "Perma-clenched hands." What will you crazy kids think of next?
Defamer.com: A Read Along New Year's With Carson Daly
Los Angeles Magazine.com: The Big Mocker |
| posted by Lo @ 6:55 PM |
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| This One's For Willie D... |
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...holding it down up in Oaktown (and San Fran).
A blast from the not-so-distant-but-different-past. It's an oldie, but still a hella-funny goodie.
"I'm hotta than a ni**a that's wearing fo' sweaters."
Classic.
B.A.T. |
| posted by Lo @ 5:05 PM |
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| Pass The Chronic(les) |
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I know I'm probably the last person in cyberspace to talk about this, but that was by design. I've been purposely saving this for a slow news day like today. None of the bloggers have any juice left, it's a drought now for all of us, and everyone else shot their wads with this when it first happened. But not me!!! I'm a wad-saver. I don't bust nuts unless I have to.
So now I'm finally busting my Chronic(les) nut. Yup. I'm the one in the room with the big fat blunt when everyone else is reduced to trying to get a pull off a tiny-ass roach. Puff, puff, what, bitches? I don't think so.
 For those of you who didn't catch this wild slice of comedy magic on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago, it was THE FUNNIEST thing I saw on SNL all year. Heck, maybe even in a few years. Cast member Chris Parnell and newbie Andy Samberg busted out with a video called "Lazy Sunday" (it's official name) that, uh, 'chronicled'---Beastie Boys-style---their adventures in idle nothingness as they ate and talked shit while making their way to the movie theater to see the blockbuster religio-fantasy film, The Chronicles of Narnia.
 This thing was sheer genius, the kind you hope to capture at least once in a lifetime, and I haven't stopped talking about it or chanting the hook since I saw it the Saturday night it aired. I Tivo'd it, so sometimes, just for shits and giggles, I watch it to get my Chronic(les) hit, or I just pull it up on the 'net. I bugged one of my friends about the video so much, constantly asking her if she'd seen it yet, that she finally pulled it up on her own Tivo (which had automatically recorded the show...don't you love it?), and now she's singing the Chronic(les) too. The piece has launched Samberg and Parnell into the internet stratosphere of runaway fame, with over a million downloads of the video the week after it first aired. SNL has now officially added it to their website.
The best part of the catchy rap song? The hook:
We love that Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia!!!
Pass that Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia!!!
If you haven't seen it, go here...
...or here to get your hit.
Just remember to honor the time-worn chronic(les) tradition of spreading the goodness: puff, puff, pass, bitches...puff, puff, pass!!!
Saturday Night Live.com: Chronicles of Narnia
Slate.com: The Chronicles of Narnia Rap - It won't save Saturday Night Live, but it could save hip hop. |
| posted by Lo @ 11:50 AM |
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| Totally Predictable |
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Jamie Foxx's new cd came out swinging, racking up 128 BILLION sales in its first week of release, second only to the 58 TRILLION Mary J. Blige moved of her new cd.
Per Rolling Stone:R&B star Mary J. Blige hit a runaway career high during a strong final week of holiday shopping when her latest studio album, The Breakthrough, sold a massive 727,000 copies, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Blige's third Number One on the pop chart, her new effort moved nearly three times the number of copies in its first week in stores than any of her previous CDs -- including her last chart-topper, 2003's Love & Life. Also making big waves this week as one of only a handful of major year-end releases was Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx's musical debut, the R&B album Unpredictable, which features guest spots from hip-hop superstar Kanye West, Twista, the Game, Ludacris, Common and Snoop Dogg. The Ray star's first time out moved a seriously impressive 598,000 copies to take second place. Alright, so I exaggerated a little, but that's how we do it up in this piece...my piece, I might add. My rules. My distorted facts. Still, no matter how you do the math, Jamie rocked that shit, even though it wasn't a surprise. Not to me, anyway. The title cut, Unpredictable, is sexy as hell. So far my favorite joint, however, is Extravaganza. It's about Jamie and his boys doing what they do best: getting their mind-numbing party on, plowing through much liquor, weed, and stank-ass hoes along the way. It's fun and it's funny, and the flow is just sick.
Cop this joint if you don't have it yet. Legally. At the store. Or through iTunes, or whoever's selling it online.
