The Lo Zone

William Shakespeare

Toni Morrison

Mary and her husband Gareth

On television are three or four people in chairs sitting on a low stage in front of a television audience. This is on television like an infomercial, but as the camera zooms in on each person for a close-up, a little caption appears across the person's chest. Each caption on each close-up is a first name followed by three or four words like a last name, the sort of literal who-they-really-are last names that Indians give to each other, but instead of Heather Runs With Bison...Trisha Hunts By Moonlight, these names are:

Cristy Drank Human Blood
Roger Lived With Dead Mother
Brenda Ate Her Baby

I change channels.
I change channels.
I change channels and here are another three people.

Gwen Works As A Hooker
Neville Was Raped In Prison
Brent Slept With His Father

People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future.

...and unearthed more social retardation. Something about this particular situation reminds me of the thoroughly-entertaining movie, Chasing Amy...

...where one of the main characters responds in similar fashion to the situation below ("fingercuffs" anyone?):

Dear Cary,

When I started dating my current boyfriend, it was as if everything fell into place. It finally felt like what I thought a relationship should feel like. I was incredibly happy, but also afraid that my boyfriend would find out something about my past that would change how he felt about me. He seemed uncomfortable with the number of people I had slept with, but it wasn't a huge issue.

One night, after talking about a friend of ours who met his girlfriend in a threesome, he asked me if I had ever been in one. It didn't occur to me to lie, particularly about something I consider so minor, so I answered honestly and told him yes.

After that, everything changed. [Lo: you think?] The night I told him I'd had a threesome, he cried and said he felt sick. He became so angry with me that he began to pick at me, and it seems like everything I do is wrong. Overnight, I went from being in a relationship that made me even more confident and happy with myself to being in a relationship that brings me down and constantly reminds me of my shortcomings.

It's been six months since he found out. I asked him to get therapy, and he saw two people. He said none of their suggestions helped (one suggested that he laugh it off and make it into a joke), and they seemed to run out of ideas. Now it's like he's given up. We hardly ever have sex anymore, because when we have sex, he thinks about my past. He says that he sees sex as sacred, and even though he's not religious, he has all of these rules on what is right and what is wrong. I'm not asking for his approval of my past actions, just understanding and forgiveness. I've tried explaining my past and why I did the things that I did, and I've tried to make him understand how much he means to me and how much I value sex with him, but nothing seems to make any difference. I'd made a couples therapy appointment for us, but he "has something to do then" and says he wouldn't feel comfortable talking about this stuff to a therapist in front of me.

I can't keep feeling so ashamed of a past I had come to terms with, but I also can't bring myself to give up on someone that I love so much. Before the threesome fiasco, we'd been talking about marriage and our future, and now I wonder how he could have meant any of that. If he loved me so much, how could his love and respect for me be so conditional? Is there anything he can do to get over this, or am I going to have to forget about how good things used to be and move on? It's Christmastime, and here I am trying to figure out where to live and who gets the cats and how on earth I can handle all of this hurt.

Regretting Telling

... where YOU DECIDE what you think is good, bad, or otherwise writing. This was the excerpt you were asked to critique:

"Every right decision brings us blessings. Every wrong decision brings us pain. And then, when times get hard, our struggle and our pain shows on our faces and our bodies. When people see our pain and weakness in our face, they say, 'She used to be fine, she used to be this, she used to be that.' When men feel our beauty has faded we become shocked at how well they ignore us and forget us. We'll do anything to get their attention, money, love. Can I suck your dick? Can I do anything, can I, can I?"

[click image to enlarge]

...The Coldest Winter Ever, by the inimitable...

...Sister Souljah.

...thanks to all the chemicals in it, sure as hell don't.

The University of Rochester found men whose mothers ate a lot of beef during pregnancy had lower sperm counts.

...

...although the US banned the use of some growth promoters in 1979, others, such as the sex hormones testosterone and progesterone, are still in use in the beef industry.

...

They found those whose mothers ate more than seven beef meals a week had an average sperm concentration of 43.1 million sperm per millilitre of seminal fluid.

In contrast, the sons of mothers who ate less beef had an average of 56.9 million sperm.

There you have it, people.

