The Lo Zone

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1. A slaphappy environmentalist is driving on the 405 in his cute little Prius on his way to a Greenpeace meeting. He cuts off a rapper in a gas-guzzling H2. Said rapper is exhausted (and blazed) after an all-nighter in the studio and has no time for such fuckery. Chaos and bulletholes ensue...

2. A slaphappy PETA member is driving on the 134 in her cute little Prius on her way to work at NBC and cuts off a big-shot film director in a gas-guzzling Aston Martin. The director's date is wearing a mink. The slaphappy PETA member gives both the finger. The director's just been pulled off his current film for going way overbudget and has no time for such bird-flipping fuckery. Chaos and bulletholes ensue...

3. A grim-faced-but-environmentally-conscious Crip passes an equally grim-faced-but-environment- loving Blood on the 101. Both are in Priuses of the same color and, for a fleeting moment, realize they share a common bond. The bangers smile and nod at each other, then suddenly remember their respective roles, frown, and pull out matching weaponry. Chaos, bulletholes, and identical shot-up Priuses ensue...

4. An elderly woman is inside the bank where the car is parked and has no idea the cute little Prius her sitcom-starring son gave her has been randomly shot up by bored, rowdy rich kids during the ten minutes that have lapsed since she's been inside. Chaos and coronaries ensue...

5. The world's most aggressive team of repo men attempt to recover the car from the sitcom-starring son after his show is abruptly cancelled. Chaos and lies to his elderly mother about his new job (moonlighting in soft porn) ensue...

6. The car, purchased at a police auction, is spotted by its former owner (an egomaniacal studio exec arrested for soliciting sex from minors on the internet) moments after he's just been released from jail. Chaos and recidivism ensue...

Game: So I was like, "Yo, nigga, fuck that. I know my man Dan is cool. He wouldn'ta been caught up in no bullshit 'less he knew it went down for real."

Dan Rather: Why, thank you, The Game. Uh...is that...is that...is 'The Game' what you prefer being called, or should I drop the article and just, uh, call you 'Game'?

Game: What article? You wrote a article about me? What, it was sum'n bad, but now that you talkin' to me and you know I'm cool, you gon' drop it?

Dan Rather: No, no, no. I didn't write an article about you. I was talking about the article 'the.'



Game: (stares blankly)


Dan Rather: (nervous) You know, like, um, uh, like a preposition or a conjunction. 'The' is an article, and I wasn't sure if you preferred the use of it or not when being addressed.


Game: So you gon' mail it to me?



Dan Rather: (confused) Mail what to you?



Game: The article. You said you wasn't sure how I want the letter addressed.

Dan Rather: Nooooo, I didn't say anything about a letter. I meant the "The" in front of "Game." Should I keep the "The," or should I drop it altogether?

Game: (laughing) Nigga, you crazy!! You a funny muhfucka. All that time I been seein' you on tv since I was a kid, I'an know you had jokes. You alright, nigga!! (holds out fist to Dan for a pound)


Dan Rather: (blinking rapidly at both the N word and the extended fist)



Game: Yo, nigga...gi' it to me!! (extends fist closer to Dan)


Dan Rather: (stares at the fist. bumps it with his own, front-to-front, like a battering ram, instead of on top. nervously awaits response. Game smiles. Dan breaks into a wide grin.)


Game: That's what I'm sayin'!!


Dan Rather: What? What did you say? Did I miss something?



Game: (laughing) Nigga, you crazy!! You cool as hell. (leans in, whispering) Yo, you ever smoke dro'?



Dan Rather: (blinks rapidly)

As more blacks move up the economic ladder, one fixture — some would say necessity — of the upper-middle-class income bracket often eludes them. Like hailing a cab in Midtown Manhattan, searching for a nanny can be an exasperating, humiliating exercise for many blacks, the kind of ordeal that makes them wonder aloud what year it is.

“We’ve attained whatever level society says is successful, we’re included at work, but when we need the support for our children and we can afford it, why do we get treated this way?” asked Tanisha Jackson, an African-American mother of three in a Washington suburb, who searched on and off for five years before hiring a nanny. “It’s a slap in the face.”

Numerous black parents successfully employ nannies, and many sitters say they pay no regard to race. But interviews with dozens of nannies and agencies that employ them in Atlanta, Chicago, New York and Houston turned up many nannies — often of African-American or Caribbean descent themselves — who avoid working for families of those backgrounds. Their reasons included accusations of low pay and extra work, fears that employers would look down at them, and suspicion that any neighborhood inhabited by blacks had to be unsafe.