You won't be disappointed. Jamie's got chops and the cd's jam-packed with delicious, "alright, just f*ck me already" grooves. And it doesn't hurt having Kanye along bringing great production value and added fun.
Rolling Stone: Blige, Foxx Conquer the Chart
Amazon.com: Unpredictable |
| posted by Lo @ 10:02 AM |
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| WWOD, Part 2: Oprah's Not A Bird Brainer |
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 After a full two days of the widely-reported story of Oprah's private plane being grounded after braining a bird and getting a cracked windshield as a result, word comes that there was no bird, dead or otherwise.
Per Forbes.com:Officials now say that it was wear and tear, and not a collision with a bird, that damaged the windshield of Oprah Winfrey's private jet and forced it to return to the city airport.
"There was no bird involved, but the pilot did tell my captain that he felt it was a fatigue thing with the glass," Battalion Chief John Ahlman, a Santa Barbara City Fire Department spokesman, said Tuesday of the previous afternoon's incident. You got that, people? Neither Oprah nor anything associated with her would ever harm a living creature, let alone do something as heinous as crack a critter's skull. The windshield was "fatigued." It just broke on its own.
Oprah is the goddess of all things good. No dead birds allowed. As a matter of fact, there wasn't even a plane, okay?
And Oprah wasn't there either.
Oprah who?
Forbes.com - Update 2: Officials Backtrack on Oprah Plane Mishap
Oprah's Jet Grounded After Striking Bird
Previously: The Lo Zone: Oprah Makes Santa Claus Look Like Sh*t |
| posted by Lo @ 9:27 AM |
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| Paris Brings Her Own Crabs To The Beach |
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 Yuck.
She's a walking herpetic petri dish.
Just as we suspected.
The Superficial.com |
| posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM |
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| Countdown To A Box Office Bomb (Or, "What You Won't Do...") |
| Wednesday, December 28, 2005 |
...you do for love. Yup.
Seriously, people...how long do you think it will take for this one to fail?
 Marc Anthony and his wife Jennifer Lopez have been shooting the film, El Cantante, based on the rocky, drug-and-booze-infused life of legendary Puerto Rican salsa singer Hector Lavoe, who was known as El Cantante de los Cantantes ("the singer's singer"). Marc Anthony stars as Hector. Jennifer, natch, plays Hector's wife Puchi. She's also a producer on the film.
Marc Anthony the singer is quite talented, extraordinary even. I've been listening to his music for the past ten years and love to get my salsa on whenever I hear it. My fake salsa. Made-up steps. I can't salsa for real, y'all. I mean, c'mon.
Jennifer on her own produces make-do musical fluff that's good enough, but nothing to write home about. (Although, I must admit, she has had a few standout songs that I've genuinely enjoyed, "Waiting For Tonight" being one of them.)
 Marc has been pacing himself with his film career, taking small roles and building decent, if sometimes forgettable, momentum.
Jennifer was on a nice roll with her box office efforts---Selena, Out of Sight, The Wedding Planner, Maid In Manhattan (we'll just pretend that The Cell and Enough didn't happen)---successfully securing herself as an A-list actress who was box office gold, for the most part. Then she did Gigli with then-lover Ben Affleck. And she's been a box office shitstain ever since. Shall We Dance? Meh. For a brief moment, with the success of Monster-in-Law, it seemed the curse had been revoked. Then An Unfinished Life arrived D.O.A. The curse was still in effect. You'd think the girl would get the message. It's not like the universe isn't trying to give her a warning. A fire even broke out on the set of her and Marc's movie earlier this month. Per Hollywood.com:The couple, who have been filming the Hector Lavoe biopic together since the beginning of the week, were briefly evacuated from the set yesterday after an electrical fire broke out underground—beneath Lopez's trailer. Beneath her trailer, y'all. Her trailer. The message couldn't be any louder or clearer: never collaborate with a lover. Ever. Never. Never-ever. Never-ever never-ever never-ever never-ever never. Ever. It's bad news all around.
It might seem great in theory, and there are instances where it can work out. Most of the time it doesn't. Most of the time it fails so miserably, you and your (now) ex-lover never speak again. Do your thing and let him do his. Be supportive of each other's efforts and leave it at that. Just because you're good in bed doesn't mean it will translate to other areas. If I've learned nothing else in life, it's to never collaborate with a lover. It's a sure-fire recipe for disaster, especially when the relationship starts to go south. More often than not, the reason it goes south is because of the failure of the damn collaboration that never should have happened. Finger-pointing can be an ugly thing.