Red meat = puny-balled boys.

Chicken = men with monster nuts.

At least, that's how I interpreted it.

"The guy said, 'Hit the net like any Negro would.' I was shocked," Williams said. "I couldn't believe it. I had to do a double take. I think I hit a double fault on that point."

...

"I shouldn't have let it bother me, because growing up in Compton we had drive-bys," said Williams, who was raised in Los Angeles. "I guess that's what my dad prepared me for, but I'm not going to stand for it."

Now that's civil rights!!!

William Shakespeare

Toni Morrison

...and Mary Pittman-Jones...

Mary and her husband Gareth

...who was one of two extraordinarily committed teachers* I had in high school who elevated my literary spirit to realms beyond my imagination. In addition to inspiring me to push myself to a higher potential with her exceptional leadership skills, Mary became one of my dearest friends and made me believe I could walk on water when it came to my natural inclination for, and future with, the word. I haven't seen her in years, but we remain connected via the internet (she lives in Paris now, where she's inspiring others to greatness with her incredible gift. I plan to visit her soon, soon...)

"Every right decision brings us blessings. Every wrong decision brings us pain. And then, when times get hard, our struggle and our pain shows on our faces and our bodies. When people see our pain and weakness in our face, they say, 'She used to be fine, she used to be this, she used to be that.' When men feel our beauty has faded we become shocked at how well they ignore us and forget us. We'll do anything to get their attention, money, love. Can I suck your dick? Can I do anything, can I, can I?"

Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life.

Debbie Parkhurst, 45, of Calvert told the Cecil Whig she was eating an apple at her home Friday when a piece lodged in her throat. She attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself but it didn't work. After she began beating on her chest, she said Toby noticed and got involved.

"The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders," she recalled. "He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

That's when the apple dislodged and Toby started licking her face to keep her from passing out, she said.

Damn, that looks good. She likes those, but won't ever let me taste them. All I get is that damn dry stuff. I guess I'm lucky. She could be giving me some of that wet shit that's been killing all my friends. Listen to how it crackles when she bites it!!! Yum!!! And juice is dripping all down her bony neck...gimme some of that, you selfish bitch!!! It's not gonna kill me. I'm a dog!!! I drink out of the toilet!!!

Ooops, what's that?? Oh, so now she's taunting me. Okay, I get it. Your stupid little people food is so good, it's making you fall back and stagger. Woo-hoo, you're in control. I guess it makes you feel like a big person by teasing a helpless animal with your stupid people food.

Stop it...stop the thrashing!!! C'mon now, either quit it, or gimme a piece!!! I can't take it!!! Why is she taunting me with all the histrionics?!! (ed., dogs in my world are highly-advanced and use words like "histrionics") I want some of whatever the hell that is!!! Give it to me!!!

(Stands on his hind legs, pushing against her, trying to get a piece...)

Gimme!!! Gimme!!! Gimme!!!

(Knocks her down, then jumps on her chest, still begging...)

Gimme!!! Gimme!!! Gimme!!!

(A piece of apple flies out...)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

(Catches the piece of apple mid-flight and scarfs it, then proceeds to lick the juice off his master's face.)

Meh. It was alright. The crunchy stuff she gives me is better.

An environmental group said Tuesday it had captured a "monster" toad the size of a small dog.

With a body the size of a football and weighing nearly 2 pounds, the toad is among the largest specimens ever captured in Australia, according to Frogwatch coordinator Graeme Sawyer.

"It's huge, to put it mildly," he said. "The biggest toads are usually females but this one was a rampant male ...I would hate to meet his big sister."

...met up with this big fugly toad...

...and mated.

I guess you could call it...a Towlet.

Talk about a creepy creature!!!

Caitlin weighed 125 when she married Matt. Her gynecologist recommended that she gain 10 pounds if she wanted to get pregnant. It worked.

"Then I pigged out while I was pregnant and gained a whopping 45 pounds. I topped out at 180 pounds on my 5-foot 8-inch frame."

After the birth of her daughter, Caitlin got down to 155. She didn't have to diet, breast-feeding took off the weight: "During this time, I noticed that my husband was not interested in sex at all. In retrospect, I realized that he had become rather distant and detached after my first pregnancy failed and I weighed 145 pounds, 20 pounds over what I was when we were dating."

