The Lo Zone

My boyfriend, "Leighton," has been pressuring me to do things that I'm uncomfortable with. Shortly after we began dating, he told me that he likes to frequent strip clubs. Many of my male friends do as well. However, their attendance is limited to bachelor parties and post-breakup cheering-up sessions. It turns out that Leighton likes to go more often than that. Going to a strip club is one of his favorite activities, and he will even go alone if he can't find an available friend. This makes me uncomfortable, but I am willing to accept it. I'm not interested in making anyone change. People aren't made of clay to be sculpted in accordance with my preferences.

Unfortunately, Leighton doesn't feel the same. He wants me to go with him. I have told him that that is something that I would never do. I don't wish to see flesh-and-blood women turned into sexual objects. I don't wish to see a naked woman writhing on someone's lap a few feet away. I don't want to witness my boyfriend lusting after someone else. Ick! I live in Canada and apparently our strip clubs are very raunchy, more so than in the United States. Leighton keeps insisting that I go. He says that he wants to share his favorite activity with his significant other.

This next part is why I'm asking advice from a stranger. I can't bring myself to mention this to my friends -- it's too embarrassing. Here it goes, down to brass tacks:

He also keeps insisting that I have anal sex with him. I'm not ready to do that yet, maybe in a few years. Once when we were in bed together, he told me to close my eyes while he excused himself for a moment. When he returned, he put handcuffs on me (without asking) and told me that he could do anything that he wanted to. Even have anal sex with me. He didn't. I was furious and scared. I felt completely helpless, and not in an exciting or enjoyable way. After, he said that his restraint demonstrated that he could be trusted. He says that if I really trusted him, I would satisfy his desires. He compares me to his other girlfriends, who all apparently accompanied him to strip clubs and let him in the back door. He says that I am uptight and that I should get over my inhibitions. He says that if I loved him, I would do what he wanted. He says that there is something wrong with me.

I've only had one other sexual relationship. "Steve" and I started dating when I was 19 and we shared eight happy years together. Over the years I went from being a girl who might like to be a mother to a woman who definitely did. Steve went from a boy who wasn't sure if he wanted to be a father to a man who definitely did not. Now we are great friends. We had wonderful, exciting, inventive sex. We didn't experience the boredom that many couples complain of. I still wanted to rip off his clothes even after eight years.

Being with someone new is different. I'm not sure what's right. Am I obliged to do something I find distasteful just to satisfy my boyfriend? Do I sound uptight? Do other people routinely compare their new lovers to the old ones? Why am I expected to behave like them? How will doing something I find demeaning or undesirable prove my love? I don't think it's a fair thing to ask. I'm confused. Are Leighton's demands typical? They feel controlling and manipulative. Am I overreacting? I've never been asked to do anything sexually that I wasn't willing to try. I don't know how to respond.

Is some K-Y looming in her future?