But has Jennifer lear ned? No, no y no. She and Marc tried this let's do something together crap once before at the Grammys earlier this year and it was disastrous, an absolute farce. They were a laughingstock. And now they're doing it again for a longer stretch of time. Feature film length. Ay dios mio.
You know he's making her do it. Marc has been running the show ever since they got married. Jennifer no longer wears those half-open outfits she wore in the Diddy days. Marc's got her dressing like a Spanish matron. And he goes everywhere with her. Look at how he's holding her hand in that picture where they're singing at the Grammys. You just know he's chanting in her ear as she sleeps, "You love Marc...you'll never leave him...he's so sexy...he's the sexiest man alive...his bones are actually muscles...you married the sexiest, most muscular man alive...you hate wearing skimpy clothes...and your ass is way overrated, try to keep it covered."
Marc's no dummy. He's keeping his woman close, on lock and in check. Better she make bad movies with him than do a project with someone else and end up leaving him for the guy she's working with. She's does have a bit of a track record for that.
Go on, Marc Anthony, wit' your bad self. You've been studying at the Tom Cruise School of Hold-A-Bitch-Hostage, haven't you? Ol' girl crapped out when she rolled the dice on you. I'll bet you've got her learning this same trick. It's not just for blowing out candles anymore.
The Internet Movie Database: El Cantante |
| posted by Lo @ 2:45 PM |
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| My Book!!! My Book!!! My Book Is ON FIYAHHHHHH!!! |
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Burn, mickeyfickey, Burn!!!
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| posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM |
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| Make It Stop. Make It Stop Right Now. |
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| posted by Lo @ 10:49 AM |
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| Can't Buy Me Love(ly) |
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Daddy's money can buy a husband and another new husband before the old husband is even gone; it can buy a great body and lots of toys...but it just can't seem to fix that mug, can it?
Oh, come on. I'm just saying out loud what you know you were thinking.
US Weekly: Tori Spelling Tells Us: "I'm Engaged!" |
| posted by Lo @ 10:12 AM |
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| De-Pimp My Ride. Or Not. |
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 West Coast Customs will no longer be doing the bodywork for the cars featured on the popular MTV show, Pimp My Ride. (Aw, quit your cryin'!! Somebody else will just have to twist your brokedown hooptie.) Besides, West Coast's owner claims he doesn't want to be known for doing outrageous things to raggedy rides anymore. Huh? Now he decides this?
Per the New York Post: "We're looking at taking it to the next level, doing more of a grown-up show," West Coast Customs owner Ryan Friedlinghause told The Post. "If it wasn't for MTV we wouldn't be able to do this, but I'd rather we be known for what we really do — I really don't put coffee machines into cars."
West Coast is currently involved in several high-end auto projects that better represent what the company does, he says, including collaborating on 25 limited edition Ford Mustangs with legendary car builder Caroll Shelby.
Friedlinghause said he is in early talks for a new show featuring West Coast Customs in which his company would be shown tricking out yachts, helicopters, private jets and tour buses. 
Oh wait, so you do still trick out stuff, you just don't want to be known for tricking out tor' down shit. So it'll still be like Pimp My Ride, but no longer associated with the Pimp My Ride on MTV. Right? It'll be more like Pimp My Plane, or Pimp My Pontoon. Is that it? This is a class thing, isn't it? Ol' stank ass Friedlinghause has suddenly become a snob. Why not go all out then? Why not a Pimp My Planet? You and your crew can give the earth a good shellacking and mount some Sony Playstations along The Great Wall. You know. Since you're trying to go all next level and whatnot. I'm just sayin'.
On the real though, somebody needs to do a Pimp My Pimp. Get together a gaggle of grade-A street pimps, unleash them in a warehouse full of psychedelic furs, fuzzy hats, fishbowl shoes, and velvet everything else, and let the funktastic fun begin!! It'd be like Pimps Gone Wild...on each other. Can't you see it? Pimps tricking each other out? Now that's what I'm talking about!! Who needs stupid car makeovers when you can get some glam-slam pimp-on-pimp action? Yeah, I'd watch that. Bring it on!!!