The result is that many black parents do not have the same child care options as their colleagues and neighbors. They must settle for illegal immigrants or non-English speakers instead of more experienced or credentialed nannies, rely on day care or scale back their professional aspirations to spend more time at home.

Drivers obeying directions given by a sultry satnav [satellite navigation] voice have crashed into rivers, construction sites and roadside toilets in Germany, and had similar accidents in Britain.

"It's hard to understand how these things can happen," said Maximilian Maurer, spokesman for the German motoring club ADAC.

"It's not as if people are driving in a tank with only a small slit to see out. You'd think they have their own eyes and brains engaged to make decisions and not rely on the satnav. I used to think satnavs were 'idiot-proof', but perhaps not."

In October a 53-year-old German, obeying his satnav's command "Turn right now!" jerked the wheel over and crashed into a roadside toilet hut 30 metres (yards) before the crossing he was meant to take, causing 2,000 euros ($2,600) damage.

A few weeks earlier, an 80-year-old motorist also followed his satnav instead of common sense and ignored a "closed for construction" sign on a Hamburg motorway. He hit a pile of sand at high speed but was not hurt.

"I just thought the navigation system knew a shortcut," Volker Heinemann was quoted as telling a local newspaper. His car had to be towed away.

[...]

An ambulance driver with a faulty satnav drove more than 600 km while transferring a patient from one hospital in Ilford east of London to another in Brentwood -- 13 km away. He was near Manchester, northern England, before realizing his error.

Experts say that as cars get smarter, some people seem to get dumber, and the problem increases as more vehicles are equipped with the devices.

[...]

Joachim Siedler, spokesman for market leader Blaupunkt, said it was absurd to blame the gadgets for human errors and noted motorists are clearly warned the devices are there to help, not to take decisions.

"If a traffic light is red it's obvious you have to stop even if the satnav says 'drive straight on'," he said. "People who drive into rivers and then blame their satnav are just too humiliated to accept blame themselves."

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told The Associated Press on Thursday that Iraq is "worth the investment" in American lives and dollars and said the U.S. can still win a conflict that has been more difficult than she expected.

In an interview at the State Department, the nation's highest-ranking black government official also said the United States is ready to elect a black president.

Rice was asked whether an additional $100 billion the Pentagon wants for the Iraq and Afghan wars might amount to throwing good money after bad in Iraq. President Bush and Congress have already provided more than $500 billion for the two conflicts and worldwide efforts against terrorism, including more than $350 billion for Iraq.

"I don't think it's a matter of money," Rice said. "Along the way there have been plenty of markers that show that this is a country that is worth the investment, because once it emerges as a country that is a stabilizing factor you will have a very different kind of Middle East."

...(allegedly) killed his 3-year old son...

An Alameda County jury today convicted an Oakland man of assault causing death and child abuse in connection with the 2003 death of his 3-year-old son, but have not yet reached a verdict on a charge of murder.

The panel convicted Chazarus Hill Sr., 27, of assaulting and abusing Chazarus "Cha Cha" Hill by repeatedly used a belt, his fists and switches whenever the boy wet the bed or misidentified numbers and letters on flash cards.

[...]

During closing arguments Monday, [Deputy District Attorney Darryl] Stallworth whipped the air with a switch and slapped his own palm with a belt as he described how Hill allegedly beat his son during the last month of his life.

Instead of putting the 40-pound toddler to bed at night, "the defendant put him in a casket," Stallworth told jurors, urging them to return a verdict of first-degree murder.

The boy died Sept. 20, 2003, of multiple injuries, including a blood clot in the brain.

[...]

The defense attorney questioned whether some of the injuries could have been inflicted by Kymberly Ford, Cha Cha's stepmother, when Ford was alone with the boy.

Ford, who also testified in the trial, was released from prison more than a month ago after serving part of a four-year sentence on a child-abuse charge for allowing the assaults to occur.

...yet fires another for doing basically the same thing.

Miss Nevada USA was stripped of her title Thursday after racy photos of her appeared on the Internet, pageant officials said.

Some of the photos show Katie Rees, 22, kissing other young women, exposing one of her breasts and pulling down her pants to show her thong underwear at a party in Tampa, Fla.

