| Lo Fun Fact #1 |
| "Lolita Files" is my real name. It is not a pen name, as incredible as that may seem. There are plenty of Files family members and people who have known me for years capable of validating this. As for the "Lolita" part, my mother named me after the movie based on Nabokov's book, although she saw or read neither. To this day, she has no idea what a "Lolita" is. |
| Lo Fun Fact #2 |
| I love fried chicken and fabulous shoes. If you ever want to get on my good side, send Popeye's or Mr. Chicken (my favorite spot in Cleveland) and a pair of
Christian Louboutins. |
| Lo Fun Fact #3 |
| Never show up unannounced or without a Pepsi (preferably Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream). Better yet, how about not show up at all? |
| Lo Fun Fact #4 |
| I hate the telephone. Don't get mad if I don't call you. I don't call anyone. Don't call me asking why I don't call. Just don't call, okay? |
| Lo Fun Fact #5 |
| I love the internet!!! I love communicating through the internet!!! You can e-mail me and odds are I'll e-mail you right back (if I'm not in the middle of a major project). Makes up for my hangup about the phone, doesn't it? See, I'm not so bad after all!!! |
| Lo Fun Fact #6 |
| I can't stand IMing. Please don't IM me. You will get the cold shoulder. I don't like giving people the cold shoulder, so please don't put me in that position. |
| Lo Fun Fact #7 |
I have four five six wonderful, slap-happy dogs, a bird (some kind of dove/pigeon mix), and a cat, all of whom I love to pieces. If you meet me and ask me about my dogs, bird, and cat, we'll be instant friends. If you meet me and ask me why the f*ck I have four five six dogs, a bird, and a cat, see the above fun fact for how I will respond. |
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| Best Of The Zone, Part 3. |
| Thursday, December 28, 2006 |
Because end-of-the-year recaps are fun (and I'm too exhausted to write an original blog post), here's yet another post from The Lo Zone's first year. This one, which I wrote while on book tour, was one of my favorites.
Planes, Trains, And Automobiles Assholes
I figured I'd start with our train ride to D.C. first, and then work my way backwards from that.
Silena and I left the Big Apple today, off on our next adventure. Don't worry, the posts for the New York event will follow this one. But first, I must tell you about this train ride.
We were so excited by what we just knew would be a lovely, picturesque trip to the nation's capital. I had my laptop out and was happily working. My video iPod was at the ready for when I planned to put away the laptop and relax even more.
 Silena was chilling, reading a celebrity magazine that was on the table at our seats.
 She was really enjoying herself, y'all. And she deserved to rest. She's been doing a bang-up job.
 Doesn't she look chill in this picture? Right after that, she put the magazine away, put on her glasses, and settled in for a nice, long nap.
Unfortunately, 'long' and 'nap' weren't on the horizon for either of us, as things quickly took a terrible, terrible turn. Our lovely little ride suddenly went from smooth sailing to a nightmarish exercise in self-absorbed cellular mania. Why?
Because of this guy...
*dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn...*
 THE ASSHOLE.
The Asshole boarded a few minutes into our ride and plopped down next to Silena, already in full-blown loud-talking blast on his celly. He immediately alienated everyone around him (not just us), but did he care?
 Nope.
 The Asshole just kept talking...
 ...and talking...
 ...and talking...
At one point, The Asshole turned to this guy...
 ...and asked if he was talking too loudly. The Asshole laughingly said his wife always tells him he talks too loudly. The Asshole, however, was sitting with US. And he never bothered to ask us how we felt about his bombastic bullshit.
The Asshole opened up his bag of food and popped the cap on his pop and began EATING AND DRINKING AND TALKING ON THE PHONE, a freaking sideshow right before all of our pissed-off eyes.
 Yapping...
 ...and yapping...
 ...and eating and yapping... Silena tried to sleep through it...  ...but c'mon. Please. How can you sleep through something like this? At one point, I thought he was finally finished.
 But no. He was just getting his second wind.
Because ASSHOLES don't know how to shut the fuck up. They just regroup themselves...
 ...and dial somebody else.  And when that call is finished, they dial somebody else.  And then, guess what? They dial somebody else.This bloated co-dependent bastard got on in Newark and yammered and gestured nonstop all the way to Baltimore.
Just how much of a self-sucking asshole was he? Well, I'm sitting right in front of Silena in the same seat section. There are four seats and a table. That's my laptop you see there on the table. That's my hand on the bottled water.
 Yeah, I'm right up on this bitch. I aimed my cameraphone RIGHT IN HIS FACE as I took these pics and the fucker didn't even notice. Okay?
In order to avoid going postal on this idiot, I jammed the earphones of my iPod into my head and began watching the copy of Lil' Pimp good friend and loyal Lo Zone reader Lance gave me when we got together for lunch yesterday. I'd ripped it onto my laptop and imported it into my iPod. (Thank you, Lance. You probably saved this mofo's life.) Shortly after, I saw Silena putting on the earphones to her iPod. Thank goodness for Steve Jobs. If it weren't for him and all of Apple's amazing innovations, there'd probably be a lot more beatdowns going on in the world than there are right now. Music and movies do, indeed, tame the savage breast.
The Asshole got so caught up in his phone calls, he had to take his jacket off to allow himself to really get into it. (Look at how Silena's looking at him, y'all.)
 Her face sums up my sentiments exactly. I just wish I could have kicked this jerk a swift one in the mouth, just for good measure. How one person could be so oblivious to the discomfort he was causing everyone around him is beyond me.
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posted by Lo @ 9:05 AM   |
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| 9 Comments: |
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I didn't even have to read this one and started laughing; I remember it well.
As my grandmother used to say: get you some rest.
Happy Anniversary/Birthday and Happy New Year!
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I can't believe NO ONE said anything to this guy. Where is the conductor when you need one.
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There should be a law against this type of behavior.
It's practically criminal.
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You know what would be really funny. If one of your visitors knows this guy and directs him to the post. Now that would be some good payback.
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I remember when you posted this the first time. I was at working crying laughing. My boss read it and she was mad for you! She is a quiet person but she said she would have had to cuss him out.
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I'm new to the zone so this was all new and I got a great laugh. How in the world can someone take your picture and you not notice a thing...you have to be a self-absorbed SOB...oops, he is that isn't he. He was very inconsiderate. #1 He should have been asking you all because you were in the same section if he was too loud...#2 Ain't that much talking in the world
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That guy should've shut the fuck up and be gracious he was sitting next to the goddess he was! Wow...who is this Silena again?
Another reason I hate cell phones.
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I didn't even have to read this one and started laughing; I remember it well.
As my grandmother used to say: get you some rest.
Happy Anniversary/Birthday and Happy New Year!