'Pimp' Punked
Pimp My Ride
West Coast Customs |
| posted by Lo @ 9:33 AM |
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| Sean Lennon Wants YOU!!! |
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 The question is, would you want him? Yikes!!!
Get a load-a that mug. Maybe it was just a bad picture day. He's obviously his father's son, but somebody needs to hold him down and mow his face real quick. And maybe do something about those eyebrows. And brush his hair. No, cut it. And what's going on with that outfit? Thank goodness we can't see much of it.
Anyway, this furry beast is wookin' pah nub, and he's put out a call for help...to Page Six, no less:"Any girl who is interested must simply be born female and between the ages of 18 and 45," John Lennon's singer/songwriter son, 30, told us. "They must have an IQ above 130 and they must be honest. They must not have any clinical, psychological disorders . . . and a kind heart. Clearly beautiful - but beauty on the inside is more important - but no deformities, third legs, fifth nipples . . . I'm completely alone and I'm completely miserable. So please send your request to [PAGE SIX]." If this isn't a joke, I'm sure it soon will be. There's probably a reason Sean can't get a sane woman. Maybe it's because only the crazy ones can get past Mama Yoko. She put the 'block' in cockblock. Broke up a world class band, arguably the greatest band ever, with her knobsquashing skills. So just imagine her as a potential mother-in-law. You're sitting across the dinner table from her, trying to daintily cut your smoked tofu, and she looks at you and quietly says, "I destroyed the Beatles," then takes a sip of wine. That's code for GITDAFUGOUT...NOW. Which is probably why Sean is alone. Which is probably why Sean will remain alone. Except for crazy girls. He'll always be a magnet for the apeshit chicks.
New York Post: Page Six |
| posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM |
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| One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One Plus One = One |
| Tuesday, December 27, 2005 |
 The entire cast of Lost was named Entertainer of the Year by Entertainment Weekly last week. The whole cast. A thousand people. (I exaggerate at times.) It was a lot of folks, all rolled into one. Entertainer of the Year? WTF? Couldn't EW just splurge a little and throw an 's' on the end of 'Entertainer' just for their ego's sake?
Per EW.com:Viewership has risen in season 2 — 17.8 million, up from last season's 15.9 average — and Emmy voters crowned Lost TV's best drama, unprecedented kudos for a serialized show with a geeky pedigree. Even [executive producer] Lindelof is perplexed by the show's success: ''For many reasons, this thing should not work.'' But it does — ingeniously and poignantly — and for that, EW has chosen the cast of Lost as our Entertainer of the Year. So give the cast their 's' already. They earned it. Jeez.
Entertainment Weekly.com: 2005 Entertainers of the Year
Yahoo! News: 'Lost' cast named entertainer of the year |
| posted by Lo @ 3:09 PM |
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| The Only Kind of Whoopie I'm Makin' |
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 Yup. A pie, people. So sad.
I read about these whoopie pies in an article in The New York Times, and like the true orally-fixated glutton that I am, with no control over even the most basic food impulses, I immediately wanted some. This is the part of the article that got me: Gradually, she expanded the selection of flavors, going from traditional chocolate devil's food with vanilla cream filling to cake flavors like strawberry, pumpkin and oatmeal cookie, and fillings with peanut butter cream and raspberry.
"I didn't invent the whoopie pie, but I like to take something and make it better, then make it great," Ms. Bouchard said. So I commenced to Googling (surprisingly, the Times didn't list the website for the company), and I found Wicked Whoopies and ordered myself a grip of these bad boys right away.
I got some Whoop-de-Doo's too. I'm not even a big fan of chocolate, but I stared at this picture so long, I temporarily became one.
I expect to be makin' whoopie real soon. With a pie. So sad.
Wicked Whoopies
New York Times - One Bakery Owner's Dream: Taking Whoopies to the World |
| posted by Lo @ 1:52 PM |
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| Regis Will Outlast Cockroaches, Nuclear Winters, and You |
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While we weren't looking, back in September no less, Regis Philbin apparently renewed his contract for another four years of Live with Regis & Kelly. So that means one of two things will happen: we will either watch him drop dead on tv, or he'll be what's on our tv screen when we bite the dust. This man ain't going nowhere soon, except for the one day a week he gets off, which he had negotiated into his contract.