"Katie Rees has been relieved of her duties as Miss Nevada USA 2007," said Paula M. Shugart, president of the Miss Universe Organization, which owns the Miss USA pageant and others.

Rees' dismissal comes two days after Miss USA Tara Conner was allowed to keep her tiara when she admitted underage drinking at New York bars and agreed to go into rehab and undergo drug testing.

Lovely, no?

So wholesome and All-American.

Her parents must be bursting with pride.

"Katie wants the public to know she was 17 and had a lapse in judgment. This was an isolated incident that occurred more than five years ago when she was a minor."

A makeup artist nominated for an Oscar for her work in "Forrest Gump" shot her husband and killed herself in their home, authorities said Wednesday.

Hallie D'Amore, 64, and her 65-year-old photographer husband, Richard, were found dead Friday by co-workers who were concerned when she failed to show up for work, police Detective Mike DePasquale said.

There was no sign of a struggle or forced entry, and a gun was found, authorities said. The Los Angeles County coroner's office has ruled the deaths a murder-suicide.

[...]

"They'd been having marital problems," he said. "That's what the neighbors and family were telling us - and maybe monetary problems that created stress."

The couple recently celebrated their 22nd anniversary.

Scientists report of two cases where female Komodo dragons have produced offspring without male contact.

Tests revealed their eggs had developed without being fertilised by sperm - a process called parthenogenesis, the team wrote in the journal Nature.

One of the reptiles, Flora, a resident of Chester Zoo in the UK, is awaiting her clutch of eight eggs to hatch, with a due-date estimated around Christmas.

Being friends with your exes is generally not encouraged, but it can result in worthy elucidations of your character. Or your genitals.

“I need you to tell me what my vagina looks like,” I instant message my most significant and trusted ex-boyfriend.

His reply blinks on my screen a few seconds later: “Uhhh . . . like a beautiful flower?”

“Less gay,” I implore.

“A carburetor,” he deadpans, doubtlessly tittering over the slope of whichever bong is obscuring his computer screen.

And then he adds:

“If this is about, ‘Do I need a labiaplasty?’ . . . the answer is no.”

This exchange doesn’t say anything about my ex-boyfriend’s extra-sensory awareness of what I happen to be researching at any given time for any given story. No, it underscores the fact that suddenly—very suddenly—labiaplasty and other so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” surgeries have shown up on the list of Things People Actually Do.

First, the labiaplasty.

“Labiaplasty recontours mostly the labia minora, the smaller lips, to make the vagina more appealing in the way it looks and more comfortable in its function,” he explains. “It also encompasses the surgery for the labia majora, the larger lips. That surgery is done when the lady has excess skin, or baggy or loose skin of the labia majora, and it is unappealing to the lady.”

Next, the vaginoplasty.

“Vaginoplasty narrows the diameter of the vagina and reconstructs the floor of the vagina,” says Dr. Alinsod, “so that a wide-open vagina can become tighter and create more friction for a woman when she’s having sexual relations. Vaginoplasty is a modification of a standard gynecological surgery called a posterior repair, which is a surgery to fix a defect in the floor of the vagina from a bulge, usually from the rectum, which is like a hernia in the vagina.”

White people — old, young, middle aged, even teenagers — would cross the street when they saw me strolling in their direction. Even white men who seemed to be in their 20s would, more often than not, cross the street when I approached. Soon, even at a distance, I started to be able to sense when they, particularly the women, were preparing to cross the street as I drew near: First comes the sudden interest in where their wallets are. Then comes the pat down — is it in the purse; is it in the back pockets, or is it the jacket pocket? What a relief... it’s in the purse... perhaps the purse would be more snatch-proof if the strap were looped over the head and worn in the style of the old pony express mail carriers, from one shoulder and across the body.

I’ve seen these women do double takes when they look up to see that I’ve beaten them to the punch and crossed the street first.

One day after emerging from the subway at Vermont and Sunset, instead of hopping onto the shuttle bus I decided to walk up the hill to Los Feliz Boulevard. I eventually settled into a floating, meditative zone in which I was able to observe the world in what I felt was an honest way. I noticed a young woman who, at first glance, appeared very trendy with her crimson hair and black leather ensemble. She looked up from the bus bench, saw me and, in one smooth effort, quickly drew her two colorful, expensive-looking shopping bags closer to her as I passed by. As an afterthought, I did something I rarely do — I looked back at her and caught her glaring after me. That’s when it became clear: This 20-something woman actually knew that I would no sooner snatch her bags than I would apologize to her for the fact that I was wearing a suit and tie and not pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly belongings. But I got what she was doing.