Caitlin asked Matt what the problem was: "I felt like I was being unfairly punished." At first, he didn't admit that his lack of interest was because of her appearance. He said he didn't know what was bothering him: "Maybe he didn't want to put undue pressure on me."

In fact, Matt didn't admit the problem until Caitlin told him she was tired of living without sex and was ready to file for divorce if he didn't get some help for his lack of libido.

That's when he told her that her body was a turnoff. If she wanted him to desire her again, she had to lose weight: "So, now the problem was in my hands."

Caitlin's doctor suggested a healthy diet and a support group. She took his advice and lost 10 pounds.

She weighed 145 pounds, but that didn't seem to make a difference to Matt. He still had no interest in her sexually.

She stopped dieting and going to meetings, and she stopped losing weight."I think that my husband's continued disinterest in me sexually really took the wind out of my sails when I was trying to resist treats. Those yummies presented themselves as a pragmatic solution to the lack of sensual and physical fulfillment that I was experiencing. How long could I diet without getting any sex to keep me motivated?"

It has now been 2 1/2 years since Caitlin and Matt have had sex. She recently has been on a strict diet, and it's been working. But she's struggling to lose the last 10 to 15 pounds.

She has given herself an ultimatum: "If I don't lose the weight and get down to 130 pounds -- 5 pounds more than I weighed when we got married -- by June 25, I'm filing for divorce. I love my husband deeply, but I refuse to live like this for the sake of my child. I don't want her to witness my sadness, which has become so deep that I often cannot mask it in her presence.

"June will be three years since we had sex and more since we had good sex. If I do not value my husband and my sex life enough to reach my goal, then I should just leave. I'm really struggling with motivation right now. I just want to be close to my husband again and know that he's attracted to what he sees. I could cry, I feel so lonely.

"And if my husband can't muster the desire to have sex with me at only 5 pounds over what I weighed when we met, then there is far more wrong with our marriage than a little fat. Deep down, I wonder if there are other problems in my marriage. I think if I were a man, I would want to sleep with my wife, even if she looked like I do right now."

Dear Cary,

I have a close friend I have known since high school whom I still keep in regular touch with. We don't talk or e-mail frequently, but whenever I am in her area I always stop by for a visit and usually have a wonderful time with her and her husband.

Recently, however, I've started to feel a bit uncomfortable around her husband. I've long been the unattached friend who spends a lot of quality time with her married friends, and I'm always told I'm such a great person, etc., by all of them. Her husband, however, has taken this further than the rest, saying how wonderful I am, kissing me on the cheek, putting his hand on my leg ... various casual gestures that have added up to my feeling more than slightly uncomfortable around him.

This situation came to a head when I last visited them around the holidays. When my friend went to bed, her husband proceeded to offer me a foot massage. He then grabbed my feet, took off my socks and performed the foot massage. I was too uncomfortable to say much and just ended the situation as soon as I could, but before I could go to bed he did something else. We were both sitting on the couch watching a movie on television, I on one side and he on the other, when he proceeded to grab me and pull me over so that I was laying next to him. I moved away from him and sat up, trying to distract him, but after I did this he proceeded to pull me back where I had been.

I quickly made my excuses about being tired and went to bed, hardly being able to sleep the entire night as I was worried he would come into my room and try something. As soon as I woke up the next morning I made my excuses that I needed to head back to my parents' house to my friend, and left without saying goodbye to her husband. On my drive back to my parents' house he called my phone and left a message, which I must admit I still haven't been able to listen to.

I am horrified about this situation. I have always felt so happy for my friend, that she found happiness, and was in a very stable and positive relationship. I have always loved my visits to see her and her husband. I don't think I've done anything to warrant this behavior on her husband's part, but I don't know how to approach the situation ... if I should say anything to my friend ... or if I should just let it go. I don't get the sense, based on what I know of their social tendencies (they don't have many -- they stay at home most of the time) that her husband is behaving this way with other women. However, I know that right now I would not feel comfortable going back there to see them. I don't want to lose the friendship that I have, but I don't know how to tell my friend what has happened.

No Clue What to Do