Per Webindia123.com:Philbin did not reveal financial details, but told the New York Post he inked the deal back in September when the other ran out.
In addition, Philbin, 74, said his new contract with Buena Vista gives him an out if he decides he has had enough of his syndicated talk show after two years.
That's basically the contract, he said. The big deal is for me to get a day off a week.
The news quashed any speculation Philbin would leave Live, which he has hosted since 1985. I have a sneaking feeling that he will never leave the show. Even when he bites it, he's probably got it in his contract to be stuffed and propped on his stool and the show will be called "Dead with Regis & Kelly." Can't be much different from what it is now.
Webindia123.com - Regis Philbin inks 'Live' contract |
| posted by Lo @ 12:25 PM |
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| Things That Make Authors Cry |
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The following was in last night's Publisher's Lunch Deluxe, an online newsletter whose sole purpose is to make authors see how much they suck compared to other authors, and to show how much those other authors are getting in deals so that the authors who suck can, in turn, torment their had-it-up-to-here agents who've been contemplating dropping them for the past six months because they do, in fact, suck:Diane Setterfield's debut THE THIRTEENTH TALE, about a reclusive novelist, to Jane Wood at Orion, in a major deal, reportedly for about $1.4 million, for two books, for publication beginning in September 2006, by Vivien Green at Sheil Land Associates. A US auction is coming soon. Across the country, legions of struggling authors who had rice cakes for dinner simultaneously cried and dreamed. Then they put the twistie back on the Quaker rice cake bag, lest the urge to eat a second rice cake hit them, thereby bankrupting their food supply for the rest of the month.
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| posted by Lo @ 12:05 PM |
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| Austria Takes One For Team Tookie |
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 In what has to be one of the most incredible "when we say we mean business, we mean business" stands on principles ever, the people of Graz, Austria---Arnold Schwarzenegger's hometown---have taken his name off the soccer stadium they renamed in his honor in 1997.
This thing is hilarious. Seriously. It's like a bad breakup. The kind that takes place on the street in the midst of a bunch of passing people. The kind where you  throw your cellphone at your ex and it bops him upside the head and he responds with some bitch-ass gesture like spitting on you and calling you the c-word. It's The War of the Roses, and neither Graz nor Arnie intends to go out like a punk.
It all started when Gubnah Ahnold refused to give recently-executed death row inmate Stanley "Tookie" Williams a stay of execution. Capital punishment, as it turns out, is illegal in Austria, and Graz's official slogan is "City of Human Rights." Hmmm. Maybe that's why Arnold left. Anyway, Arnold said 'no' to Tookie, and after that, it was on.
Per USATODAY.com:After Williams' Dec. 13 execution triggered a firestorm in Europe and reignited calls for Graz's stadium to be stripped of Schwarzenegger's name, the governor opted for a pre-emptive strike: A week ago, he dashed off a letter to local officials ordering his name to be removed and said he was returning an ornate ring of honor that Graz officials gave him in 1999. Once Arnold jumped bad, the Grazians, Grazielas, Gracias (f*ck, I don't know what to call them) jumped bad in return. And they were slick with it too... Late Sunday night or early Monday, authorities in the southern Austrian city unbolted the 20 letters spelling out the action star-turned-politician's name from Arnold Schwarzenegger Stadium. They timed the work to take advantage of the Christmas lull to avoid attracting attention "and keep the media from taking photos," a local city hall official who declined to be named told Austrian television. Bitch-ass cities and the bitch-ass dignitaries they honor (then dishonor). What I want to know is what are they going to do with all those giant letters they took off the stadium? Expect the world's largest Scrabble game---held in Graz, natch---to be announced some time this spring.
USATODAY.com - Schwarzenegger's name off of Austrian soccer stadium
Previously: The Lo Zone: Arnold Said "No"
New York Times: Gov. Schwarzenegger Denies Clemency for Crips Co-Founder |
| posted by Lo @ 10:28 AM |
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| Can't Get UnHitched |
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 The movie Hitch has been in heavy rotation on cable for the past two weeks on the Starz channel, and I think I've seen it every single time that it's come on. It has become a part of my daily ritual: get up, brush teeth, feed dogs, wash ass, find Hitch. It might not come on that morning, but I at least locate when it will come on that day so that I can make sure I'm in front of the tv to see it. And make no mistake. It has been coming on every. damn. day.