It’s this: In today’s P.C. world, even the most intractable haters wouldn’t dream of calling me a nigger aloud (except, maybe, the indomitable Mr. Richards, who apparently does dream, and in color to boot). These days, the more sophisticated way to get the N word across loud and clear is to simply act it out. That’s what this woman’s intense stare was about while she gathered her bags close to her. It wasn’t fear at all. It was more like, “There, I still get to let you know what I think of you.” Now, another question presented itself. If the folks in this neighborhood weren’t frightened that I was going to rob them, molest them, say something weird or even make eye contact with them, then what was really taking place?

The answer was obvious, but shrouded by the hip accouterments of the supposedly liberal, urban sophisticate of the independent bookstores, book signings, cineastes’ queues, Mini Coopers, coffeehouses, biscottis, delicate tattoos, pierced bellies, yoga, Pilates and, of course, political correctness across the board. In spite of all this, when these folks cross the street to avoid me on the residential byways of Los Feliz, it registers as a silent scream of “Oh my God... nigger.” For some it may be almost instinctual, even mean. For most, crossing the street is probably nothing personal, just a wistful nod toward a collective memory when life was so much safer and simpler.

A transgendered woman who was told to use the men's room at Loehmann's has filed a complaint alleging discrimination by the discount retail chain.

Jane Galla, who describes herself as a regular Loehmann's shopper, says in a complaint filed Dec. 1 with the city Commission on Human Rights and announced yesterday that she was denied access to the Chelsea store's fitting rooms and rest rooms.

"I felt humiliated when I was publicly told to use the men's fitting room" in April, the woman said through a statement from the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. "I've been living as a woman for 3-1/2 years and can no longer use a men's fitting room."

A commission official noted the city's human rights law was amended in 2002 to cover individuals in a "gender identity class" but had no comment on the complaint.

A rapist who preys on young men has struck five times in the Houston area since mid-September, and police said Monday there may be even more victims, but they are too ashamed to come forward.

The rapist typically stalks, robs and sexually assaults his victims at gunpoint, apparently choosing them at random and attacking them near or inside their homes, police said. The most recent attack was Nov. 30.

"I wish we had a link between the victims, because we might have a better chance of catching him," said Lt. Richard Whitaker of the police department in Baytown, where two of the attacks took place. "We don't have any affirmative links at all."

He said some victims may be reluctant to come forward because of their ages and "a pride thing" that makes men more reluctant to acknowledge being the victim of a sex crime.

Investigators believe that rape is the motive, even though some victims were robbed. DNA testing is under way in an effort to identify the attacker.

In some cases, the attacker approached his victim outside their home. Other times, he broke into the home.

A small airplane apparently took a nose-dive into a tank of raw sewage near Gilroy on Monday afternoon.

Gilroy police Sgt. Kurt Svardal said authorities have no idea where the plane was from or where it was going. The aircraft came pretty much straight down into a holding tank filled with raw sewage at a sewage treatment facility. It was too dangerous for even a dive team to go into the water and check for bodies or the tail number of the plane, which would indicate who owned it and where it was from.

Cuban officials told a group of visiting US legislators that Fidel Castro does not have cancer or a terminal illness.

It was the most comprehensive denial yet of rampant rumors about the ailing leader's health, the head of the US delegation said yesterday.

Representative Jeff Flake, a Republican from Arizona, said Cuban officials did not provide further details on the 80-year-old leader's health, but they did say that he would eventually return to public life.

"All the officials have told us that his illness is not cancer, nor is it terminal, and he will be back," Flake said in a telephone interview.

Castro's medical condition has been a state secret since he had surgery for intestinal bleeding in late July and temporarily ceded power to his younger brother Raúl Castro. He has not been seen publicly since July 26.

A North Carolina woman was arrested after complaining to a police officer that the crack cocaine she had just purchased wasn't very good, authorities said.

Eloise D. Reaves, 50, approached the Putnam County sheriff's deputy at a convenience store Friday, telling him that another man had sold her "bad crack" that contained wax and cocaine.

She pulled an alleged crack rock out of her mouth and placed it on the deputy's car for inspection, the Palatka Daily News reported for Tuesday editions.

The deputy told Reaves that she would be arrested if the crack tested positive for cocaine.

She was charged with possession of cocaine and bonded out for $1,504.