I try not to cheat. How could I cheat, you ask? Well, thanks to the wonders of the ever-expanding cable horizon, I have something called Starz On Demand (tv is the devil, y'all), which means I don't have to wait to see Hitch. I can conjure it up any time I want. I have Charter cable and Starz On Demand is on channel 988. All I have to do is turn to channel 988, select "Top Hits," and scroll through the alphabetized list until I find it, in this case, sandwiched between Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (the unrated version), and Hostage. All I'd have to do is push the blue select button on my remote---push it twice (once to select the movie, and one more time to actually view it)---and then it would be over.
 I would be in Hitch Hell.
Because just knowing I can see the movie with the push of no more than four or five buttons would trap me in a very sick pattern. I'd become that hamster on a wheel, the masturbating monkey, the creature that discovers the feel-good zone and spanks itself ad infinitum because it doesn't possess the inate ability to turn away from the pleasant sensation. For some reason, my shut-off valve doesn't work with this film. I'm an enormous fan of movies and tv...always have been. I have my favorites---When Harry Met Sally, Dr. Strangelove, Something's Gotta Give, Lolita (of course), The Godfathers 1 & 2, North by Northwest, Shadow of a Doubt, Rebecca (pretty much anything by Hitchcock, Kubrick, or Frank Capra)---but I've always been able to say 'enough' and turn away. At some point, I get sick of a movie if I watch it too much, even if it's a favorite. But for some inexplicable reason, I'm missing that 'I'm-sick-of-you-now' gene when it comes to Hitch, and it's scaring me. I'm afraid that if I keep watching it, I'm going to lose touch with reality, as well as my ability to naturally relate. I won't be able to leave my house for fear of being unable to function. These fictitious people---Hitch, Sara, Albert, and Allegra---have become my touchstones. How tragic is that?
I was in the grocery store the other day and a strange man said hi to me. My first thought? "What would Hitch do?"
I'm a big fan of Will Smith. I've got a tremendous amount of respect for him as an actor and a person, him and Jada both, actually. I don't know them personally. I just watch how people lead, and they lead by example very well and seem to have solid values, as evidenced by their humanitarian involvement and willingness to be role models. Plus Will is a fellow Libran with the same birthday as mine (September 25th), and that's a bonus. For the record, there are some pretty cool September 25thers out there (Barbara Walters, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Heather Locklear, even the great William Faulkner was one of us), so it's a nice club (that doesn't know it's a club) to belong to.
All that said, that still doesn't explain why I'm bugging the f*ck out over this freaking movie. From the moment it opens with an animated record playing the Sam Cooke song "Wonderful World (Don't Know Much)" and the record turns into the Overbrook logo (Will's production company), I'm swooning. It's like the first time, even though it's the hundredth time. Even though, at this point, I can practically say the lines with Alex 'Hitch' Hitchens (Will) as he describes to us, the audience, the mechanics of the feminine psyche.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Perhaps this is the first stage of what I hope won't become a bonafide cry for help and I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up in case I'm unable to do so when the time calls. I'd like to think that Hitch has touched something hopeful in me, re-awakened that magical place that the hard knocks of life can sometimes beat into submission (or a coma). It's not like I hadn't seen the film months before, prior to its current cable run. I didn't see it when it was released in the theater (I was under a writing crunch), but I did buy the DVD the day it came out. I watched it back then and loved it. But I hadn't pulled the DVD out since. This time around, however, Hitch has hit a nerve. What does it all mean? Who knows?
And while Alex Hitchens' lovely phrase Life is not the amount of breaths you take...it's the moments that take your breath away is a great maxim for me to keep in mind as I'm about to enter a new year, the truth of the matter is this:
Somebody just needs to turn my f*cking tv off.
Sony Pictures.com: Hitch |
| posted by Lo @ 10:07 AM |
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| Oprah Makes Santa Claus Look Like Sh*t |
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 What a great best friend Oprah Winfrey is!!!
Alright, so that's not news. For the past twenty years, we've witnessed what a loyal best friend she is to Gayle King, and Gayle to her. The two are poster girls for sisterhood and the true camaraderie that can exist between women. But apparently Ms. Winfrey has taken things a step further. She's not just looking out for her friend's well-being, she's also taking care of her heart, having reportedly hand-picked her friend a man:
Per Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher column in yesterday's New York Daily News: A source close to the best buds say that the queen of talk has hooked King up with none other than one of her other pals, gospel star BeBe Winans.
"Gayle and BeBe have known each other forever. But Oprah figured that since both are divorced and looking to date, why not date each other?" the source tells us.
After King spends time with her kids and ex-husband in Connecticut, she and Winans will meet up with Winfrey and her boyfriend, Stedman Graham, at the talk-show host's Santa Barbara estate, where they plan to ring in the New Year together.  Now I don't know if any of this is true because it came from a gossip column, and we know how they do. But if it is...great job, O!!! BeBe's a cutie and he's man of God. He's got his own thing and he's quite successful at it, so Gayle doesn't have to worry about him being all threatened. Ms. O., when you look out for a girl, you reallllly look out for a girl!!!
See...why couldn't Oprah have been my best friend? No offense to my current friends...I love y'all dearly...but, well, you haven't exactly been forthcoming with gifts like these. A couple of you have, but those gifts turned out to be utter duds. Superchumps. Insecure guys who were all up in my grill and inside my pocket, and their money was always funny. None of them were who they claimed they were. On top of that, they weren't exactly the most attractive sorts either. What were you thinking setting me up with these guys? What was I thinking for even going out with them? Boredom is a bitch. You do all kinds of dumb shit to fill your idle time.
In the future, if any of you are considering matching me up, just use this as your guideline: WWOD---What would Oprah do? We should probably be saying that anyway in regard to everything in our lives. The woman is as powerful and magnanimous as the Pope, and way more practical. The Pope's not a matchmaker. If it were up to him, our private parts would dry up and rot off. That's not very nice, Your Pope-i-ness. We're only human, after all. WWOD?
New York Daily News - Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher: Oprah pushes BeBe love for pal
The BeBe Winans Radio Show |
| posted by Lo @ 9:39 AM |
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| Eva Longoria Goes Temporarily Insane; Forgets That She and Her Boyfriend Aren't White |
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 She must have. Otherwise she wouldn't have allegedly blown a gasket when they got pulled over by a (bicycle!) cop in San Antonio early Saturday. She and her man, San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, would have known the drill "people of color" typically adhere to when sidelined by the fuzz:
1) shut the f*ck up;
2) have license and registration at the ready;
3) speak only when spoken to;
4) be prepared to offer one's mate for the officer's sexual amusement should said officer require sexual amusing;
5) shut the f*ck up
I mean, what, didn't Eva and Tony see the movie Crash? Per the New York Daily News, Mademoiselle Longoria and Monsieur Parker went absolutely batshit:The incident happened about 12:45 a.m. Saturday. After seeing a car stopped, a bicycle officer said it was impeding traffic. When the car didn't move, the officer rapped the hood with the palm of his hand, according to a police report.
Parker, who was behind the wheel, questioned why the officer touched the car, and the couple "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," police said. Longoria called the police report "highly inaccurate."
Police say Parker then began to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby. After being told to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said.
The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: "This is all the cops do, just mess with people," and that Longoria shouted from the car: "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."
Longoria denied making the comment. Of course she did. Who'd admit to something like that? She further defended herself:"It's a shame that one officer conducted himself in such an inappropriate and disorderly manner. I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as a Mexican myself," Longoria said through her publicist. Right. Because a Mexican would never hurl a Mexican aspersion at another Mexican. It just wouldn't happen. People of color don't break on their own like that. I myself have never used the N word, nor told an ex as I was breaking up with him to keep his black ass away from me.
Somebody needs to tell Eva that tv is not real. Everyone might live in murderously sexual harmony on Wisteria Lane...
 ...but once they leave the studio lot, shit gets real. Real racial. It sucks that it be's that way, but sometimes, that's just how it is. Not that the cop got racial on them or anything. Actually, it sounds like Eva was the one who took it there. She needs to get a clue. But then, this isn't the first time she's tripped during the holiday season. She went a little medieval on an unsuspecting parking lot attendant around Thanksgiving, a mere month ago.
Makes you wonder what she's got up her sleeve for New Year's. She just might bust a cap in your ass.
New York Daily New | | |
